I FELL IN CHILDHOOD LOVE WITH A BOBBY ONCE. WE WERE AT A CHRISTIAN SUMMER CAMP AND HE SPENT PRAYER TIME SNEAKING OFF AND DIGGING FOR WORMS. I USED TO SHADOW HIM AND HIS MAROON SHIRT, TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM TO EAT THEM. THE LAST DAY OF CAMP HE SLUNG HIS ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD ARM OVER MY TEN-YEAR-OLD SHOULDER DURING OUR GROUP PICTURE - MAROON ON BLONDE.
I LIKE A BOBBY NOW. WE WENT TO BOOBIE TRAP AND DRANK WHISKEY AND BEER, COLORING PAGES OF NAKED LADIES WITH CRAYOLA CRAYONS. WE SMOKED CIGARETTES AND SHOT BUFFALOES WITH GREEN AND ORANGE RIFLES AND KISSED LIKE TEENAGERS. WE TOOK SELFIES IN THOSE PAINTED PLYWOOD THINGS YOU STICK YOUR HEAD THROUGH AND GOT TIPSY AND GAVE PIGGY-BACK RIDES. WE AGREED ON JUSTIN BIEBER AND NOTTING HILL AND HOW IT FEELS TO BE A TAURUS. WHEN IT CAME TIME TO LEAVE THE BAR WE BOTH AGREED - LETS GO HOME TOGETHER.
MY BUILDING IS IN BUSHWICK, BROOKLYN. THERE IS A BARBER SHOP DOWN THE STREET THAT IS OPEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S A DRUG FRONT. MEN HANG OUT OF THE OPEN WINDOWS SMOKING AND THERE ARE ALWAYS AT LEAST FOUR MEN STANDING AROUND OUTSIDE. THE STREETS ARE ALWAYS FULL OF PARKED CARS ON BOTH SIDES BUT MEN (I'M ASSUMING MEN BECAUSE WOMEN DON'T DO THIS SHIT) DOUBLE PARK THE CARS, OPEN THEIR VAN DOORS, AND BLAST - I MEAN BLAST - RAP MUSIC THAT MAKES MY EARS BLEED (THERE IS ACTUALLY SOMEONE DOING IT OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW, AT 1:22PM ON A SUNDAY). FROM MY BEDROOM ON THE THIRD FLOOR MY BED SHAKES AND THE WINDOW PANES RUMBLE. AT PRECISELY 7:30AM EVERY MORNING, THE YOUNG BOY UPSTAIRS SCREAMS FOR ATTENTION. IT REMINDS ME OF THAT YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THAT GROUNDHOG VOICEOVER YELLING "HELEN!" HE SCREAMS "MOM!!!!! MOMMY!!!!! MOM!!!! MOMMMMYYY!!!" FOR FIVE MINUTES IN TWENTY MINUTE INTERVALS. I'M PRETTY SURE THE STAIRCASES ARE GOING TO JUST TUMBLE DOWN. THE FRONT DOOR TO OUR BUILDING DOESN'T EVEN LOCK, ANY PERSON ON THE STREET CAN JUST WALK RIGHT INTO OUR BUILDING AND (HOPEFULLY!!!) TAKE THE THREE MATTRESSES LINING THE WALLS THAT MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO GRACEFULLY REACH THE THIRD FLOOR.
I MARCHED HIM UP THE ANIMAL HAIR (I HOPE?) COVERED STAIRS TO 3R AND OPENED THE BIG METAL DOOR.
"IT'S CUTE!!" HE SAYS, FOLLOWING ME TO MY BEDROOM. WE HAVE HARDWOOD FLOORS AND SIX WINDOWS, TWO BEDROOMS AND A BRIGHT CABINET- FILLED KITCHEN. THE BATHROOM IS TRIPPY WITH BLACK AND WHITE CERAMIC TILE LINING MOST SURFACES. WE MOVED IN TWO WEEKS AGO AND IT'S BEEN A DREAM - UNTIL THE CEILING IN THE BATHROOM STARTED TO LEAK. GEORGE, OUR SUPER, PROCEEDED TO RIP OUT THE BATHROOM CEILING AND LEAVE THE GAPING HOLE OVER THE TOILET AS WELL AS PARTICLE BOARD REMNANTS EVERYWHERE. I INVITED MY CUTE, FIRST-TIME GUEST TO PLEASE, AND SORRY, USE THE BATHROOM.
AFTER HE MET ME BACK IN MY ROOM, I SAID I NEEDED TO PEE. THIS IS THE MOMENT WHEN I WONDERED IF I SHOULD SHAVE MY VAGINA OR NOT. I KIND OF LIKED HAVING HAIR, IT WAS BLOND AND SOMETIMES CURLY AND I THINK IT'S PRETTY CUTE. I HAVE EXPERIENCED BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE - SOME MEN WANT PERFECTLY SHAVED HAIRLESS CATS, SOME MEN FIND THAT TERRIFYING AND PRE-PUBESCENT AND PREFER AT LEAST A LANDING STRIP. HERE'S A RULE OF THUMB: IF YOU'RE SEEING A GUY UNDER TWENTY EIGHT, SHAVE COMPLETELY. OVER 28? A LITTLE HAIR IS PREFERRED. OVER 35? DON'T STRESS IT, LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY.
BOBBY IS 28. I STOOD ON THE FENCE AND DECIDED I SHOULD JUST SHAVE IT WHILE HE WAITED IN MY BEDROOM (I HAVE THIS AMAZING AVEENO SHAVING CREAM THAT IS MORE LIKE LOTION AND MAKES THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE LIKE GOING TO A SPA I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT). I ALSO TOOK SOME TIME TO BE PISSED ABOUT THE CEILING HOLE AND SHEETROCK ON MY PREVIOUSLY SPOTLESS BATHROOM TILE.
I WENT BACK TO MY ROOM AND CHOSE TO IGNORE THE FACT THAT I DON'T YET OWN CURTAINS. ANYONE ACROSS THE STREET WOULD BE SEEING MY ENTIRE NAKED BODY TONIGHT, IT WAS FINE. WE MADE OUT. IT WAS GREAT. YOU KNOW - BACK WHEN YOU WERE A VIRGIN - WHEN YOU JUST USED TO MAKE OUT WITH GUYS FOR LIKE HOURS? NOTHING BUT KISSING FOR A REALLY LONG TIME AND YOU JUST GOT TO FEEL EVERY MOMENT IN ITS FULL SENSUALITY? THIS STOPS HAPPENING AFTER YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY, MEN KIND OF KISS YOU FOR A WHILE AND THEN MOVE ON TO AUSTRALIAN KISSING (DOWN UNDER... GET IT?) WE MADE OUT FOR WHAT FELT LIKE FORTY MINUTES. HE'S A GREAT KISSER, MAYBE EVEN ONE OF MY FAVORITE KISSERS. HE GOT ME NAKED AND I WAS READY FOR THIS TO BE AMAZING UNTIL ... HE COULDN'T GET HARD.
I WAS INSTANTLY MORTIFIED. I IMMEDIATELY WONDERED IF ALL MY PREVIOUS SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS HAD BEEN A LIE. WAS I TOO FAT? WAS MY NOT HAVING WORN MAKEUP TERRIFYING? DID HE EVEN FIND ME ATTRACTIVE? DID MY BREATH SMELL? WAS I A BAD KISSER? MY MIND RAN A MILE A MINUTE WHILE I WENT DOWN ON HIM. NOTHING. TWENTY MINUTES. NOTHING. FIVE MINUTES LATER. NOTHING. WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF ARGUING BECAUSE I HAD GIVEN UP WHEN I HEARD A KNOCK ON MY BEDROOM DOOR.
"SHELBY? IT'S ME. I'M LOCKED OUT OF MY ROOM."
MY ROOMMATE AND VERY CLOSE FRIEND FROM COLLEGE HAD GONE OUT DRINKING WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS. I KNOW WHEN SHE'S DRUNK BECAUSE HER VOICE CHANGES, SHE TALKS SLOWER, MAKES LESS EYE CONTACT, AND OVERALL IS THE PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION OF "HAZY".
I PUT ON CLOTHES AND LEFT BOBBY NAKED AND FLACCID ON MY BED. I WALKED ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM TO HER DOOR AND SURE ENOUGH, THE SUPER HAD LOCKED HER DOOR FROM THE INSIDE AND SHUT IT.
"OKAY, WE HAVE LIKE SIXTEEN KEYS HERE, LETS TRY THEM ALL." I SAID.
"SHELBY, I HAVE AN EVENT AT WORK TOMORROW!! I CAN'T BE LOCKED OUT OF MY ROOM!" SHE PANICKED.
"DON'T WORRY, WE WILL FIGURE IT OUT."
WE DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT. NONE OF THE KEYS - BRASS, SILVER, BLACK, LONG, CIRCULAR, HEAVY - WORKED ON HER BEDROOM DOOR. I PULLED OUT OUR DINING ROOM CHAIR, REACHING FOR THE TOP OF THE DOOR FRAME WHERE I KEPT MY BEDROOM KEY AS A CHILD. NOTHING. MY ROOMMATE STARTED TO PANIC WHILE I CALLED THE SUPER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. I WAS LIVID AND READY TO RIP HIS HEAD OFF BUT HE NEVER ANSWERED.
WE DECIDED TO TRY TO BREAK IN. WE CALLED FOR BOBBY. HE CAME OUT OF MY ROOM WEARING MY RALPH LAUREN PJ PANTS INSIDE OUT, POCKETS DANGLING BY HIS SIDES. I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING. HE TRIED TO GET IN WITH A CREDIT CARD. NOTHING. HE TRIED A BOBBY PIN. NOTHING. WE TRIED TO RIP THE DOORKNOB OUT. NOTHING. THEN, OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE, I SEE MY ROOMMATE WINDING UP. SHE QUICKLY KICKS HER GREY ZARA BOOT THROUGH THE DOOR AND CAUSES A FIST-SIZED HOLE. BOBBY RECOVERS FROM SHOCK AND THEN REACHED HIS HAND THROUGH THE DOOR - WHICH FOR SOME REASON REMINDED ME OF CHILD BIRTH AND MADE ME REALIZE I COULD NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS GUY TONIGHT - AND UNLOCKED THE DOOR FROM THE INSIDE.
NOW I HAD ZERO SEX DRIVE, A BROKEN CEILING, A HOLEY DOOR, AND A FLACCID CRUSH.
I LOVE FIRST DATES.