"What's your favorite book?" I ask over dinner.
"I don't read." He answers, indifferent.
"What do you mean?" I ask, stunned and hugely disappointed.
"I don't read. I don't have time." He shrugs his shoulders, like this response is acceptable.
"You don't read." I repeat.
"I don't have time." He replies, "Besides, I think my life is exciting enough. I don't feel the need to be 'transported into another universe.'" He states mockingly, bending his fat stupid fingers like quotation marks.
At this point my ears plug up and time moves in slow motion and all I can see is him drooling in his sleep and his clumsy attempts of jerking off above a porcelain toilet, his o face like Shrek running from the fire breathing dragon. Peasant.
"You don't feel the need to be transported." I've taken to repeating his stupid antics in hopes that this suffices for conversation.
"I have an exciting life."
He obviously wants me to ask about it. I don't. I am silent. I contemplate running out of the restaurant. My legs feel covered in fire ants. I think of Harry Potter and Hogwarts, Miranda July's magical worlds of disproportionate love, David Sedaris and his love of weed and human skeletons. I am lost in the mountains of suffering with Sarah Hall. I'm in desert, barefooted, reviewing blueprints for the glass castle with Jeanette Walls. I am suffocating. He doesn't read.
One of the most important things in life is leaving home. It wasn't until I was on my own in New York City that I was able to fall into myself - find peace with myself. Four years later, I can say with confidence, that I am my own best friend. It's impossible for any human to say that they know me better than I know myself. Get me high, and I'll confess that I find myself quite cool and endlessly entertaining. Who wouldn't want to be friends with me?
The most important part of knowing yourself is knowing what - and who - doesn't work for you - and being strong enough to accept that. At twenty two, I am very comfortable with the words 'yes' and 'no'. I can say both without feeling any need to explain. I'd rather be alone, possibly forever, than be in a vague, cloudy, upsetting relationship. I am able to accept casual sex, breakups, endings of friendships, beginnings of new friendships, and rejection with ease.
Girls I graduated high school with are getting married. I'm seeing solid rocks on skinny fingers, poofy white dresses and cliche kisses in front of barns. How can you possibly know that this guy is for you when you cannot possibly know yourself fully? Have you ever been single? Poor? Outside of Syracuse? Lost? Depressed? Abroad?
They (who are they??) say that opposites attract. Opposites doesn't mean the negation of your values, as attraction doesn't equal a healthy relationship. I'm attracted to Jeremy Meeks - this doesn't mean that we should date and have babies (though they would be angelic, I must admit).
It is almost a cruel joke from the universe, testing you to see if you are able to acknowledge what you want versus what you need.
Most girls make lists - mental or physical - of traits our dream men must have. Straight teeth, taller than me, dark hair... Blah blah. When it comes down to it, however, the most important traits are what you have in common. He loves to read. He loves animals. He respects women. He wouldn't mind adopting kids compared to birthing them. He wants to live abroad. He's thrilled by adventures. He likes roller coasters.
While relationships only work with healthy compromise, you are the person you have to live with for the rest of your life. It's totally okay and valid to not be with someone because of something small. It's much better than asking them to change themselves for your benefit. He doesn't read? Someone else loves the magical world of Harry Potter as much as you do. You can definitely dress up as Luna and Neville for Halloween. Obviously I'm not saying that every small detail are deal breakers - they might not be - but it's okay and valid if they are. You do not need to explain yourself for what works and doesn't work for you. He doesn't get along with his mother? It's okay if that doesn't work for you (after all, how he treats his mother is a direct reflection of how much he respects women). He's vegan? Bye. He's allergic to pizza? Totally valid to never speak to him again.
I cannot stress how endlessly important it is to know yourself before you commit to someone else - to love yourself before you love someone else. How can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself? Once you know yourself you will know who can properly love you because you are worth a strong passionate love. He may not be cool with how you squirt chocolate sauce directly out of the bottle at 10am when you're craving something sweet. That's fine! And also you're awesome. Drink the whole bottle, girlfriend. My dream man will be standing next to me, hand extended, waiting for his turn at the chocolate sauce.