WE ARE STONED OUT OF OUR MINDS. BACHELORS IN PARADISE IS PLAYING ON THE TV IN BROOKLYN AND WE ARE PASSING A SMALL ELEPHANT SHAPED BOWL WITH A BROKEN TRUNK BETWEEN THE THREE OF US.
H: "GUYS ALWAYS WANNA DO THAT WITH ME!! IT'S WEIRD!"
ME: "THEY JUST WANNA PUT THEIR DICKS BETWEEN SOME BIG BOOBS."
C: "CAN I JUST ASK LIKE, WHAT POSITION YOU ARE IN WHEN THIS IS HAPPENING?"
H: "WELL THEY, LIKE, GO UP TOWARDS YOUR FACE."
ME: "YEAH, THEY'RE GOING LIKE THIS-"
*PUSHES BOOBS TOGETHER AND MAKES FORWARD MOTION UPWARDS*
*LOUD LAUGHTER*
ME: "AND LITERALLY, THE HEADS COMING TOWARDS YOUR FACE AND ITS HORRIFYING."
H: "I LITERALLY CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT IT AND ITS LIKE SO SCARY AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS 'TURTLE TURTLE TURTLE'."
C: "WHENEVER ITS HAPPENED TO ME I'VE BEEN LAYING DOWN IN A BED."
H: "YEAH, THATS HOW IT ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME. THE WEIRDEST PART IS, LIKE, YOU CAN'T NOT LOOK DOWN AT IT AND I ALWAYS END UP GOING CROSSEYED."
ME: "YEAH CAUSE ITS LIKE COMING TO JAB YOU IN THE FACE! SOMETIMES I STICK MY TONGUE OUT."
C: "DOES IT REACH IT??"
ME: "ONLY IF HE HAS A BIG DICK."
H: *HYSTERICALLY LAUGHS* "IT WAS REALLY HARD, BUT I DIDN'T DO IT."
ME: "WAIT, SO LIKE, HE LITERALLY JUST SAID, 'PUT IT YOUR FINGER IN MY ASS?"
*LAUGHTER*
H: "IT WAS MORE CASUAL."
ME: "LIKE, 'YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR FINGER IN MY ASS?'"
C: "IT'S SO FUNNY CUZ I REMEMBER ___ FROM WAY BACK WHEN AND HE WAS WEARING, LIKE A BOW-TIE AND WARBY PARKERS AND IT'S LIKE..?"
H: "A BOW-TIE??"
C: "I THINK SO!!"
ME: "HE WAS SUPER PREPPY! HE IS SUPER PREPPY."
H: "I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM WEAR A BOW-TIE. BUT I DON'T KNOW."
ME: "HAVE YOU EVER PUT YOUR FINGER IN A GUYS BUTTHOLE?"
C: "UMM...... NO.."
H: "I JUST TOUCH THE THING BETWEEN THE BUTT AND THE BALLS-"
C: "YEAH YEAH, I'VE DONE THAT."
ME: "JUST LIKE, RUB THAT LITTLE SPOT-"
H: "WHILE I'M GIVING HEAD."
C: "THAT'S LIKE THE GOOD THIRD ACT."
ME: "HE LIKES IT WHEN I PULL ON HIS BALLS. LIKE TUG AT THEM. HE LOVES THAT SHIT."
H: "THEY USUALLY LIKE WHEN I'M REALLY AGGRESSIVE WITH MY HANDS DURING BLOW JOBS."
C: "BUT SOME GUYS ARE REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT TOUCHING THEIR BALLS! THEY'RE LIKE OH! OH..."
*MAKES A BACK-AWAY HAND MOTION*
ME: "IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT GETTING FONDLED ENOUGH. ONCE, HE WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN ON ME, AND HE LIKE OPENED MY VAGINA AND WAS LIKE, 'YOU HAVE SUCH A NICE PUSSY' AND I WAS LIKE, 'UH-OKAY!!'."
H: *LAUGHING* "WAIT, HE LIKE OPENED YOUR LIPS??"
ME: *LAUGHING BETWEEN WORDS, "YEAH! MY VAGINA LIPS!! LIKE.. THE ONES ON THE OUTSIDE.."
*H DISSOLVES INTO LAUGHTER*
H: "LIKE, OPENING THE CURTAINS."
C: "THE MEAT CURTAINS."
ME: *CHOKES ON WATER*
H: *HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING* "YES!!! THAT'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD."
ME: *SLAPS MY KNEE* "THAT'S DISGUSTING!!"
C: "THAT;S WHAT THEY'RE CALLED."