THE FOMO HAS HIT. IT HAS CRASHED INTO YOUR HEART LIKE A TODDLER KNOCKING OVER YOUR GAME OF JENGA.
YOU'RE AT THREE DIAMOND DOOR. YOUR HANDS ARE ANTSY, SO YOU ASK THE GIRL AT THE BARSTOOL NEXT TO YOU FOR A PEN. SHE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER TURNING AROUND TO LOOK YOU IN THE FACE. SHE KEEPS HER UGLY HUNCHED BACK TO YOU AND SPITS OUT, "NO."
YOU STUMBLE BACK SLIGHTLY IN SURPRISE. THEN ANGER BOILS UP FROM YOUR CHEST TO YOUR MOUTH AND YOU SHOUT AT HER, ASKING WHAT THE FUCK HER PROBLEM COULD POSSIBLY BE. YOU RECEIVE NO ANSWER. YOU POUT ON YOUR STOOL, CROSSING YOUR ARMS. WHAT A FUCKING BITCH.
THE STOOL YOU ARE SITTING ON IS WORN AND IT CREAKS WHEN YOU MOVE. YOU TRY TO KEEP STILL. TIME SEEMS TO HAVE SLOWED DOWN - AND YET IT'S SPED UP AT THE SAME TIME. YOU TILT YOUR HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE, INSPECTING THE OTHER SUNDAY DAY-DRINKERS. EVERYONE IS IN DEEP CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE ELSE. EVEN THE BITCH NEXT TO YOU. EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE. EVERYONE BUT YOU.
YOU THANK THE BARTENDER FOR THE DRINK AND WIPE YOUR WET HANDS ON YOUR JEANS. YOU REACH OVER THE CANDLE IN FRONT OF YOU AND WAVE YOUR HAND ABOVE IT, CRAVING THE SIMPLE JOY OF SOMETHING REACTING TO YOUR PRESENCE. IT BARELY FLICKERS.
YOU SIGN THE CHECK AND LEAVE A NICE TIP. YOU NOD AT THE BOUNCER ON YOUR WAY OUT. HE WISHES YOU A GOOD EVENING BEFORE THE HEAVY METAL DOOR SHUTS BEHIND YOU.
IT'S COLD OUTSIDE BUT YOU'RE NEAR JEFFERSON SO YOU STOP AT TONY'S FOR A PACK OF CIGARETTES. HE GIVES THEM TO YOU FOR EIGHT DOLLARS AND PASSES YOU A FREE LIGHTER. FOR YOU, PRETTY BABY. YOU LOOK UP FROM YOUR PURSE. DOESN'T HE RECOGNIZE YOU? YOU WERE HERE TWO WEEKS AGO AND HE GAVE YOU A PINK LIGHTER. WHY WOULD HE THINK YOU WANTED A GREEN ONE NOW? ISN'T HE LOSING MONEY JUST PASSING OUT LIGHTERS TO WOMEN HE CAN'T REMEMBER? THE BODEGA DOWN THE STREET SELLS CIGARETTES FOR THIRTEEN DOLLARS. HOW IS HE SURVIVING? YOU WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS, BUT HE'S ALREADY TURNED HIS BACK. YOU KEEP MOVING, AND THE CONVERSATION STAYS ON TOP OF THE FROZEN POND - ANOTHER SURFACE LEVEL INTERACTION.
THE NEXT MORNING, YOU STOP AT DUNKIN DONUTS BEFORE WORK. THE GIRL HANDS YOU YOUR REGULAR ORDER BEFORE YOU EVEN FINISH GETTING YOUR WALLET OUT - MEDIUM ICED COFFEE, MILK AND SUGAR. SHE'S SWEETENED IT JUST RIGHT AND YOU LOVE HER FOR IT. WHAT'S HER NAME? YOU LEAVE THE COFFEE SHOP AND FUMBLE DOWN THE STAIRS TO THE SUBWAY. YOU HEAD DOWN TO THE MANHATTAN BOUND SIDE. YOU STAND NEXT TO THE SAME GUY EVERY SINGLE DAY. HE REMINDS YOU OF A BULL. HIS SHOES ARE TOO HEAVY FOR HIS FEET AND HE MAKES A LOT OF NOISE. HE DEFINITELY PICKS HIS NOSE. WHO IS HE? YOU TAKE THE LONG TRAIN INTO THE CITY, SEEING THE DOORMAN, THE FEDEX GUY, THE MAIL WOMAN, THE GUY FROM THE OFFICE AROUND THE CORNER. YOU SMILE AT THEM ALL. THE INTERACTION SKIDS THE SURFACE, BARELY PUNCTURING YOUR SOCIAL INTAKE FOR THE DAY. YOU SEE THESE PEOPLE LITERALLY EVERYDAY YET KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM. YOU HAVE ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE, BUT YOU DON'T. YOU'RE STUCK IN A UNIVERSE WHERE NO ONE HAS THE TIME OR INTEREST TO HAVE A DEEP CONVERSATION SO YOU KEEP MOVING FORWARD, STRIVING FOR SOMETHING MORE.
NEW YORK CITY IS ARGUABLY THE GLOBAL INFLUENTIAL CENTER OF ART, CULTURE, MEDIA, TECHNOLOGY, ENTERTAINMENT, FASHION, AND FINANCE. IT IS THE MOST POPULATED CITY IN THE UNITED STATES. THERE ARE ROUGHLY EIGHT MILLION, FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETY ONE THOUSAND, SEVENTY ONE PEOPLE IN NEW YORK CITY. "NEW YORK CITY" INCLUDES 5 BOROUGHS: THE BRONX, QUEENS, STATEN ISLAND (?), BROOKLYN, AND MANHATTAN - A TOTAL OF 304.6 SQUARE MILES. AS MANY AS EIGHT HUNDRED LANGUAGES ARE SPOKEN IN THIS CITY. AS MANY AS 56 MILLION TOURISTS WANDER THE STINKY STREETS EACH YEAR. NEW YORK CITY'S 5 BOROUGHS COME FACE TO FACE WHERE THE ATLANTIC OCEAN MEETS THE HUDSON RIVER WITH STATEN ISLAND BEING THE (ROTTEN) "CORE" OF THE "BIG APPLE".
YET - EVEN WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE AND JOB OPPORTUNITIES AND MONEY - IT IS ONE OF THE LONELIEST PLACES IN THE WORLD.
PUTTING YOURSELF OUT THERE AND LETTING OTHER HUMANS REJECT YOU IS TERRIFYING - TO PUT IT LIGHTLY. NOTHING HURTS MORE THAN BEING COMPLETELY YOURSELF AND HAVING SOMEONE ELSE SAY "NOPE, JUST NOT INTERESTED."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAS CAUSED MY DISTINCT PROBLEM OF OVER-SHARING. I OVER-SHARE IN ORDER TO FIND PEOPLE WHO WILL ACCEPT ME UNCONDITIONALLY. IF YOU CAN ACCEPT AND ENJOY ME WHEN I AM "TOO MUCH" THEN YOU CAN DEFINITELY APPRECIATE ME WHEN I'M JUST CHILLING.
SO FAR, THIS HAS WORKED QUITE GOOD. I CAN'T POSSIBLY IMAGINE BETTER FRIENDS THAN THE ONES I HAVE ACCUMULATED. SOMETIMES THEIR JAWS STILL DROP IN SHOCK AT THE STORIES THAT COME OUT OF MY MOUTH, BUT THEY USUALLY ASK FOR MORE DETAILS. I'M VERY THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS. THEY KEEP ME SANE. THEY KEEP ME INSANE. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT I FEEL LIKE I AM MISSING OUT.
HOW DO I BALANCE MY HAPPINESS IN BEING ALONE WITH THE CRAVING I HAVE TO MEET SOMEONE NEW? HOW DO I ALLOW MYSELF TO OPEN UP ENOUGH TO SHOW MY TRUE SELF? IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I AM TOO CONTENT AND TOO HAPPY WITH MYSELF TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO CHERISHES ME JUST AS MUCH?