I HAVE A THEORY.
I HAVE A THEORY THAT HUMANS ARE LIKE DRESSERS.
IF YOU LOOK AT A PERSON HARD ENOUGH, THEY LOOK LIKE CERTAIN PARTS OF HISTORY, WHICH DIRECTLY RELATES TO MY LOVE OF FURNITURE DESIGN.
FOR EXAMPLE, MY DAD WOULD BE A REALLY RUSTIC DRESSER WITH DARK-STAINED WALNUT. HIS DRESSER WOULD HAVE ROUGH SANDING MARKS ACROSS THE TOP, LIKE AN UNFINISHED PROJECT. IT WOULD HAVE MULTI-COLORED PAINT DRIPS ON IT. IT WOULD BE SITTING ON A TARP SOMEWHERE IN A SUBURBAN GARAGE, WAITING TO BE RE-SANDED AND RE-PAINTED.
MY MOTHER WOULD BE ONE OF THOSE SOLID MAHOGANY DRESSERS FROM THE 1940'S WITH GOLD PULLS. THEY WEIGH APPROXIMATELY 500 POUNDS EMPTY.
I'D BE A WALNUT DRESSER LIKE MY FATHER. EXCEPT MY DRESSER WOULD BE LOW - MID-CENTURY MODERN. IT'D HAVE CARVED PULLS AND NO LOGICAL STORAGE.
TO EVERYONE I DON'T LIKE: YOU'RE FROM IKEA. YOU ALL LOOK THE DAMN SAME AND DON'T FUNCTION THE WAY YOU SHOULD. YOUR DRAWER PULLS ARE ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP AND MY T SHIRTS GET STUCK BETWEEN THE DRAWERS. THE VENEER IS PEELING OFF AND I'VE ALREADY SCRATCHED THE TOP WITH MY KEY BY ACCIDENT. IN SHORT, YOU'RE CHEAPLY MADE. SORRY.
MALE DRESSERS AND FEMALE DRESSERS FUNCTION MUCH DIFFERENTLY.
LET'S SAY THAT EACH DRAWER REPRESENTS AN ASPECT OF LIFE. AS HUMANS WE HAVE FOUR DRAWERS: A CAREER DRAWER, A FRIENDSHIP DRAWER, AND RELATIONSHIP DRAWER, AND A FAMILY DRAWER.
US WOMEN LIKE TO PULL OUT A FEW DRAWERS AT A TIME. IN FACT, WE LEAVE THEM SAGGING OPEN WITH RED PANTIES HANGING OUT ALL SIDES. EVENTUALLY, WE DROP OTHER THINGS INTO THE DRAWERS. OTHER THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG THERE. OTHER THINGS LIKE LIGHTERS, RECEIPTS, BOWLS, UNUSED TAMPONS, LIPSTICK - ANYTHING THAT CLUTTERS COUNTERTOPS END UP MIXED BETWEEN ZARA AND URBAN OUTFITTERS. I HAVE LIPSTICK STAINS TO PROVE IT.
WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES. WE CAN PULL OUT THE FAMILY DRAWER, THE CAREER DRAWER, AND THE RELATIONSHIP AT THE SAME TIME. WE CAN JUGGLE THE DRAMA OF MULTIPLE DIFFERENT FACETS: CALLING MOM, EMAILING OUR BOSS, AND FIGHTING WITH OUR BOYFRIEND OVER WHAT'S FOR DINNER AT THE SAME TIME. I'D SAY, ON AVERAGE, ALL WOMEN LEAVE AT LEAST THREE DRAWERS OF LIFE PULLED OUT AT A TIME.
MEN, ON THE OTHER HAND, DON'T LEAVE DRAWERS OPEN. THEY CLOSE THEM. SOMETIMES THEY CLOSE THEM FORCEFULLY. THEY SHOVE THE DRAWERS CLOSED UNTIL ALL OF THEIR T SHIRTS ARE WRINKLED UP AND POKING OUT OF THE TOP.
MEN ONLY PULL OUT ONE DRAWER AT A TIME. THEY PULL OUT THE CAREER DRAWER AND ONLY FOCUS ON THAT ONE ASPECT OF LIFE. IT'S VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR THEM TO ALSO OPEN THE RELATIONSHIP DRAWER. EVER HEARD "I JUST REALLY NEED TO FOCUS ON MY JOB." OR "MAYBE ONCE I GET SETTLED AT WORK" OR "I'M JUST NOT AT A POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I CAN MAKE YOU A PRIORITY". THIS IS BECAUSE THEIR DRAWER IS OPEN. THEN, THEY CAN COME HOME FROM WORK AND CLOSE THE CAREER DRAWER. SUDDENLY, THEY OPEN THE RELATIONSHIP DRAWER. NOTHING FROM THE CAREER DRAWER HAS SPILLED INTO THE RELATIONSHIP DRAWER. HE PROBABLY WON'T EVEN DISCUSS WORK. THE DRAWER WAS CLOSED. HE'S NOT STRESSED ABOUT WORK AND CAN DEVOTE 100% OF HIS ATTENTION TO HIS RIGHT HAND WRAPPED AROUND - WELL.
HE DECIDES TO GO HOME FOR THE WEEKEND. HE'S CLOSED THE OTHER DRAWERS AND SLIDES OUT THE FAMILY ONE. HE PLAYS CARDS WITH GRANDMA, TAKES SELFIES WITH HIS SISTERS, AND LOOK - YOUR TEXTS ARE IGNORED.
HE SAYS HE'S GOING OUT WITH "THE BOYS" - WHOEVER THOSE PEOPLE ARE - AND YOU MAY AS WELL JUST BOIL INTO STEAM BECAUSE FORGETTTTTT ABOUT RECEIVING ANY ATTENTION. HE'S GOT THE FRIENDSHIP DRAWER OPEN. HALF OF IT IS FILLED WITH A THICK YELLOW MANUAL THAT RESEMBLED A TELEPHONE BOOK CALLED "HOW TO BE A CONDESCENDING DICK IN ORDER TO LOOK NON-COMMITTED IN FRONT OF YOUR CHODE FRIENDS". I HAVEN'T PERSONALLY READ THE BOOK BUT I'VE SEEN IT, IT EXISTS.
I ASPIRE TO BE MORE LIKE A MAN DRESSER. IT'D BE SO GREAT TO OPEN ONE DRAWER AT A TIME. FOCUS AT WORK ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WITHOUT BEING DISTRACTED BY THE LOOMING CLOUD THAT IS THE DATE I HAVE TONIGHT. I'D LOVE TO GO HOME, CLOSE THE DRAWER, AND THEN OPEN THE DATE DRAWER. I SO DESPERATELY WISH I COULD FOCUS ON THIS CUTE BOY ACROSS FROM ME. HE HAS NICE HANDS. THEY'RE KIND OF ROUGH. ROUGH HANDS... SHIT. DID I SIGN THE SHOP DRAWINGS FROM THE CONTRACTOR? FUCK. OH HI RIGHT YEAH I'LL HAVE WINE. WINE... AH I DIDN'T RSVP TO MY FRIENDS WINE TASTING PARTY. DAMMIT.
OUR MINDS ARE CONSTANTLY WANDERING. IT'S VERY, VERY HARD FOR A WOMAN TO CLOSE ALL OF HER DRAWERS AND SOLELY ORGANIZE ONE DRAWER. ONCE A WOMAN STARTS ORGANIZING SUDDENLY THERE IS A GIANT TRASH BAG OF OLD T-SHIRTS GOING TO THE RESCUE MISSION. THREE MONTHS LATER WE ARE PISSED WE CAN'T FIND THAT BLACK KNIT SWEATER WITH THE ZIPPER. CHANCES ARE HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SWEATER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE A PERSONAL FASHION DRAWER.
IF A DRESSER IS A REPRESENTATION OF A PERSON'S LIFESTYLE AND PERSONALITY, IT'S OBVIOUS TO SEE THAT SEXES HANDLE THINGS MUCH DIFFERENTLY. JUST LIKE A DRESSER ISN'T BROKEN IF ITS HARDWARE IS BROKEN - HUMANS AREN'T BROKEN BECAUSE OF THEIR FLAWS. LATELY, I'VE BEEN FEELING THAT I AM 'TOO MUCH'. THAT THERE ARE TOO MANY QUIRKY THINGS ABOUT ME TO BE ABLE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME ENTIRELY. THE ONLY THING I CAN SAY IS, TRY TO BE KIND. TRY TO LOVE PEOPLE EVEN IF THEIR DRAWERS ARE OVERFLOWING.