THE AMOUNT OF CASUAL SEX BEING ENGAGED IN HAS SKYROCKETED SINCE THE INVENTION OF TINDER. THE ABILITY TO MAKE BAD DECISIONS IS AT YOUR FINGER-TIPS. PEOPLE WHO IDENTIFY WITH HAVING A SEX ADDICTION HAS INCREASED BY 50% IN THE LAST TWO YEARS. THE NUMBER OF STD'S REPORTED IN AMERICA HAS RISEN 15% THIS PAST YEAR ALONE. WHEN YOU FEEL THE NEED FOR ATTENTION AND MILD HUMAN INTERACTION, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS UNLOCK YOUR PHONE. (GROSS I'M SUCH A MILLENNIAL).
MY CONCLUSION TO THE AFOREMENTIONED FACTS IS THAT IT SEEMS THAT MEN WANT TO PUT THEIR DICK IN ANYTHING - REGARDLESS OF THINGS LIKE:
BRAINS
STDS
MUTUAL ATTRACTION
GOOD CONVERSATION
INTELLECT
HUMOR
ETC.
I THINK I SPEAK FOR MOST OF THE FEMALE POPULATION WHEN I SAY THAT I HAVE NOT ONCE OPENED THE TINDER APP IN HOPES OF GETTING EASY SEX. I GENUINELY WANT TINDER TO PRESENT ME WITH ANOTHER INTROVERTED HOME-BODY SUCH AS MYSELF. I FIGURE I WON'T MEET ONE WHEN I GO OUT, BECAUSE WE BOTH WISH WE WERE AT HOME.
REGARDLESS OF MY INTENTIONS WITH TINDER, I HAVE ENDED UP HAVING SEX WITH A HANDFUL OF MATCHES.
I ONLY SWIPE WHEN I AM STONED. I USUALLY HAVE A BOWL OF FOOD BALANCED BETWEEN MY BOOBS. I'M ALSO ALWAYS WATCHING BAD REALITY TV. I BECOME SO ENGROSSED IN THE TV SHOW THAT I JUST START SWIPING ALL PEOPLE IN ONE DIRECTION WITHOUT NOTICING. IN JUXTAPOSITION, I FEEL LIKE MEN ONLY USE TINDER WHILE THEY ARE POOPING.
AH MY FIRST TINDER ONE NIGHTER: I'LL CALL HIM JAK. MY FRIENDS AND I CALL HIM SAGGY BALL GUY. SBG IS A CREATIVE. HE'S A YOUNG, POOR, IMMATURE, AND EXTREME IN MINDSET - A DRAMA QUEEN. SBG ISN'T THE CUTEST HUMAN. HE HAS A BABY FACE AND WHEN HE GROWS OUT HIS ATTEMPT AT A BEARD IT RESEMBLES STRINGY PUBES :( . HE WEARS LOTS OF BEANIES - I THINK IT'S BECAUSE HE'S NERVOUS ABOUT HIS RECEDING HAIRLINE. POOR THING.
SBG IS TALENTED. EXTREMELY TALENTED. HE'S SMART AND INTELLECTUALLY DISTURBED - DARK - AND HAS A PRECISE VISION. HE ALSO HAS AN IRRESISTIBLE DOG - WHICH IS WHAT GOT ME BACK TO HIS APARTMENT.
THE SEX WAS FINE - A VANILLA CAKE SMUDGE ON A HANDWRITTEN ESSAY. HE PERFORMED LIKE MOST 24-YEAR-OLDS. HE DIDN'T GO DOWN ON ME FOR LONG ENOUGH SO I "ACCIDENTALLY" KNEED HIM IN THE BALLS WHILE SWITCHING POSITIONS. OOPS. ONCE RECOVERED, WE TRIED DOGGY.
THIS IS A TMI WARNING:
THE FOLLOWING CONTENT MAY BE TOO MUCH INFORMATION FOR THE EASILY DISTURBED:
SBG'S SAGGY BALLS SWUNG IN THE BREEZE. HAVE YOU EVER WORN A LONG FLOWY SHIRT AND HAVE IT GET WEDGED BETWEEN YOUR LEGS? SBG'S BALLS SWUNG BETWEEN MY LEGS LIKE THE ABANDONED END OF A JUMP ROPE. I COULD ALMOST HEAR THE WHIP THOUGH THE AIR, FOLLOWED BY AN UNPLEASANT BALL TAP TO THE FRONT OF MY VAGINA.
NO CUTE DOG IS WORTH THAT.
TINDER BOY NUMBER TWO I WANTED TO CUFF AND KEEP IN MY POCKET FOR ALL ETERNITY. HE'S STILL THE CUTEST, MOST PRECIOUS PIECE OF STRAWBERRY PIE I'VE LAID MY GREEDY EYES ON. WE MADE OUT IN MY FLORAL COVERED COLLEGE DORM BED IN MANHATTAN. HE KISSED WITH HIS MOUTH CLOSED, QUICK TIGHT KISSES THAT MADE ME THINK ABOUT PORN STARS BUTTHOLES. HE HALF-CAME IN HIS BLUE BOXERS. WE NEVER KISSED AGAIN. I USED TO THINK THE PROBLEM WAS ME, BUT I'VE REALIZED IF A TWENTY-TWO YEAR OLD IS STILL MAKING A MESS IN HIS PANTS I SHOULD LET HIM GO.
TINDER BOY NUMBER THREE CHANGED THE WAY I HAVE SEX. THE FIRST TIME I MET HIM, DISAPPOINTMENT COVERED MY FACE. BY THE END OF THE NIGHT HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO ASK ME TO GO HOME WITH HIM. SOME OF MY FAVORITE MEMORIES INVOLVE HIS CRAMPED L.E.S. APARTMENT. HE WAS TWENTY-EIGHT AND WOULD WIPE OFF MY DARK LIPSTICK WITH HIM THUMB, TELLING ME HE PREFERRED MY BARE LIPS. HE DIDN'T ORDER ME AROUND IN BED OR REQUEST BLOWJOBS. HE TOOK COMPLETE CONTROL, MOVING ME EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTED ME, COMPLIMENTING MY ENTIRE BODY BEFORE MAKING ME FORGET MY OWN NAME. EVENTUALLY, I BECAME FOR TOO MUCH FOR HIM. TOO MUCH FOR HIM IN THE WAY ADVENTUROUS WOMEN BECOME TOO MUCH FOR SYRACUSE. ASKING HIM FOR SEX ON HIS ROOFTOP MADE HIM HESITANT. THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T HAVE CURTAINS ON MY BROOKLYN THIRD-FLOOR BEDROOM WINDOWS MADE HIM FREEZE MID-BELT UNBUCKLING. I THOUGHT WE MATCHED IN PASSION AND IN CRAZY BUT IT TURNED OUT I WAS WRONG - HE EXPRESSED DESIRE FOR CRAZY BUT ACTUALLY WANTED GIRL-NEXT-DOOR, NEVER DYED THEIR HAIR, SOCCER MOM, TAKE ME HOME TO YOUR MOTHER IN THE SUBURBS TYPE GIRL. WHICH IS FINE, BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT ME.
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN, HE ONLY CAME WHEN I CALLED HIM DADDY.
TINDER BOY NUMBER FOUR WAS FROM MY HOMETOWN. I KNEW HE EXISTED FROM SQUEEZING BY HIM AT PARTIES, BUT I NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW HIM.
HE TOOK ME TO GET WINE. I DRAGGED HIM TO PLAY CHINESE CHECKERS AT BOOBIE TRAP. I STOLE A LIGHTER THAT SAID FUCK YOU AND WE SMOKED MY BOWL ON THE WAY BACK TO MY APARTMENT. WE GOT IN A KARATE FIGHT IN MY KITCHEN AND I OFFERED HIM DRY SPAGHETTI.
THE SEX WAS GREAT. I HONESTLY DON'T REMEMBER MOST OF IT, THOUGH I DO REMEMBER HIM ASKING TO GO DOWN ON ME AND ONLY ACTUALLY PARTAKING IN THE ACT FOR A MINUTE. I REMEMBER THINKING ABOUT WHAT LEVEL I WAS ON IN SUPER MARIO. THERE WAS THAT FIREBALL SPITTING TURTLE AND ME, RUNNING AROUND A GRAVITY-LESS SEE-THROUGH PLANET. IT TOOK ME A COUPLE MINUTES TO GET BACK IN THE SEX ZONE. HE HAD EARS LIKE AN ELF AND K-9S LIKE THIRTEEN YEAR OLD ME. THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT CUSE BOYS AND A 315 AREA CODE COMING UP IN MY TEXTS THAT REALLY GETS ME FEELING MUSHY ON THE INSIDE.
THIS BEING SAID, DON'T ENTER INTO A TINDER FLING WITHOUT REALIZING THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GOOD MORNING, ONLY GOODNIGHT.