I FELL IN LOVE ON THE TRAIN. THE L TRAIN TO BROOKLYN, TO BE SPECIFIC, AT FIRST AVENUE AND FOURTEENTH STREET.
I WAS BEING JUDGMENTAL, SCANNING THE CROWD AND PICKING OUT PLEATHER VERSUS LEATHER JACKETS. WHO WEARS BROWN LEATHER? AND THEN I SAW IT - A NAVY BLUE LEATHER JACKET WITH PERFORATED SHOULDERS AND LINEAR CHANNELED ELBOW PADS. I WAS INTRIGUED AND CONTINUED MY INVESTIGATION.
A KNIT GREY AND WHITE BEANIE FROM ONLY NY - WORN AND WELL LOVED. LONG BROWN SLIGHTLY GREASY SHOULDER LENGTH HAIR. ROUND GLASSES FOGGED FROM THE COLD. LIGHT STUBBLE ON HIS CHEEKS AND CHIN. THIN LIPS, STRAIGHT TEETH, AN INFECTIOUS SMILE.
MY HEART DROPPED.
A HAND REACHED OUT FROM BEHIND ANOTHER PASSENGER. A GIRLS HAND, PERFECTLY MANICURED RED FINGERNAILS AND STACKED SILVER RINGS. SHE PLACED HER HAND DAINTILY ON HIS CHEST, FIDDLING WITH THE BUTTONS ON HIS JACKET.
HOW OFTEN DO TWO SOULS CONNECT? HOW OFTEN IS THE ATTRACTION MUTUAL?
I'VE KISSED ONLY ONE BOY WHO I WAS CONSIDERABLY ATTRACTED TO. HE ENDED UP BEING BORING AND LAZY, ARTISTICALLY CONCEITED AND WORE WRINKLY GAP BOXERS. I CAN OVERLOOK THE BOXERS, AN EASY FIX REALLY, BUT WHEN HE CAME IN HIS OWN PANTS WHEN WE WERE HOOKING UP, I KNEW HE WAS TOO PREMATURE FOR MY CURRENT STATE OF MIND.
I WONDER WHY MEN I'M ATTRACTED TO AREN'T ATTRACTED TO ME IN RETURN. I'M NOT SURE IF I'M ON THE BOARDER OF PRETTY AND UNUSUAL, OR JUST PRETTY UNUSUAL.
MY DAD TELLS ME I'M THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE UNIVERSE. HE SAYS I CAN HAVE ANY BOY MY HEART DESIRES. I HUMOR HIM BUT I DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE HIM.
I WOULDN'T CALL MYSELF INSECURE. I AM VERY SECURE IN MYSELF, MY PERSONALITY, MY PROS AND CONS. I KNOW WHAT ABOUT ME IS HARD TO LOVE AND WHAT IS EASY TO LOVE. I DON'T FEEL UNEASY ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF. I AM NOT NERVOUS ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF MY PERSONALITY. THE LAST WORD I WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE MYSELF IS VULNERABLE. WHAT I AM INSECURE ABOUT IS PATHETIC REALLY. I'M INSECURE ABOUT MY PHYSICAL SELF, MY SOULS MAZDA MIATA. IT'S GOT A FLAT TIRE. AND SOME KEY MARKS ALONG THE DOORS.
REGARDLESS OF GENDER OR IDENTITY, WE ALL UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A GIRL. I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO HOW SOCIETY EXPECTS WOMEN TO LOOK AND BEHAVE. WE ARE DROWNED IN THIS CONVERSATION. WHAT I AM GOING TO GET INTO IS ITS ETERNAL EFFECT ON MY SPONTANEITY, MY COURAGE, MY SELF CONFIDENCE, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, MY RELATIONSHIPS.
THE AMOUNT OF TIMES DIFFERENT PARTICIPANTS OF THE MALE GENDER HAVE CALLED ME A BITCH IS DEFLATING. I UNDERSTAND SOME HUMANS DON'T HAVE VAST VOCABULARIES - 'BITCH' SEEMS TO DESCRIBE MY BEHAVIOR BEST WHEN MEN ARE PERPLEXED AND AT A LOSS FOR OTHER ADJECTIVES.
WHAT DESPERATELY NEEDS CLARITY HERE IS THAT BEING RUDE IS A SHIELD. AN EFFECTIVE SHIELD WITH RAZOR SHARP EDGES. SOMETIMES I'M CAPABLE OF BEING MEAN. HOWEVER, NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN I DON'T REALIZE PEOPLE MAY SEE MY BEHAVIOR AS CRUEL. MY INTENTIONS ARE SIMPLE - I'M AIMING TO TAKE TENDER CARE OF MY WILTING FLOWER OF A SOUL. NOTHING MAKES ME MORE ANGRY THAN BEING CALLED A BITCH WHEN I AM ATTEMPTING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I AM MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.
SOMETIMES I SIT ON MY BED AND WRAP MYSELF IN A CAVE OF PINK BELGIAN LINEN. I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF IN TIMES OF DESPAIR THAT I AM SO SO BRAVE. I REGARD MYSELF AS A HUMAN OUTSIDE OF MYSELF AND ANALYZE MY LIFE AS AN OUTSIDER. I'M REALLY PROUD OF MYSELF. I'M REALLY STRONG AND BRAVE AND DEFINITELY A BAD ASS LADY. I'M PROUD OF MYSELF FOR BEING OPTIMISTIC IN A WORLD OF TERRIBLE TRAGEDY AND PESSIMISM. I'M BRAVE FOR EXPOSING MYSELF TO THE POSSIBILITY OF LOVE AND EXTREME PAIN AFTER BEING HURT AND STOMPED ON REPEATEDLY. I'M A BAD ASS LADY FOR STICKING TO MY GUNS AND ALWAYS SAYING HOW I FEEL, NO MATTER THE IMPACT ON MY RELATIONSHIPS. I'M A BAD ASS LADY FOR BEING SEX POSITIVE AND A DEVELOPING AN IRON STRONG BOND WITH MY GENDER AND FEMINISM. I'M IN ENDLESS AWE OF MY ABILITY TO BE REALISTIC AND STILL FLY ABOVE THE GROUND WITH DREAMS. ME, I AM PRETTY DAMN IMPRESSIVE.
SO WHY AM I SO UNSURE IF I DESERVE THE LOVE I CRAVE?
IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO RAISE YOURSELF UP. IF YOU DON'T, WHO ELSE WILL? IT'S IMPORTANT TO BE YOUR OWN CLOSEST FRIEND. IF YOU CANNOT CONFIDE IN YOURSELF, WHO CAN YOU CONFIDE IN? IT'S IMPORTANT TO ENJOY YOUR OWN COMPANY, MASTER THE ART OF OBSERVATION, FIND YOUR TRIBE, AND BE INTENSE ABOUT YOUR LIFE AND THE TREATMENT YOU DESERVE.
PEOPLE MAY CALL YOU CRAZY. THERE WILL BE DAYS WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE NO ONE IN ALL OF CREATION CAN POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH YOU. MAYBE THERE ISN'T. MAYBE YOU HAVE ALREADY FOUND YOUR SOUL MATE - YOURSELF - AND I HOPE TO GOD THAT YOU'RE ENOUGH FOR YOU.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THINGS WITH SOULS UNEQUAL TO MINE. I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE TIME, EITHER.
TO COEXIST WITH MEDIOCRITY IS A WASTE.