YOU WAKE UP. THE DULL LIGHT COMING FROM YOUR WINDOW BLINDS YOU LIKE AN ONCOMING TRAIN. YOU'RE HUNGOVER. YOU REST YOUR HAND ON YOUR TUMMY. IT'S NOT HAPPY WITH YOU. ITS GURGLING AND FLIPPING UPSIDE DOWN. YOU SMACK YOUR LIPS TOGETHER. WATER.
YOU STEP ONTO THE HARDWOOD FLOOR AND STAGGER TO THE KITCHEN. YOU GUIDE YOURSELF ALONG THE HALLWAY WITH YOUR LEFT HAND GRIPPING THE WALL AS YOU GO. YOU RIP OPEN THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR AND SCRAMBLE FOR THE WATER PITCHER AS BILE MAKES ITS WAY UP YOUR THROAT.
YOUR HAND WRAPS AROUND THE COLD PITCHER. YOU DROP YOUR HEAD BACK AND DRAIN THE PITCHERS CONTENTS INTO YOUR DRY, DRY MOUTH.
VODKA HITS THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT. THIS IS NOT A WATER PITCHER. YOU PROJECTILE VOMIT ACROSS YOUR WHITE REFRIGERATOR.
THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO BE AN ADULT.
THE QUARTER LIFE CRISIS. ITS REAL.
YOU WENT TO COLLEGE.
YOU SPENT ENDLESS HOURS IN THE LIBRARY, THE COMPUTER LAB, AND CLASSROOMS. YOU DRANK AWAY YOUR PAIN, SMOKED AWAY YOUR WORRIES. YOUR PARENTS PAID FOR YOUR DINNERS, YOUR LAUNDRY, AND YOUR HOUSING. YOU CHOSE YOUR FRIENDS WISELY. YOU ALL LIVED IN THE SAME BUILDING - JUST TWO FLOORS AWAY FOR MORAL SUPPORT.
YOU HAD A SCHEDULE. YOU WENT TO CLASS, YOU SNORED THROUGH LECTURES, YOU WENT TO BARS AT NIGHT. YOU WORE YOUR ROOMMATES PANTS WHEN YOU WERE OUT OF LAUNDRY. YOUR UNDERWEAR WAS COMFORTABLE BALLED UP IN THE CORNER OF YOUR DORM ROOM. YOUR DISHES WERE STACKED IN YOUR STAINLESS-STEEL SINK. YOUR BED WAS ALWAYS UN-MADE AND WELCOMING.
THEN YOU GRADUATED.
YOU DID THE CEREMONY. YOU SAID STRANGE GOODBYES. YOU WERE EXCITED TO BECOME A PART OF THE ADULT WORLD. WHAT A GREAT ADVENTURE!
AS IT TURNS OUT, THE ADULT WORLD IS A PIECE OF SHIT. IT IS PEE COVERED SNOW IN APRIL. IT IS MOLDY CHINESE FOOD FOR LUNCH. IT IS AN EIGHTY DOLLAR UBER FARE OVER THE BRIDGE HOME.
YOU HAVE TO PAY RENT. ITS OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH. NOT INCLUDING UTILITIES. YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IS DWINDLING BY THE SECOND. YOU EAT MORE RAMEN AS AN ADULT THAN YOU EVER DID IN COLLEGE. YOUR SEX LIFE IS NON-EXISTENT. YOU CAN'T AFFORD WEED. YOU CAN'T AFFORD WINE. YOU AREN'T THE HOTTEST NEW HIRE IN THE OFFICE. YOUR JOB IS NOT WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE. YOU'RE A GLORIFIED SLAVE. YOU WORK CONSTANTLY - SOMETIMES ALL NIGHT - FOR VERY LITTLE PAY. YOU SLEEP, WORK, EAT, SLEEP, WORK, REPEAT.
YOU'RE SINGLE. YOU'RE NOT MINGLING. YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN YOU. YOU'RE GAINING WEIGHT. YOUR CREATIVE PULSES ARE SIMMERING. YOU OWE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING MONEY. YOU WANT TO GIVE THE HOMELESS MAN ON THE CORNER A DOLLAR - BUT YOU LITERALLY CANNOT AFFORD TO.
THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU ENVISIONED. YOU SAW WORK EVENTS, CUTE I.T. GUYS, HAPPY HOUR AFTER WORK. YOU SAW A NEW RELATIONSHIP, A NEW APARTMENT, A NEW START. INSTEAD YOU ARE SITTING ON THE TOILET AT WORK FOR A FEW EXTRA MINUTES OF PEACE.
YOU HAVE SETTLED ON YOUR LIFE'S PATH. YOU'VE CHOSEN A CAREER, A CITY, AND A LIFESTYLE. YOU ARE NOW - OFFICIALLY - AN ADULT.
THE QUARTER LIFE CRISIS LASTS - ON AVERAGE - TWO YEARS. IT SNEAKS UP ON YOU IN PHASES. THE FIRST PHASE, IN MY EXPERIENCE, IS CLAUSTROPHOBIA. YOU'RE LOCKED INTO A JOB YOU DON'T LOVE WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO ABUSE THEIR POWER OVER YOU. PERHAPS YOU'RE STUCK IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS DEEMED FOR HELL. NONE-THE-LESS, YOU'RE TRAPPED BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE.
THEN, PHASE TWO COMES AROUND TO BITE YOUR ASS. YOU START TO FEEL ELATED, LIKE CHANGE IS POSSIBLE!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING AROUND FOR?! YOU'RE SO YOUNG! SEIZE THE MOMENT! THIS IS WHEN YOU CONSIDER PACKING YOUR BELONGINGS INTO CARDBOARD BOXES. YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT BREAKING UP WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. YOU START GOOGLING THE BEST CITIES TO LIVE IN AS A TWENTY YEAR OLD. YOU CONSIDER STARTING YOUR OWN BUSINESS. YOU SUDDENLY FEEL THAT ALL OF YOUR PRIOR COMMITMENTS ARE BULLSHIT. THIS IS ALSO REFERRED TO AS THE "PETER PAN SYNDROME" OR THE INABILITY TO ACCEPT LIFE'S RESPONSIBILITIES - IN OTHER WORDS - REFUSING TO GROW UP. OUR GENERATION IS AMAZING IN THE SENSE THAT WE ARE ALL ABOUT SELF FULFILLMENT - WHO ARE WE? WHAT DO WE WANT? WHERE DO WE WANT TO BE?
PHASE THREE IS JUST FLAT OUT DEPRESSION. YOUR LIFE HAS GONE FROM SEMI-GLOSSY TO MATTE. YOU WATCH A LOT OF NETFLIX. YOU DO A LOT OF COMPLAINING. HOWEVER, YOU'RE ALSO NERVOUS AND INSECURE. YOU'RE NOT SURE HOW TO CONFESS THIS FEELING TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THE FEELING THAT YOU ARE JUST WASTING YOUR LIFE ON MUNDANE DAILY ACTIVITIES.
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF PHASE THREE IS TO BUCK UP AND SHARE YOUR FEELINGS. TRUTH IS, EVERY TWENTY-SOMETHING IS WEARING THE SAME DAMN HOLEY SNEAKERS YOU ARE. WE ARE ALL SO VERY UNSURE OF OUR POSITIONS AND DIRECTION. BEING A HOT-HEADED, IMPULSIVE HUMAN MAKES THE QUARTER LIFE CRISIS MUCH HARDER. YOU HAVE TO REMIND YOURSELF NOT TO MAKE ANY RASH DECISIONS. THIS COULD RESULT IN YOUR DEMISE. THE EASIEST THING TO DO IS TO TAKE IT A DAY AT A TIME. ALTER THINGS SLOWLY, MAKE DECISIONS SLOWLY, MAKE PURCHASES SLOWLY. GAIN RESPONSIBILITY SLOWLY. IT'S A BORING SNAIL PROCESS BUT WE JUST SIMPLY CANNOT EXPECT IT ALL TO BE HANDED TO US IN A TIFFANY-BLUE BOX.
PHASE FOUR IS ACCEPTANCE - AS THE LAST PHASE ALWAYS IS. YOU ADJUST TO YOUR NEW LIFE IN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN - BY LIVING IT. SOMETIMES THE EASIEST SOLUTION TO FIXING A PROBLEM IS NOT FIXING IT AT ALL. DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? I FEEL THAT LIFE ONLY GIVES US WHAT WE CAN HANDLE. IT MAY FEEL LIKE MOUNT EVEREST RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE - BUT IMAGINE HAVING A HUSBAND - OR EVEN MORE TERRIFYING - A BABY.
RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN HUMANS IS WHAT GETS US THROUGH LIFE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PURPOSE OF THIS WORLD IS, AND IT FRUSTRATES ME ENDLESSLY THAT I HAVE TO DO LAME SHIT LIKE BUY TAMPONS AND WORK FOR A LIVING, BUT IT ALL BECOMES WORTH IT WHEN YOU GET TO EXPERIENCE LIFE ALONGSIDE TRULY FANTASTIC HUMAN BEINGS.
THIS IS A CHALLENGE TO YOU, READERS (ARE YOU THERE?) AND TO ME. I HAVEN'T BEEN PROACTIVE ABOUT MUCH LATELY - MY BLOG, MY RELATIONSHIPS, MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY. I AM TERRIFIED OF STEPPING OUT INTO THE UNKNOWN, LETTING MY CRAZY SHOW, EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS FOR BOYS. I DESPERATELY WISH FOR SOMEONE TO CONFESS THEIR LOVE TO ME, BUT THAT'S JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO MAKE YOURSELF UNCOMFORTABLE. DO AND SAY THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU ITCH UNDER YOUR SKIN. LIVE FEARLESSLY.