LET'S CALL HER MIRANDA. I WISH I COULD TELL YOU HER REAL NAME, BECAUSE IT'S JUST AS REPULSIVE AS HER PERSONALITY. IT'S LIKE HER PARENTS KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO BIRTH A RAGING BITCH AND NAMED HER ACCORDINGLY.
WE SAT NEAR EACH OTHER IN CHEMISTRY. SHE FELT COOL ENOUGH TO GOSSIP WITH THE 'POPULAR' KIDS - THOUGH I'M NOT SURE THEY FOUND HER COOL ENOUGH. HER FORM OF GOSSIP WAS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUT-DOWNS OF THE "LESSER" CROWD. I THOUGHT I WAS CLEAR OF HER BULLSHIT BECAUSE I WAS COMPLETELY OFF THE GRID IN TERMS OF POPULARITY. LIVING IN A CABIN WITH AN OUTHOUSE TYPE OF OFF THE GRID.
I WAS MISTAKEN.
MIRANDA TRIED ON BRIAN'S DARK BLACK THICK-FRAMED GLASSES.
"YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN." HE SNORTED.
TAKEN ABACK AND INSULTED, SHE SHIFTED THE HATRED TOWARDS ME.
"NO I DON'T. IF I LOOKED LIKE A LESBIAN, I'D LOOK LIKE SHELBY."
IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS NOT THE FIRE-CRACKING, SPITTER OF RUDE COMEBACKS THAT I AM KNOWN TO BE NOW. IN HIGH SCHOOL, MY HAIR WAS MY NATURAL BLOND. I DIDN'T OWN A LICK OF MAKEUP - I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FOUNDATION WAS USED FOR. I PLAYED SOCCER AND TENNIS AND WEIGHED 118 POUNDS. I HAD 13% BODY FAT. I HAD NEVER TASTED ALCOHOL - LET ALONE BEEN DRUNK. I HAD NEVER BEEN AROUND DRUGS OR CIGARETTES. I SHOPPED AT THRIFT STORES AND ENVIED THE GIRLS WHO COULD AFFORD ABERCROMBIE (EW). I READ BOOKS AND PLAYED THE SIMS ON THE WEEKEND, DESIGNING MY DREAM HOUSES WITH ENDLESS BUDGETS. MY FAVORITE PASTIME WAS WATCHING MOVIES LIKE RIDDICK AND THE GODFATHER WITH MY DAD. UNFORTUNATELY, MY INNOCENCE MADE ME THE EASIEST TARGET FOR BULLIES.
MIRANDA AND HER STRINGY BOOGER HAIR WASN'T THE FIRST PERSON TO LABEL ME AS A LESBIAN IN HIGH SCHOOL. IN FACT, ALMOST DAILY, I WAS HERDED TO THE SIDE - TRIPPED BY THE WORDS 'DYKE' AND 'LIPSTICK LESBIAN'. I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS DENYING THE RUMORS ABOUT ME AND MY BEST FRIEND. IT WAS EXHAUSTING. I LOST FRIENDS, BECAME A BACKGROUND SHADOW TO GUYS. I WASN'T ASKED TO MY JUNIOR PROM OR SENIOR BALL. I DIDN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND FOR MANY YEARS. THIS RESULTED IN A HUGE LACK OF SEXUAL KNOWLEDGE AND COMFORT WITH MEN. I WAS BULLIED BY FORMER FRIENDS, PARENTS, AND TEAMMATES.MY GYM TEACHER, WHO IS STILL A HORRID FRIGID BITCH WITH A PERMANENT CAMEL TOE, ASKED MY SISTER IN FRONT OF HER ENTIRE SENIOR CLASS IF I WAS INTERESTED IN OTHER WOMEN.
MOST PEOPLE WHISPERED BEHIND MY BACK, POINTING AND LAUGHING. THE GIRLS BATHROOM WAS MY NIGHTMARE. I COULDN'T PEE WITHOUT HEARING "ISN'T SHE GAY??" "THAT'S SO FUCKING GROSS".
MY BEST FRIEND'S BROTHER AND HIS FRIENDS WOULD MOCK US AT OUR SLEEPOVERS - MAKING SCISSOR MOTIONS WITH THEIR FINGERS BEFORE WE WENT TO BED, ASKING IF THEY COULD WATCH. I WOULD GET TEXTS FROM BOYS IN MY GRADE ASKING FOR PICTURES OF MY BEST FRIEND AND I NAKED TOGETHER. MY OWN MOTHER USED TO REMIND ME DAILY ABOUT THE HELL WAITING FOR ME IF I WAS ENGAGING IN HOMOSEXUAL ACTS. THE CONSTANT JUDGMENT AND CRUELTY TORE ME APART INSIDE. I HAD ZERO SELF CONFIDENCE, AND ZERO HOPE FOR A BRIGHTER LIFE.
I NEVER CRIED, I NEVER COMPLAINED ABOUT THE CONSTANT BULLYING. BUT THE RUMORS AND HATRED HAD AN ETERNAL AFFECT ON MY MINDSET, MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS HUMANS, SEXUALITY, AND OPENNESS. IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME I WOULD KISS MY BEST FRIEND ON THE LIPS IN THE HALLWAY AND TELL THE JERKS TO SHOVE ROUGH SANDPAPER UP THEIR ASSES.
IT TOOK ME A WHILE, MAYBE UNTIL AFTER I GRADUATED, TO REALIZE THAT I GREW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF A TURNOVER OF REACTIONS TO HOMOSEXUALITY. SYRACUSE IS NOT SMALL BY ANY MEANS, BUT MY TEENAGE YEARS WERE BLANKETED IN HOMOPHOBIC HATE.
THE TRUTH IS, YES, I HAD A HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER GIRL FROM THE AGE OF SIXTEEN TO THE AGE OF EIGHTEEN. I ENDED THINGS WITH HER WHEN I LEFT FOR COLLEGE. IT WAS EXTREMELY PAINFUL BECAUSE I WAS HURTING MY BEST FRIEND'S FEELINGS - HOWEVER I KNEW MY TRUE SEXUAL IDENTITY AND I COULDN'T SACRIFICE MY HAPPINESS FOR HERS. DO I CONSIDER MYSELF GAY? ABSOLUTELY NOT. DO I CONSIDER MYSELF BISEXUAL? ALSO NO. I WOULD COMFORTABLY CALL MYSELF 70% STRAIGHT 30% GAY. THIS IS WHERE I FEEL COMFORTABLE LABELING MYSELF.
WE NEVER HAD SEX. WE NEVER SCISSORED. WE NEVER WENT DOWN ON EACH OTHER. WE NEVER USED DILDOS. THE FIRST TIME I SAW HER NAKED, I VOMITED UP THE NACHOS AND CHEESE I HAD EATEN DURING THE TITANIC EARLIER IN THE EVENING. SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL, BUT I DON'T LIKE WOMEN.
I WAS SIXTEEN AND MY BEST FRIEND HAD HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES. WHEN SHE PLOPPED THEM IN MY LAP, I ACCEPTED THEM BECAUSE I LOVED HER. LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE. SOMETIMES THE BOUNDARIES BETWEEN ROMANTIC LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP LOVE CAN BE BLURRED. SOMETIMES WE CONFUSE OUR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER FOR SOMETHING THEY ARE NOT. THIS IS BECAUSE LOVE OF ANY KIND IS SO POWERFUL.
I EXPERIENCED MY LESBIAN "EXPERIMENTATION" VERY EARLY ON IN LIFE. MOST HUMANS DON'T GET THE PLEASURE OF MAKING OUT WITH THE SAME SEX UNTIL COLLEGE. FOR THESE EXPERIENCES I AM ETERNALLY THANKFUL. I AM NOT ASHAMED TO DISCUSS MY SEXUAL PREFERENCES. I AM VERY OPEN MINDED AND INTRIGUED BY OTHER WOMEN. IF MY GIRL-CRUSH FROM COLLEGE ASKED ME TO HOOK UP I'D DEFINITELY SAY YES - JUST SO THAT I COULD BRAG THAT I DID IT WITH A GODDESS.
IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE 100% STRAIGHT??? I DON'T THINK SO. I DO THINK THAT IT'S POSSIBLE TO BE BLINDED BY FEAR AND HATRED. I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO DENY, DENY, DENY. I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO BE SCARED. I THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO NOT KNOW YOURSELF AND YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCES WELL ENOUGH TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH SOLIDLY LABELING YOURSELF A MIXTURE SEXUAL PREFERENCES.
THAT BEING SAID, TO ALL THE ASSHOLES FROM HIGH SCHOOL THAT TORTURED ME DURING THE MOST CRUCIAL DAYS OF MY SEXUAL EXPLORATION: THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR FORCING ME TO BE STRONG. THANK YOU FOR OPENING MY EYES TO THE HATRED THAT HOMOSEXUAL HUMANS FACE. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE COMPLETE SHIT EVERY SINGLE DAY. IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO WRITE SO CONFIDENTLY ON THESE TOPICS. IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I WOULDN'T BE SUCH A LOVING AND ACCEPTING HUMAN. IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, I MIGHT NOT BE THE GIRL MY FRIENDS COME TO FOR ADVICE.
IN CONCLUSION, FUCK YOU CLASS OF 2011. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THE HATRED YOU SUBJECTED ME TO. I HOPE YOU HAVE LEARNED FROM YOUR ACTIONS. I HOPE FROM THIS DAY FORWARD THAT YOU TREAT EVERYONE YOU MEET WITH THE KINDNESS AND ACCEPTANCE THAT THEY DESERVE.