HE HAS A REVERSIBLE NAME. IT'S EITHER STEVEN PETERS OR PETER STEVENS. I HONESTLY CAN'T REMEMBER.
WE DATED WHEN I WAS FOURTEEN. I HAD BRACES WITH PINK RUBBER BANDS WRAPPED AROUND EACH METAL PIECE. I BARELY SPOKE. HE WAS (IS?) MORMON WITH A (SURPRISE SURPRISE) HUGE FAMILY. I DIDN'T (STILL DON'T) KNOW EXACTLY WHAT BEING MORMON ENTAILS. I DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT, EITHER.
HE WAS OLDER THAN ME BY TWO YEARS. HE HAD A POOL IN HIS BACKYARD AND A SHINY RED CONVERTIBLE IN ONE OF HIS FAMILY GARAGES. HIS FAMILY DOG WAS A HUSKY WITH MULTI-COLORED EYES. THEY KEPT IT TIED UP OUTSIDE.
I NEVER LOVED HIM. I WASN'T DELUSIONAL. IT WAS BARELY A CRUSH.
STEVEN/PETER CHEATED ON ME AND CONFESSED IT THROUGH TEARS AND DEEP GULPS OF AIR. IT WAS SLIGHTLY UPSETTING TO ME - SLIGHTLY UPSETTING IN THE SAME WAY THAT HAVING TO DO THE DISHES IS SLIGHTLY UPSETTING. AFTER A WHILE, I GOT IRRITATED BY HIS BLUBBERING AND TOLD HIM IT WAS OVER. I DUSTED OFF MY HANDS THE WAY YOU ATTEMPT TO GET CHALK DUST OFF OF YOUR HANDS. CLEAN START.
TURNS OUT KARMA KICKED STEVEN/PETER'S ASS QUITE HARD. HARD ENOUGH TO LEAVE A PERMANENT MARK. IT WAS ALL FUN AND SEX GAMES FOR THEM UNTIL SHE GREW A BABY BUMP. SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY AT SIXTEEN.
BEING MORMON, THEY KEPT THE KID. THAT MAKES HIM 24 NOW, WITH AN EIGHT YEAR OLD SON AND A MESSY DIVORCE.
CHEATER NUMBER TWO WAS LESS INTERESTING BUT MUCH CUTER. I DATED HIM IN HIGH SCHOOL. HIS FRIENDS SAID I WAS HOT THE WAY A SURFER CHICK IS HOT. I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS MEANS. HEWAS A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME, WHICH MADE ME FEEL LIKE A COUGAR, EVEN BACK THEN.
WE SPENT THE MAJORITY OF OUR RELATIONSHIP MAKING OUT ON HIS BASEMENT COUCH. HIS DAD WOULD COME DOWN AND CHECK ON US TO MAKE SURE WE WEREN'T IN EACH OTHER'S PANTS. NO, WE WERE USUALLY DEAD SILENT, MUNCHING POPCORN AND WATCHING 007 IN THE DARK.
NEITHER OF US TALKED MUCH. I DIDN'T TALK BECAUSE I WAS SHY. HE DIDN'T TALK BECAUSE HE WAS USUALLY TOO STONED.
MY BEST FRIEND USED TO PICK HIM UP FOR SCHOOL IN HER CAR. I CAUGHT THEM MAKING OUT IN THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT BEFORE HOMEROOM.
IT WASN'T LOVE. IT WAS BARELY A CRUSH. WE BROKE UP. HE CALLED HER WET VAGINA "PUSSY JUICE" AND I THREW UP IN MY FRONT LAWN.
UNBEKNOWNST TO ME, I WAS CHEATER NUMBER THREE. I MET A BOY MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE AT ORIENTATION. MY OPENER WAS, "ARE YOU GAY?".
I USED TO DRINK FOUR LOKO IN MY DORM ROOM WITH MY BEST FRIEND. WE USUALLY GOT TOO DRUNK AND ENDEDUP STUMBLING DOWN THE FOURTH FLOOR HALLWAY. EVERYONE KNEW THE STRAIGHT BOYS LIVED ON THE FOURTH FLOOR OF THE COED DORM BUILDING.
SOMEHOW THIS KID AND I WOULD HAVE MAKE OUT SESSIONS ON HIS TWIN SIZED BED. AT ONE POINT MID-MAKE OUT HIS GIRLFRIEND FROM CONNECTICUT CALLED. I HAD NO IDEA HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND, BUT KARMA STILL KICKED MY ASS HARD. I GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB AND RAN OUT OF THE ROOM BECAUSE HIS PUBES WERE SO UNTIDY THEY WERE BASICALLY FLOSSING MY TEETH. I TOLD MY BEST FRIENDS ABOUT THE INCIDENT AND NOW WE ONLY REFER TO THE KID AS "BUSH-BUSH". I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT HIS REAL NAME IS. I SEE HIM ON THE NYC STREETS SOMETIMES AND BUSH-BUSH IS THE ONLY THING THAT COMES TO MIND.
CHEATER NUMBER FOUR IS TOO USELESS TO MENTION.
I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL WITH CHEATER NUMBER FIVE. HE MESSAGED ME ON TWITTER (OH MODERN ROMANCE) AND INITIATED A CONVERSATION THAT MADE ME LAUGH. I DECIDED IT WOULD BE OKAY TO LET THE GUY TEXT ME, SO I GAVE HIM MY PHONE NUMBER.
HE WAS NONSTOP FOR THREE DAYS. "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK? WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON YOUR DREAM DAY OFF FROM WORK? YOUR HAIR IS SO CUTE CUT SHORT LIKE THAT. WHY ARE YOU SO ATTRACTIVE? I DON'T WANT TO MENTION SEX BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I'M A CREEP. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF SEX? ROUGH SEX?"
IF I DIDN'T ANSWER HIS TEXTS WITHIN TEN MINUTES HE WOULD DOUBLE-TEXT ME WITH "HELLO??". GOOD GOD, LIKE THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO DO IN LIFE IS ENTERTAIN THIS CHILD.
I WAS ON INSTAGRAM WHEN I REALIZED I WASN'T FOLLOWING HIS ACCOUNT. I REQUESTED HIM. HE IGNORED IT. HE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T LIKE SOCIAL MEDIA, AND SINCE I DIDN'T FOLLOW HIM BEFORE I SHOULDN'T CARE ABOUT FOLLOWING HIM NOW. HIS FUCK-BOY MENTALITY LED ME TO STALKING LIKE THE CIA PROFESSIONAL I AM CAPABLE OF BEING. NO MORE THAN TWO MINUTES AND THREE CLICKS IN DID I FIND THAT HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHO HE'S BEEN WITH FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
I ASKED HIM ABOUT HER. HE RESPONDED, "WE HAVE HAD A LONG DISTANCE THING FOR A WHILE NOW. I THINK I'M GOING TO END IT BECAUSE I'M UNHAPPY."
DISGUSTED BY HIS THOUGHT PROCESS - THAT USING ME TO DETERMINE IF HIS RELATIONSHIP WAS HOT ENOUGH FOR HIM - I CALLED HIM OUT ON BEING A HORRIBLE HUMAN. HE PROCEEDED TO BLOCK ME ON FACEBOOK, SNAPCHAT, INSTAGRAM, TWITTER, AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA. HE'S SHITTING HIS PANTS IN FEAR, DAILY, THAT I'M GOING TO SEND THE SCREENSHOTS OF HIS BAD BEHAVIOR TO HIS OBLIVIOUS GIRLFRIEND. I'LL KEEP HIM ON THE TOILET WITH NO TOILET PAPER.
CHEATING MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. IF YOU'RE CONSIDERING THE IDEA OF BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE, YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL. IT'S ONE THING TO BE IN A MUTUALLY "OPEN" RELATIONSHIP. IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TO RUIN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER'S TRUST IN RELATIONSHIPS - PERHAPS FOREVER - BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T GROW THE (LADY)BALLS TO END THE RELATIONSHIP.
HONESTY IS ALWAYS THE MOST IMPORTANT. IF YOU CHEATED AND REGRET IT, ADMIT IT. OTHERWISE JUST LEAVE AND DON'T COME BACK.
PERHAPS WORSE THAN BEING CHEATED ON IS BEING THE 'OTHER PERSON'. IT SENDS THE MESSAGE THAT WE AREN'T WORTH ANY TYPE OF COMMITMENT, JUST A FUN ONE-NIGHTER. BEING THE OTHER PERSON AUTOMATICALLY ENSNARES US INTO A WEB OF DRAMA THAT WE DIDN'T ASK FOR.
DO YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE A FAVOR AND EITHER BE LOYAL OR STAY SINGLE.