LATELY I'VE BEEN PRETTY PISSED. SHELBY IS, IN GENERAL, SIGNIFICANTLY WOUND UP.
I'M TWENTY-TWO YEARS OLD. I TURN TWENTY-THREE IN LESS THAN A WEEK. I AM SUCCESSFUL IN MY INDUSTRY. MY BOSS LOVES ME. SHE SENDS ME ABROAD MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE AT THE FIRM. SHE'S SENDING ME TO LAS VEGAS FOR MY TWENTY-THIRD. I MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO SUPPORT MYSELF AND GO OUT BINGE DRINKING WITHOUT MUCH HESITATION. EIGHT DOLLAR WHISKEY GINGERS NO LONGER BURN LASTING HOLES IN MY HERMES WALLET. I MOST LIKELY SINGLE-HANDEDLY SUPPORT THE ZARA IN FLATIRON FROM MY SHOPPING ADDICTIONS. IT IS NO LONGER A FINANCIAL STRUGGLE. I HAVE GOOD GIRLFRIENDS. THEY TYPE OF GIRLFRIENDS I WOULDN'T DITCH IF A GUY WANTED ME TO. YET I FEEL UNDESIREABLE. AND SO, I'M FUCKING PISSED.
I'M FUCKING PISSED BECAUSE I AM SURROUNDED BY - FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM - PUSSIES. I AM SURROUNDED BY PUSSIES. NOT THE VAGINA TYPE BUT INSTEAD THE HUMAN TYPE - WHICH IS INFINITELY WORSE. I'M LIVING MY LIFE ALONGSIDE COWARDS.
OVER THE YEARS I HAVE BEEN CALLED "CRAZY" AND SOMETIMES "BITCH" AND IF I'M PARTICULARLY LUCKY "CRAZY BITCH". I THINK THESE NAMES ARE MEANT TO BE DISTRACTIONS. DISTRACTIONS FROM THE FACT THAT (MOST) HUMANS ARE COWARDS.
I GET CALLED THESE VILE THINGS BECAUSE, UNLIKE MOST OF THE HUMAN RACE, I AM UNAPOLOGETICALLY HONEST AND STRAIGHT-FORWARD. I GET CALLED "HARSH" AND "RUDE" MORE OFTEN THAN I CAN COUNT. MY WORDS DO NOT COME FROM AN INTENTIONALLY CRUEL PLACE. IN FACT, MOST OF THE TIME, I'M TRYING TO BE HELPFUL. IF YOU DON'T WANT MY ADVICE OR OPINION, DON'T ASK FOR IT AND I'LL TRY NOT TO OFFER IT UNSOLICITED.
THIS DIRECTLY TRANSLATES INTO ME HAVING THE MOST COMPLICATED DATING LIFE EVER. IT MEANS I OFFEND 100% OF MY DATES, INTRIGUE 30% AND SCARE THE REST. UNTIL NOW, I HAVE FIGURED THAT PEOPLE JUST PREFER 'EASY'.
OUR GENERATION DISMISSES PEOPLE LIKE ME AS DISAGREEABLE. I GET IT. HONESTY CAN REALLY HURT. BUT HERE'S THE THING: OUTRAGEOUS PEOPLE LIKE ME CAN COMMIT TO THINGS. WE ADMIT TO THINGS THAT OTHER PEOPLE WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES OR CONSIDER 'DEEPEST DARKEST'. MY DEEPEST DARKEST SECRET CHANGES CONSTANTLY AND IS RARELY KEPT AN ACTUAL SECRET. I RARELY HIDE HOW I'M FEELING. I AM ENDLESSLY TRANSPARENT.
BEING A TRANSPARENT WOMAN IN THE THICKEST PART OF MODERN DATING IS INFURIATING. THIS IS BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GAME TO OUR GENERATION.
BEFORE YOU DENY, DENY, DENY, THINK OF THE LAST TIME YOU ASKED THE OPPOSITE SEX (OR SAME SEX IF YOU PREFER, NO JUDGMENT) ON A DATE. AN OFFICIAL DATE. IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO - IF EVER. THAT'S BECAUSE OUR GENERATION HAS ADOPTED THE TERM 'HANG OUT'. "DO YOU WANT TO HANG OUT" COULD MEAN GET DRINKS, GET DINNER, HAVE SEX, OR GET OUR TOES PAINTED THE SAME SHADE OF BUBBLE-BATH PINK AT ROXY LONG NAIL.
HANGING OUT WAS CREATED AS A WAY TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT. WHEN YOU HANG OUT, THERE IS NO DEFINITION TO THE ACT REGARDLESS OF EVENTS OCCURRED. IT'S COMPLETELY NON-COMMITTAL. AFTER ALL, YOU WERE JUST HANGING OUT!
LET'S SAY, WHILE YOU WERE HANGING OUT, YOU HAD SEX. TWO WEEKS LATER YOU STILL HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HIM. IF YOU WERE TO TEXT HIM AND CONFRONT THE SITUATION, YOU'D BE FUCKING CRAZY. DIDN'T YOU KNOW YOU GUYS WERE JUST HANGING OUT? WHY ARE YOU SO DESPERATE? NOTHING WAS OFFICIAL, THEREFORE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE OFFICIAL FEELINGS.
WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO FEEL - OR ADMIT TO FEELING - ANYTHING.
WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE FACE-TO-FACE CONFRONTATION BARELY EVER HAPPENS. IT'S A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TEXT MESSAGE, A NOTE ON THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR, A POST IT ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN. WE DON'T EVEN MAKE PHONE CALLS TO ARGUE ANYMORE, ALL THE DIRTY WORK IS DONE THROUGH IPHONE SCREENS.
IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE, YOU RESORT TO LIKING THEIR SELFIES ON INSTAGRAM. YOU DON'T DARE TELL THEM, THAT COULD FREAK THEM OUT AND MAKE YOU SEEM CLINGY. YOU JUST TRY TO THROW SUBTLE HINTS OUT INTO THE UNIVERSE AND HOPE THEY PICK UP THE CHEERIOS IN THE FOREST.
YOU DON'T ASK THEM ON DATES. YOU DON'T DOUBLE TEXT. YOU DON'T MAKE PHONE CALLS. YOU DON'T COMMENT ON THEIR INSTAGRAMS. YOU DO NOTHING TO SEEM LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY INTERESTED. YOU FLOAT IN THE POND OF MEDIOCRE. EVERYTHING IS MATHEMATICALLY CALCULATED TO APPEAR THOUGHTLESS. THE IDEA OF COMMITTING TO ANYTHING, ANY FEELING, OR ANYONE MAKES OUR GENERATION PRACTICALLY SHIT THEMSELVES.
I THOUGHT MY EDUCATION WOULD BE THE MOST EXHAUSTING PART OF MY LIFE. IT TURNS OUT, DATING IS THE MOST EXHAUSTING PART OF MY LIFE. I HAVE TO PLAY THESE GAMES WITH THE MALE GENDER TO BE AVAILABLE BUT NOT TOO EAGER AND ALSO A MYSTERY - FUCK THAT. I AM WHO I AM. I'M TRANSPARENT AND ECCENTRIC AND VULNERABLE AND PASSIONATE. I SPEAK MY MIND, I GET WHAT I WANT BECAUSE I HAVE THE LADY BALLS TO ASK FOR IT. DOES THIS INTIMIDATE YOU? PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WALK TO THE CLOSEST EXIT BEHIND YOU.
I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF GUESSING. I'M SO TIRED OF WONDERING IF MY CASUAL HOOK-UP HAS FEELINGS FOR ME. I'M TIRED OF ANALYZING TEXT MESSAGES AND SCREEN-SHOTTING MY FRIENDS CONVERSATIONS ASKING, "DOES THIS SEEM LIKE A DATE TO YOU?"
WHY DOES LIKING YOU MAKE ME CRAZY? WHY DOES WANTING TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER MAKE ME CLINGY? WHY DOES STATING MY FEELINGS FOR YOU SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU? WHY IS OUR GENERATION SO SCARED OF FEELING THINGS? WHY ARE YOU ALL SO AFRAID OF FALLING IN LOVE, AND BEING PASSIONATE? WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST STATE WHAT WE WANT, WHEN WE WANT IT? WHY IS EVERYTHING GAME OF CALCULATED MOVES? WHY DO WE MAKE EVERYTHING SO DAMN DIFFICULT? WHY DO WE LET OURSELVES SEEM HEARTLESS?