THINGS HAVE BEEN WEIRD LATELY. THE SEASONS HAVE CHANGED AND INSTEAD OF SEASONAL DEPRESSION I’M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO GET INTO TROUBLE.
THE BEST WAY TO GET INTO TROUBLE IS TO EXPAND YOUR SOCIAL PLANS TO OUTSIDE OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. THE BEST WAY TO SMOOTHLY ACHIEVE FUN OUTSIDE OF YOUR PERSONAL COMFORT ZONE IS BY GETTING DRUNK. THE BEST DRINK TO HAVE IS SOMETHING THAT GOES DOWN LIKE APPLE JUICE AND SLAMS INTO YOUR LIVER IMMEDIATELY. GOOD BARS HAVE THE ALCOHOL CONTENT LISTED ON THEIR BEER MENU.
I LEANED OVER THE EXTENSIVE CONCRETE BAR AND ORDERED A NINE PINS CIDER. IT ALWAYS FEELS LIKE THE PUSSY WAY OUT OF DRINKING 'BEER' AND I AM ENDLESSLY EMBARRASSED BY ORDERING CIDERS. HOWEVER, IN THE END YOU HAVE TO FIND A SIMPLE DRINK THAT WORKS FOR YOU.
MY PROBLEM WITH CIDER IS THAT IT TASTES LIKE JUICE. THIS IS BOTH EXTREMELY BENEFICIAL TO MY DRUNKEN STATE AND EXTREMELY INCONVENIENT TO MY WALLET. THE DEEPER I GET INTO DRINKING CIDER, THE MORE THE CIDER TASTES LIKE JUICE, THE MORE I CAN INHALE INTO MY EAGER MOUTH. EVENTUALLY, I'M NOT SURE HOW MANY I'VE ORDERED - I JUST KNOW THE BARTENDER BRINGS IT MY WAITING HAND WITHOUT DISCUSSION.
THE VENUE IS DARK AND INTIMATE. THERE ARE LEATHER COUCHES FLANKED BY WALNUT TABLES. THERE IS A SHELF FULL OF BOARD GAMES AND A COUPLE PLAYING JENGA WITH BRICK- SIZED BLOCKS. SOME MAN IS HOLDING MINIATURE BAKED BY MELISSA CUPCAKES. THE VENUE BECOMES STRANGER AND STRANGER AS TIME PASSES. WHAT APPEARS TO BE FREE ALCOHOL ENDS UP BEING FREE CAPPUCCINOS. THERE ARE FREE SRIRACHA FLAVORED CHIPS ON THE TABLES AND I'M SCOOPING THEM INTO MY MOUTH, REALIZING THAT I NEVER ATE DINNER. I ORDER ANOTHER DRINK.
WE ARE HERE TO SEE A COOL BEACH-Y ROCK BAND PLAY LATER IN THE EVENING. THE CROWD IS FULL OF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE AND IT IS EASY TO FEEL SELF CONSCIOUS.
MY FRIENDS AND I DISCOVER THE OUTDOOR SPACE IN THE REAR WHERE EVERYONE HUDDLES AROUND CHAIN SMOKING. MY FRIENDS AND I JOIN THE SMELLY CROWD AND DIVE INTO DEEP, DEEP INTO THE TYPE OF DRUNK CONVERSATION ONLY BEST FRIENDS FEEL COMFORTABLE HOLDING IN PUBLIC. WE ACCIDENTALLY BURN EACH OTHER WITH CIGARETTES AND DECIDE IT’S TIME TO DELVE INTO THE LIVE MUSIC. WE SQUEEZE INTO THE CROWD, ENDING UP IN THE VERY FRONT. I'M MAGNETICALLY ATTRACTED TO THE LONG HAIRED BASSIST.
SOME GIRL NEXT TO ME ASKS ME IF I'M PLAYING TONIGHT. I'M FLATTERED BY THE IDEA THAT I'D BE COOL ENOUGH TO BE IN A BAND SO I ORDER ANOTHER DRINK. I DECIDE I WANT SEX.
I AM SO GUILTY OF DRUNK TEXTING. I HAVE A HANDFUL OF PREVIOUS FLINGS THAT DRUNK TEXT RELIGIOUSLY. I RECEIVE AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE FROM MY EX-COWORKER WHO LIVED NEXT DOOR TO ME IN WILLIAMSBURG LAST SUMMER.
HE HAS A CAR. HE SAYS HE'LL COME PICK ME UP. I'M MOVING TO THE DOOR AND SAYING GOODBYE TO MY FRIENDS FASTER THAN MY DOG WHEN SHE HEARS THE WORD 'TREAT'.
MY PHONE DIES IN MY HAND THE MOMENT HE PULLS UP IN HIS CAR. IT LOOKS LIKE A 1990 FORD COUNTRY SQUIRE STATION WAGON IN TRUCK FORM. I'M NOT SURE WHAT KIND OF CAR IT IS, BUT I'M SURE THAT I'M GOING TO THROW UP IN IT.
I SMILE AT HIM. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE SAYING, I'M JUST SLOPPILY KISSING HIS FACE. WE MAKE IT APPROXIMATELY ONE BLOCK AWAY BEFORE HE NOTICES THAT I'M ON THE VERGE OF PASSING OUT SITTING UP. HE PULLS HIS CAR OVER, LEAVES THE KEYS IN THE IGNITION AND RUNS INTO THE BODEGA FOR WATER. I POKE MY HEAD OUT THE WINDOW. IT'S NICE OUT - THERE IS A COOL BREEZE. I SMILE AT THE BLONDE WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND IMMEDIATELY VOMIT OUT THE WINDOW - TWICE.
I SIT UP STRAIGHT. I FEEL BETTER. I FEEL LOADS BETTER. I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE OKAY! HE COMES RUNNING BACK AND SWINGS OPEN THE CAR DOOR, HANDING ME A LITER OF WATER. I GIGGLE AT THE GIANT BOTTLE BEFORE DRINKING THE WHOLE THING.
WE MAKE IT TO MY STREET BY SOME KIND OF MAGIC. WE PULL UP OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT. HE TELLS ME HE'S GOING TO DROP ME OFF AND GO HOME SINCE I AM CLEARLY VERY INTOXICATED. DRUNK ME TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM, SILENTLY SIZING HIM UP.
"YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX?" I ASK.
"TRUST ME, I DO." HE ANSWERS, "ARE YOU OKAY THOUGH?
"YEAH I'M FINE." I SAY, AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT. I OPEN HIS CAR DOOR AND WALK ACROSS THE STREET, LITER OF WATER IN HAND. HE FOLLOWS. I MANAGE TO UNLOCK MY APARTMENT DOOR AND OFFER HIM A GLASS OF WATER AND WEED. HE DENIES BOTH, AND WE ARE KISSING AGAIN.
I FEEL INCREDIBLY SLOPPY. THE KIND OF SLOPPY THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE SPAGHETTI ON THE STOVE AND IT FLINGS RED SAUCE ALL OVER THE WALLS. MY BODY IS HEAVY AND I'M MAKING OUT WITH HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE. I LET MYSELF SINK INTO MY BED, NOT TAKING CHARGE AT ALL.
THE BAD THING ABOUT CASUAL SEX IS THAT I DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO PLEASE THE OTHER PERSON. WHEN I REALLY LIKE SOMEONE, I'M GREAT IN BED BECAUSE I WANT TO PLEASE THEM. WHEN I REQUEST CASUAL SEX, I'M ONLY LOOKING TO RECEIVE. I THINK HE REALIZES THIS BUT HE DOESN'T APPEAR TO CARE.
WE HAVE SEX. MY VAGINA HURTS.
SEX IS SO PARTICULAR. THERE IS GOOD SEX AND BAD SEX AND EVERYTHING IN-BETWEEN. THE HARD PART OF "GETTING GOOD AT SEX" IS BEING ABLE TO GAUGE YOUR PARTNER'S DESIRES. THE MOST FUN PART OF SEX IS FINDING WHAT MAKES THE OTHER PERSON LOSE THEIR MIND IN PLEASURE.
AS A GENERAL STATEMENT, PEOPLE DON'T PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION TO WHAT INDIVIDUAL ACTIONS MAKE THEIR PARTNERS GET OFF. WHAT IS MISUNDERSTOOD IS THAT SEX IS NOT ALL ABOUT FINISHING. I'VE HAD GREAT ORGASMS, AND ORGASMS THAT FELT SIMILAR TO THE RELIEF OF PEEING AFTER DRINKING MY ICED COFFEE. WHICH TYPE OF ORGASM WOULD YOU LIKE TO PROVIDE YOUR PARTNER?
I KNOW THAT I HAVE A CRUSH ON A MAN WHEN I TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN WHAT MAKES HIM TICK. IN SOME CASES, PEOPLE HAVEN’T EVEN DISCOVERED THINGS THAT THEY LIKE YET. THERE ARE SO MANY POSSIBILITIES AND SO MANY TIMID PEOPLE THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TRY ALL OF THE OPTIONS OUT THERE.TO GET RIGHT TO THE POINT - THE EASIEST WAY TO PLEASE SOMEONE IS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER TO VOCALIZE WHAT THEY LIKE.
ANSWERING WHAT YOU LIKE SEXUALLY CAN BE THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD WHEN YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH SOMEONE. HOWEVER, TELLING SOMEONE YOU ARE CASUALLY SLEEPING WITH HAVE YET TO OPEN UP TO MENTALLY HOW YOU PREFER FOREPLAY ISN'T EASY. PEOPLE EXIST ON MANY DIFFERENT WAVELENGTHS AND PLEASURE VARIES FOR EVERYONE.
ONE MAN THAT I WAS SEEING COULDN'T GET OFF UNLESS BLOWJOBS WERE SO EXTREMELY GENTLE I WONDERED IF IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR ME TO LITERALLY BLOW AIR FROM MY MOUTH ONTO HIS PENIS. ANOTHER GUY I WAS SEEING ACTED LIKE HE COULDN'T FEEL A DAMN THING UNLESS YOU PRACTICALLY YANKED HIS PENIS FROM HIS PELVIS. WITH ALL OF THIS CONTRADICTING INFORMATION, HOW ARE YOU TO COME UP WITH A SEXUAL 'STANDARD' TO KEEP WHEN SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE NEW? IS THE FIRST TIME A DECIDING FACTOR FOR HOW SUCCESSFUL YOUR SEX LIFE WITH A SPECIFIC PERSON WILL BE?
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THIS MAN IS TOO ROUGH WITH MY BODY. I HAD TO TELL HIM TO BE GENTLER (MORE GENTLE?) THREE TIMES. MY VAGINA WAS SWOLLEN AFTER HOOKING UP WITH HIM. THAT'S BECAUSE HE LIKES ME TO BE SUPER ROUGH WITH HIM. REFLECTING YOUR PREFERENCES ONTO SOMEONE ELSE ISN'T GOING TO MAKE THEM CUM. PAYING UNIQUE ATTENTION TO PERSONAL PREFERENCES IS THE ONLY WAY TO ACHIEVE A SUCCESSFUL END RESULT.
MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE I REALLY LIKE FOR THE FIRST TIME IS EXPLORING THEIR BODY. LEARNING HOW TO KISS AND TOUCH SOMEONE THE WAY THEY ENJOY - BOTH FROM A SEXUAL STANDPOINT AND FROM A NON-SEXUAL STANDPOINT - IS CRUCIAL. FOR THE MOST PART, WE ALL LOVE TO BE KISSED ON THE LIPS AND THE NECK. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SMALL OF YOUR BACK? OR YOUR COLLAR BONES? WHAT ABOUT APPLIED PRESSURE AROUND YOUR WRISTS? YOUR NECK?
INTIMACY DIFFERS FOR EVERYONE. THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF INTIMACY. - YOUR PERSONAL CLOSENESS WITH ANOTHER HUMAN. INTIMACY CAN BE IMMEDIATE, OR IT CAN TAKE A LONG TIME.
PERHAPS THE REASON BAD SEX EXISTS AT ALL IS BECAUSE WE DON'T SPEND ENOUGH TIME LISTENING TO EACH OTHERS BODIES AND VOCAL DESIRES.