CAT FISH - SNAKE TONGUE

I STOOD IN FRONT OF MY 8 FOOT TALL FRAME-LESS IKEA MIRROR AND CONVINCED MYSELF THAT YOU REALLY COULDN’T TELL I WASN’T WEARING A BRA. I HAD DONE MY MAKEUP PERFECTLY, BUT I KNEW AS SOON AS I STEPPED OUTSIDE INTO THE BROOKLYN SUMMER STANK I WOULD SWEAT IT ALL OFF. I WAS WEARING BLUE JEAN OVERALLS THAT I HAD CUT MYSELF TO BE MORE FLATTERING FOR MY BODY TYPE. I HAD BOYCOTTED THE BRA. THE JUMPER WAS DEEP CUT DOWN MY BACK AND A HORIZONTAL THICK BRA BAND WOULD RUIN THE APPEAL – SO I KEPT IT OFF. I WAS FEELING POWERFUL, LIKE NO BRA SOMEHOW MADE ME STRONGER - LESS SUSCEPTIBLE TO BULLSHIT. 

I HAD DECIDED THAT I WAS GOING TO TRY DATING AGAIN. I HAD TAKEN A COUPLE MONTHS HIATUS AFTER BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY A GUY WITH AN ON-AGAIN OFF-AGAIN GIRLFRIEND. TO BE HONEST, I WASN’T HURT – I WAS JUST REALLY FUCKING TIRED. TIRED OF PUTTING IN THE EFFORT. TIRED OF THE SMALL TALK. JUST – TIRED. DATING IS EXHAUSTING.

I ACCEPTED A DATE WITH A MAN. A MAN I INVENTED IN MY OWN HEAD TO BE TALL AND BURLY, LIKE A SEXUAL CONSTRUCTION WORKER OR LUMBERJACK. HIS NAME SHOULD’VE BEEN SHORT FOR A LONGER, MORE PROFESSIONAL NAME BUT INSTEAD IT JUST EXISTED – SAM. SAM SPENT THE DAY WORKING WITH HIS HANDS, BUILDING FURNITURE. I PICTURED A TOUGHER AIDEN FROM SEX AND THE CITY. IT WASN’T MY USUAL TYPE – BUT MY USUAL TYPE WASN’T WORKING SO WELL FOR ME - SO I DECIDED TO GIVE SAM A CHANCE.

WE SAID WE WOULD MEET AT THE CORNER OF STOCKHOLM AND KNICKERBOCKER. I WAS EARLY. I STOOD LEANING AGAINST THE CORNER OF A STORE AND WATCHED THE PINK CLOUDS DISSIPATE SLOWLY, CHECKING MY WATCH IMPATIENTLY.

THERE WAS A TAP ON MY SHOULDER AND I MENTALLY PREPARED MYSELF TO SMILE. “STAND UP TALL AND SMILE PRETTY” MY FATHER ALWAYS TOLD ME. I RELAXED MY FACIAL MUSCLES AND TURNED TO MEET SAM.

TO SAY I WAS DISAPPOINTED WOULD BE A SEVERE UNDERSTATEMENT. I'D BEEN CAT-FISHED. MEN HAD LIED TO ME ABOUT THEIR HEIGHT IN THE PAST, AND IT APPEARED THAT THEY WEREN’T DONE LYING YET. THE RULER OF THE UNIVERSE MUST FIND IT FUNNY TO PRESENT ME WITH THE OPPOSITE OF EXPECTED.

SAM WAS MAYBE FIVE FOOT FOUR – AT LEAST AN INCH SHORTER THAN ME – AND WE WERE MATCHING. HIS BLACK OVERALLS WERE STRETCHED ACROSS HIS BROAD CHEST MORE TIGHTLY THAN MY OVERALLS WERE STRETCHED ACROSS MY DDD BRALESS CHEST. HE HAD ROLLED HIS OVERALLS UP TO THE BASE OF HIS KNEECAPS, FOLDING THEM INTO CUFFS THAT APPEARED TO BE CUTTING OFF THE CIRCULATION TO HIS EXTREMELY TIGHTLY LACED RED CONVERSE. HE WAS COVERED IN COLORFUL TATTOOS FROM THE NECK DOWN – WHICH I NORMALLY FIND TO BE A PANTRY DROPPER - EXCEPT WITH SAM. HIS BEARD REACHED HIS BARREL CHEST AND HIS GAUGES SAGGED LIKE A GRANDMOTHERS BREASTS.

MY HEART STARTED RACING. I WAS A BITCH. I WAS AN ASSHOLE. I HAD TO LEAVE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT. I HAD TO RUN. I COULDN’T POSSIBLY EVER BE ATTRACTED TO THIS MAN. I FROZE.

SAM PULLED ME IN TO AN EXTREMELY TIGHT HUG WHICH SMUSHED MY BOOBS AGAINST THE SAFETY PIN THAT PENETRATED HIS BREAST POCKET. I FELT MY ARMS STIFFEN AT MY WAIST AND I CONTEMPLATED HOW I COULD POSSIBLY ESCAPE. HOW DO I FAKE DEATH?

SAM TOOK OFF DOWN THE STREET, LEADING ME TO A BAR HE SAID WE WOULD “START OUT OUR EVENING AT”. I OOGLED AT HIM LIKE A DEER IN HEAD LIGHTS. START OUT? HE THOUGHT WE WOULD BE BAR HOPPING? I LOOKED AROUND FOR AN EXIT FRANTICALLY AND FOUND NO WAY OUT. SAM WAS SHOVING HIS HANDS DEEP INTO HIS OVERALL POCKETS AND PUFFING HIS CHEST OUT IN AN ATTEMPT TO LOOK LARGER. I STARED INTENTLY AT THE GUM-LITTERED SIDEWALK AND HURRIED ALONG. HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF, HAVING YET TO ASK ME HOW I WAS DOING OR WHERE I WANTED TO GO.

SAM WAS ON A PLANET ALL HIS OWN. HE WAS RUSHING DOWN THE STREET AS IF TO PUT OUT AN INVISIBLE FIRE. I WAS PRACTICALLY RUNNING AFTER HIM WHEN I WISH I HAD BEEN RUNNING AWAY. HE LED ME TO BOOTLEG – A HOLE IN THE WALL BAR THAT WAS DARK AND DINGY ON THE CORNER OF WYCOFF. I WELCOMED THE DARKNESS. I COULD HIDE. I MIGHT EVEN BE ABLE TO SNEAK INTO A CORNER AND DISAPPEAR!

SAM PLOPPED DOWN ON A BARSTOOL AND ORDERED A BEER AND A SHOT. I VOMITED IN MY MOUTH BEFORE ORDERING A WHISKEY GINGER. I WAS GOING TO NEED TO GET DRUNK FOR THIS. WHILE SAM WAS ORDERING MY DRINK, I SLIPPED MY PHONE INTO MY LAP AND TEXTED A GUY WHO HAD ASKED ME FOR DRINKS THIS EXACT NIGHT – WHOM I HAD REQUESTED A RAIN CHECK FROM.

“HEY, PLANS CHANGED – WANT TO MEET IN AN HOUR?” I EXPERTLY TEXTED WITHOUT GLANCING AT THE SCREEN. SENT.

“AN HOUR? YEAH. WHERE?” HE REPLIED IN RECORD TIMING. SAM WAS WATCHING ME SUSPICIOUSLY.

“THREE DIAMOND DOOR, BUSHWICK.” I REPLIED AND SHOVED MY PHONE BETWEEN MY LEGS BEFORE PULLING THE HARD LIQUOR TO MY LIPS.

SAM WAS STILL TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF. I HAD YET TO ASK HIM ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT HIMSELF BECAUSE QUITE FRANKLY – I WASN’T INTERESTED. BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP HIM. I WAS TUNING HIM OUT, GULPING WHISKEY AND GRIPPING MY THIGH IN SUBLIME SECOND-HAND EMBARRASSMENT WHEN I NOTICED IT – SAMS TONGUE WAS SLIT DIRECTLY DOWN THE MIDDLE, SLIPPING OUT OF HIS MOUTH LIKE THE SLUGS RON WEASLEY VOMITTED UP. I FROZE IN AWE FOR THE SECOND TIME THAT NIGHT.

“IS YOUR TONGUE CUT?” I ASKED STUPIDLY.

“OH, THIS?” HE TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO STICK HIS TONGUE OUT, MOVING BOTH ENTITIES ON THEIR OWN LIKE A TWO HEADED SNAKE ATTACKING ITS PREY. I HAD NO TIME FOR MANNERS.

“WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO DO THAT?” I QUESTIONED, SETTING MY EMPTY GLASS ON THE BAR TOP.

“I JUST COULDN’T GO THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IT FELT LIKE.” HE SMILED SMUGLY, “I COULDN’T TALK FOR TWO WEEKS AFTER I HAD THE PROCEDURE DONE. IT WAS OBTUSELY PAINFUL.”

“TO EACH THEIR OWN.” I GROANED INTERNALLY. I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE EATEN OUT BY A SPLIT TONGUE – COMPLETELY INVOLUNTARILY. WHAT WOMAN WOULDN’T WONDER?

“THAT’S NOT ALL.” HE REPLIED, “I HAD A MAGNET SURGICALLY INSERTED INTO MY FINGER A FEW YEARS BACK.”

“EXCUSE ME?”

TO MY HORROR HE CALLED THE BARTENDER OVER.

“DO YOU HAVE A SAFETY PIN?” HE ASKED.

“NO.” THE BARTENDER LOOKED AT SAM THROUGH HALF-CLOSED EYES.

“OH! I HAVE ONE.” SAM GRABBED AT THE SAFETY PIN ON HIS BREAST POCKET AND PLACED IT ON THE WALNUT BAR TOP. HE HOVERED HIS HAND OVER THE METAL WHICH IMMEDIATELY SUCTIONED ITSELF TO HIS WAITING HAND. IT HUNG FROM HIS HAND LIKE A BAT HANGING FROM A BRANCH AND I WILLED MYSELF NOT TO LAUGH. I COULD NOT OFFER THIS MAN ANY FORM OF AMUSEMENT.

“IT’S GIVEN ME A SIXTH SENSE.” HE WAS SAYING, “I CAN FEEL CURRENTS. I CAN FEEL WHEN A TRAIN IS PASSING BY.”

“YEAH, SO CAN ALL OF NEW YORK.” I GRUMBLED IN REPLY.

“IT’S MORE THAN THAT.” HE CONTINUED HIS STORY OF MAGNETISM AND THE AFFECT UPON HIS BLOOD STREAM. I HAD PULLED OUT MY PHONE, CHECKING THE TIME.

“OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU. I HAVE TO MEET A FRIEND WHO IS VISITING FROM OUT OF TOWN SOON.” I WAS CARELESS IN DELIVERY AND I COULD SEE HE WAS HURT, “I’M SORRY, IT’S LAST MINUTE.” I FINISHED. IT WASN’T A COMPLETE LIE. MY “FRIEND” HAD JUST MOVED TO THE CITY FROM GEORGIA. I WASN’T SURE IF IT WAS A DATE DISGUISED AS “HANGING OUT”, OR TRULY JUST FRIENDS LINKING UP AFTER A FEW YEARS APART.

“I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T A BIG DRINKER.” HE RETORTED.

FUCK. HE CAUGHT ME. IN ATTEMPT TO DITCH THE DATE EARLY I HAD TOLD HIM I WASN’T A FAN OF ALCOHOL.

“WHAT ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TAKE A FRIEND TO DO ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?” I REPLIED CASUALLY. HE ORDERED ANOTHER BEER AND ANOTHER SHOT. I THINK THAT MADE 3 SHOTS AND 3 BEERS SO FAR TONIGHT. I COULD PRACTICALLY HEAR MY WATCH TICKING, BEGGING ME TO LEAVE.

I BROUGHT UP MY “OUT-OF-TOWN” FRIEND THREE MORE TIMES BEFORE I STOOD UP IN DEFIANCE.

“I REALLY SHOULD GO.” I FLATTENED OUT MY OVERALLS AND TURNED TO LEAVE.

“I’LL WALK TO YOU.”

“AH, I’M GOING TO GO HOME AND GRAB A SWEATER.” I SMILED CLOSE-LIPPED. I DIDN’T WANT HIM TO SEE THAT I WAS MEETING ANOTHER MAN – AND I DEFINITELY DIDN’T WANT THE OTHER GUY SEEING THAT I HAD BEEN WITH SAM.

“I’LL WALK YOU HOME THEN.” HE STATED, DESPERATE.

“OKAY.” I HAD GIVEN UP. WE WALKED IN SILENCE TO MY STREET, WHERE THE PUERTO RICAN CHILDREN RAN THROUGH EXPLODING FIRE HYDRANTS SQUEALING WITH GLEE. I FELT THE TEENAGERS EYES ON ME AND SAM. I WAS MORTIFIED. I COULD FEEL THEIR LAUGHTER IN MY MUSCLES. I TWITCHED.

“THIS IS ME.” I STOOD AT MY STOOP.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?” SAM ASKED, NOSILY.

“I THINK I’M GOING TO SEE FINDING DORI.” I LIED EXPERTLY. I HAD NO INTENTION OF PAYING TO SEE FINDING DORI.

“IS THAT GOING TO TAKE ALL DAY? OR CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?” HE ASKED.

I STOOD IN STUNNED SILENCE. THE ENTIRE DATE HE TALKED ABOUT HIMSELF AND I WAS VERY RUDE. HE WANTED TO TAKE ME OUT AGAIN? I FELT A PANICKED BOOB SWEAT COMING ON.

“AH, I DON’T KNOW.” I GLANCED BACK AT MY FRONT DOOR.

“CAN I AT LEAST HUG YOU?” HE STRETCHED HIS STUBBY ARMS OUT WIDE.

 

I DIDN'T GO ON A BLIND DATE AGAIN FOR FOUR MONTHS. 

THANKS, SAM.