THE BEGINNING

I SPENT THIS MORNING AT BRUNCH AT A PLACE IN BROOKLYN CALLED HAREFIELD ROAD WITH MY FRIEND ALLIE. WE GRADUATED COLLEGE TOGETHER BUT HAVE BEEN ON DIFFERENT TRACKS WITH OUR LIVES WHICH RESULTED IN US NOT SEEING EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE. THE BEST THING ABOUT FRIENDS FROM COLLEGE IS THAT THEY’VE SEEN YOU AT YOUR ABSOLUTE LOWEST AND STILL LOVE YOU. ALLIE HAD SEEN ME AT MY ABSOLUTE WORST. IMAGINE AN OVER-SEXUAL EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD WITH NO PARENTS AND NO RULES JUST PARTYING IN NEW YORK CITY.

I DID SOME SHIT MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE THAT COULD HAVE GOTTEN ME RAPED. I DID SOME SHIT MY FRESHMAN YEAR THAT I WAS LITERALLY LUCKY TO GET OUT OF ALIVE.

AT EIGHTEEN IN MANHATTAN, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU HAVE A FAKE ID OR NOT. IF YOU HAVE HUGE BOOBS AND SIX INCH HEELS, YOU’RE GETTING IN AT ANY CLUB YOU WANT.

NOT ONLY ARE YOU GETTING INTO ANY CLUB YOU WANT, BUT YOU’RE GETTING FREE BOTTLE SERVICE ALL NIGHT WITH YOUR BEST GIRLFRIENDS.

THE FIRST CLUB I WENT TO WAS IN CHELSEA. I WAS WEARING A LEOPARD PRINT FOREVER 21 DRESS (????) AND RED NINE WEST HEELS. I THOUGHT I WAS HOT SHIT.

WE WENT OUT WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER FRESHMAN THAT I HAVEN'T SPOKEN WITH SINCE. COLLEGE IS WEIRD LIKE THAT - YOU MAKE MEMORIES WITH THE MOST RANDOM PEOPLE THE FIRST COUPLE OF WEEKS AND THEN TRY SUPER HARD TO NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THEM AGAIN. I MADE OUT WITH A BOY THAT I THEN BECAME OBSESSED WITH FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.  I LATER LEARNED HE TOLD EVERYONE THAT HE PUT HIS FINGER IN MY BUTT HOLE WHILE WE WERE DANCING - WHICH DEFINITELY DIDN’T HAPPEN, I WOULD’VE HOPED TO HAVE FELT IT.

I MADE SOME REALLY DUMB CHOICES IN COLLEGE. I WAS PROBABLY THE STUPIDEST GIRL ON THE PLANET AND EVERYDAY I’M THANKFUL THAT NOTHING HORRIBLE HAPPENED.

I WENT OUT WITH MY TWO GIRLFRIENDS TO AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB UPTOWN. WE KNEW THE DJ SO WE GOT IN WITH REALLY BAD FAKE IDS. I WAS FROM GREEN BAY, RHODE ISLAND (NOT EVEN A REAL FUCKING PLACE! THANKS ID DUDE!!) AND MY HEAD WAS CROPPED INTO A TRIANGLE SHAPE THAT WAS TRULY DISCOMFORTING TO LOOK AT.

WE GOT WASTED TO SAY THE LEAST. THERE WERE A GROUP OF ARMY MEN THERE THAT I HAD CONVINCED I WAS TWENTY-TWO AND WE HAD BEEN DRINKING THEIR ALCOHOL ALL NIGHT.

I GOT SO WASTED I ENDED UP SITTING ON MY AIR FORCE BOY’S LAP IN PUBLIC AND MAKING OUT WITH HIM. HE WAS TWENTY SEVEN AND I WAS EIGHTEEN. HE TOOK ME BACK TO HIS HOTEL ROOM IN SOHO - SOMETHING THAT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED TO. THE SCARIER PART IS THAT THERE WERE FIVE TWENTY-SEVEN YEAR OLDS STAYING IN THE SAME HOTEL ROOM TOGETHER. I DON'T KNOW WHY "ORGY" OR "GANG RAPE" DIDN'T REGISTER IN MY MIND, BUT THEN AGAIN, I WAS A COMPLETE DUMB-ASS.

I WAS STILL A VIRGIN.

MY AIR FORCE BOY AND I MADE OUT FOR A FEW HOURS. I REMEMBER THAT HE FINGERED ME PRETTY WELL AND I KNEW HE WAS EXPERIENCED. HE HAD A HUGE PENIS, TOO. HE ASKED ME TO HAVE SEX. I SAID NO, I WAS A VIRGIN. HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE AN ALIEN BUT STATED THAT HE RESPECTED THAT. HE SETTLED FOR HEAD AND AFTER HE CAME WE WENT TO BED.

THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP IN SOHO IN THE ARMS OF A HUGE GUY I WAS SURE WASN’T AS CUTE AS I HAD THOUGHT HE WAS. 

WE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS SLEPT. I HAD TOLD HIM THAT I HATED KISSING IN THE MORNING BEFORE MY TEETH WERE BRUSHED, SO HE FOLLOWED ME AND WE BRUSHED THEM TOGETHER. HE STOOD BEHIND ME AND HIS DICK WAS PRESSED AGAINST BY BUTT CHEEKS WHICH I DIDN’T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT TO FIND ATTRACTIVE. I WAS MOSTLY JUST INTIMIDATED.

AFTER WE BOTH SPIT HE TOOK MY PJ’S OFF AND TURNED ME AROUND TO FACE THE FLOOR LENGTH MIRROR. HE STOOD BEHIND ME BUT DIDN’T TOUCH ME.

“LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.” HE HAD SAID.

I WEIGHED 119 POUNDS AS A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE - SOMETHING THAT I WILL NEVER EVER ACHIEVE AGAIN - AND WAS TOTALLY COMFORTABLE BEING NAKED. I HAD PLAYED SOCCER AND TENNIS SINCE A YOUNG AGE AND I KNEW I WAS FIT AS FUCK (GOD, I AM SO JEALOUS OF MY EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD SELF). EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS NOW IS UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. I WENT HOME TO WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE AND ENDED UP WITH A GUY TELLING ME TO LOOK AT MYSELF NAKED AND APPRECIATE IT. I REMEMBER BRUSHING OFF THE MOMENT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. LIKE IT WAS NORMAL FOR SOMEONE TO INSTRUCT YOU TO TAKE A MOMENT AND ACTUALLY LOOK AT HOW FUCKING AWESOME YOU LOOK NAKED. I WISH I HAD LOOKED HARDER SO THAT I COULD REMEMBER HOW IT FELT.

AFTER A LONG AWKWARD PAUSE HE TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES TOO. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD EVER SEEN A "MAN" NAKED. HE WASN'T SCRAWNY AND SKINNY WITH PATCHES OF HAIR ACROSS HIS CHEST, NO. HE WAS HUGE AND MUSCULAR AND COVERED IN HAIR. I WAS SLIGHTLY DISGUSTED BY HOW HAIRY HE WAS. I'M NOT JOKING WHEN I SAY THAT HIS ENTIRE ASS WAS HAIR. I HAVE YET TO MEET ANYONE THAT HAIRY SINCE.

WE TOOK A SHOWER TOGETHER. I WAS SO INNOCENT SEXUALLY THAT I DIDN'T TOUCH HIS DICK THE WHOLE TIME - EVEN THOUGH HE WAS HARD AND PRACTICALLY STARING ME IN THE FACE. 

AFTER MY SHOWER I REALIZED WHAT A DUMB-ASS I WAS. MY HAIR WAS WET - WHICH DRIES CURLY AND FRIZZY - AND I NEEDED TO GO HOME IMMEDIATELY. THE AIR FORCE BOY TOOK ME HOME IN A CAB TO MY FRESHMAN DORM ROOM AND WALKED ME TO THE DOOR BEFORE SAYING GOODBYE.

HE’S MARRIED NOW.

 

ALLIE ALSO WATCHED ME SIT ON A BOYS LAP AT HALLOWEEN - DRESSED UP AS KE$HA IN TINY JEAN SHORTS, A LEATHER JACKET, FISHNETS AND GO-GO BOOTS. WE HAD BEEN PRACTICALLY DRY HUMPING AT THE CLUB AND I HAD MYSTERIOUSLY BROKEN BOTH OF MY SHOES. WE TOOK A CAB HOME AND I NOTICED THAT HIS JACKET WAS WORTH OVER 5,000 DOLLARS. I REFUSED TO PITCH IN ON PAYING FOR THE CAB.

HE WAS ALSO A FRESHMAN AT MY COLLEGE - AND FUCKING WEIRD. HE WAS TALL - OVER SIX FOOT TWO - AND AFRICAN AMERICAN. HE HAD KIND OF A BABY FACE AND A SUPER DOUCHE-Y ATTITUDE THAT AT THE TIME I WAS UNABLE TO RESIST. WHEN WE WERE DRUNK HE TOLD ME HE WANTED ME TO MEET HIS FAMILY.

BACK AT HIS DORM ROOM WE MADE OUT FOR AN HOUR OR SO UNTIL MY LIPS WERE RAW. MEN TEND TO THINK  - IN ALL CASES - THE WETTER THE BETTER. (NOT ALWAYS THE CASE BOYS).NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED AND I REFUSED TO DISCOVER HOW BIG HIS DICK WAS.

THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP TO HIS OBNOXIOUS SNORING. I SNUCK OUT OF HIS ROOM INSANELY HUNGOVER GRABBING AT THE TRAIN OF KE$HA CLOTHES STREWN ALL OVER THE ROOM. WHEN I GOT TO MY ROOM ONE FLOOR BELOW I REALIZED THAT I WAS COVERED IN BRUISES. THERE WERE LITERALLY FINGERPRINT BRUISES ON MY CHEST FROM HOW HARD HE HAD BEEN GRABBING MY BODY. THERE WAS A BRUISE IN THE SHAPE OF A MOUTH WITH TEETH ON MY SHOULDER. I HAD TO WEAR SCARVES AROUND MY NECK FOR THREE WEEKS BEFORE THEY WENT AWAY.

I NEVER LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AGAIN.

 

ALLIE IS SUPER AWESOME. SHE HAS SEEN ME AT MY WORST, AT MY MOST VULNERABLE, CRAZY, AND MY STUPIDEST. YET WE ARE STILL ABLE TO SIT ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER AND EAT EGGS BENEDICT AND GULP MARTINIS, SWEATING IN THE HOT AUGUST HEAT.

WE TALK ABOUT OUR JOBS. SHE TOLD ME SHE IS GOING TO ASPEN FOR A WEEK TO NANNY AND I TELL HER THAT I’M JEALOUS. WE LAUGH OVER OUR PAST AND OUR FUTURE AND I TELL HER ABOUT MY LATEST TINDER FAILS. I SLURP COFFEE BLACK FOR A WHILE AND THEN SWITCH TO MILK AND SUGAR. AS TIME GOES ON I ALWAYS LET MYSELF EASE INTO THE SITUATION AND START OVERSHARING. I LOVE OVERSHARING WITH MY FRIENDS AND LAUGHING ABOUT ALL THE CRAZY SHIT WE HAVE IN COMMON.

SHE GOES INTO STORIES ABOUT GETTING HER BUTT HOLE WAXED AROUND THE CORNER FROM HER APARTMENT IN BUSHWICK. I TELL HER ABOUT MY “FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS SITUATION” WITH A TWENTY-EIGHT YEAR OLD GUY I MET IN THE LOWER EAST SIDE. I TELL HER ABOUT TRYING REALLY HARD TO BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THE “NICE GUYS”  WHO MIGHT ACTUALLY DATE ME BUT HOW I ALWAYS END UP WITH THE ASSHOLES WHO BARELY TEXT ME BACK.

SHE TELLS ME ABOUT HER LATEST DATE WITH A GUY WHO KEPT SUGGESTING THAT SHE GO OVER TO HIS PLACE AFTER DRINKS AND WE COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW SICK IT MAKES US THAT SEX IS EXPECTED IN ALL MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS. I TELL HER THAT I WAS THANKFUL TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO THE BOY THAT I DID. WE COMPLAINED ABOUT OUR STRETCH MARKS AND FEELING FAT AND NOT WANTING TO EXERCISE. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE COULDN’T DATE BOYS WITH THE SAME NAMES AS OTHER PEOPLE FROM OUR LIVES. WE TOLD EACH OTHER OUR NO-GO NAMES AND WHAT WE WOULD NAME OUR DAUGHTERS IF WE EVER HAD ANY.

IN ORDER TO STAY SANE, YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYTHING TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. IT MAKES ALL OF THE DIFFERENCE TO KNOW THAT YOU’RE NOT ALONE. ALL GIRLS GET HAIR FROM THEIR HEAD IN BETWEEN THEIR BUTT CHEEKS WHEN THEY TAKE SHOWERS. THIS USED TO MORTIFY ME TO DISCUSS UNTIL I FOUND THE BEAUTY IN LAUGHING AT LIFE. 

I’M SO THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS. I WILL DISCUSS THEM FREQUENTLY AND WITH THEIR PERMISSION. THEY RESPECT MY OBSESSION WITH HUMAN AND FEMALE SEXUALITY. I HAVE BECOME THE TO GO-TO GIRL TO DISCUSS THREESOMES, BUTT SEX, STD’S STRETCHMARKS, PERIOD SEX, DOMINATRIX, ONLINE DATING, CONDOM VS NO CONDOM, LUBE, SEX TOYS -  ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING - NO JUDGEMENT. I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD, BUT I KNOW A LOT OF INFORMATION ABOUT THE WORLD OF SEX.

MY FRIENDS ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ENCOURAGED ME TO START WRITING THIS STUFF DOWN. IT MAY NOT BE BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN OR GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT BUT IT’S WHAT I’M PASSIONATE ABOUT AND IT’S HONEST. I HAVE TO DEDICATE THIS BLOG TO MY HOME GIRLS WHO HAVE LOVED ME FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT AND TOLD ME THAT MY VOICE MATTERS.

I'M BEYOND EXCITED TO EXPOSE SEX FROM A FEMALE'S PERSPECTIVE AND HOPEFULLY LAUGH A LOT ALONG THE WAY.