WHO CUMS FIRST

YOU ARE LAYING IN HIS BED. ITS COMFORTABLE. HIS MOTHER PROBABLY BOUGHT HIM THIS PILLOWTOP MATTRESS PAD. YOU CAN'T REALLY SEE HIM PUTTING THAT KIND OF MONEY INTO ANYTHING.

HIS ROOM IS STARK - A SPACE YOU'D IMAGINE PATRICK BATEMAN FROM AMERICAN PSYCHO WOULD RESIDE IN. SOMETHING MAKES YOU FEEL UNEASY, LIKE MAYBE THERE IS A SAW IN THE IKEA WARDROBE, OR THAT HE COULD BE A PSYCHOPATH. WHY? BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EAT YOUR PUSSY.

THE ONLY VALID REASONS FOR NOT GOING DOWN ON A LADY ARE AS FOLLOWS:

1. YOU'RE OVER 50% ATTRACTED TO MALES.

2. SHE'S ON HER PERIOD.

3. YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH.

PSYCHOPATHS DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR PARTNERS AS THEY ARE INCAPABLE OF SUCH EMOTION. WHILE I COULD BE CONSIDERED IGNORANT AND INSENSITIVE TO SOCIOPATHS/PSYCHOPATHS (THE TERMS ARE USED SYNONYMOUSLY, I RESEARCHED IT BY READING "CONFESSIONS OF A SOCIOPATH BY M.E. THOMAS - A SOLID THOUGHT PROVOKING READ, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND) I DON'T THINK A TRUE PSYCHOPATH WOULD GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MY OBSERVATION BASED ON SOLID FACTS.

FEMALE ORIENTED MAGAZINES TRY TO IDENTIFY A SOLID REASON AS TO WHY HE ISN'T KISSING YOUR VAGINA. COSMOPOLITAN SUGGESTS BANNING BLOWJOBS FROM THE BEDROOM UNTIL HE DECIDES EATING YOU OUT MIGHT BE WORTH THE RETURN ON INVESTMENT. LOVEPANKY (A SEX ADVISE WEBSITE) EXCUSES THE MALE GENDER BY SAYING, "ONE BAD EXPERIENCE FOLLOWED BY MANY MORE MAY HAVE BLINDSIDED YOUR SECRET GARDEN FROM HIS SEXUAL VIEW."

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT BAD EXPERIENCE? IF YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE WHO IS DIRTY, OR SMELLS, THAT IS YOUR OWN FAULT. YOU SHOULDN'T BE TAKING PAST EXPERIENCES OUT ON YOUR CURRENT LADY. SLEEPING WITH A PIG IS ONE THING, BASING YOUR NEW SEX LIFE OFF OF THE PIG IS ANOTHER. THAT'S LIKE HAVING FOOD POISONING AND THEN CUTTING SEAFOOD OUT OF YOUR LIFE ENTIRELY - IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE.

LOVEPANKY, COSMO, AND MY PREVIOUS 'FLING' SAY IT'S SIMPLE: ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK. THIS, ALSO QUITE SIMPLY, INFURIATES ME.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO ASK FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION? DO YOU HONESTLY THINK YOUR MEDIOCRE, AVERAGE SIZED, AVERAGE GIRTH PENIS IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF AN ORGASM FOR ME? WHAT HAPPENED TO FOREPLAY? JUST LIKE SOME MEN CAN'T GET IT UP FROM ONLY MAKING OUT, SOME WOMEN CAN'T GET WET WITHOUT FOREPLAY. PLEASE DON'T GO TRYING TO SLIDE DOWN A DRY WATERSLIDE,  YOU MIGHT END UP WITH RUG BURN.

"WHEN YOU FORCE HIM, IT WILL FEEL LIKE A CHORE." NOT ONLY SHOULD NO ASPECT OF A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP EVER BE FORCED, BUT WHY WOULD GETTING YOUR PARTNER OFF EVER FEEL LIKE A CHORE? IF IT'S A CHORE, WHY ARE YOU HOOKING UP? I'D RATHER MASTURBATE AND MOP MY KITCHEN FLOOR THAN SLEEP WITH A GUY WHO FELT LIKE CLEANING THE STOVE.

"KEEP IT FRAGRANT AND WEAR ENTICING LINGERIE" EXCUSE ME, WHAT? I'M SUPPOSED TO WEAR ENTICING PANTIES BUT ITS FINE AND DANDY FOR YOU TO SHOW UP IN YOUR WRINKLY BOXERS YOUR MOM BOUGHT YOU IN THE TENTH GRADE SMELLING LIKE YOU SWEAT ALL DAY AT THE GYM? I DON'T THINK SO. I'LL GO AROUND PANTIELESS AS MUCH AS I DAMN PLEASE AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT. NO ONE WANTS A DUDE WHO ISN'T THRILLED BY THE IDEA OF EATING YOUR VAGINA.

"DON'T MAKE HIM DROWN DOWN THERE" ????? WHAT????? I'M SORRY WHAT???? I WILL SUFFOCATE YOU DOWN THERE, I DON'T CARE. I AM SUPPOSED TO SUCK YOUR UGLY PENIS AND SWALLOW YOUR FAST-FOOD NASTY-ASS SPUNK BUT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME DROWNING YOU???? ARE YOU INSANE? IF I BLESS YOU ENOUGH TO SQUIRT WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE YOU DAMN WELL SHOULD ENJOY YOUR SUDDEN DEATH BY DROWNING.

"DON'T BE SELFISH. BE SURE TO THANK HIM FOR IT." I WISH I COULD BURN COSMOPOLITAN TO THE GROUND. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ADVISE IS THIS? "LET HIM KNOW YOU ENJOYED IT" HONEY, YOU'RE NOT DONE UNTIL I CUM. THEN YOU WILL KNOW I ENJOYED IT.

WHEN DID WE BECOME A WORLD OF WOMEN LESS SATISFIED? WHY IS IT EVER OKAY FOR US TO GO DOWN ON YOU AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU AND BE LEFT UNSATISFIED? IT IS CRUCIAL FOR BOTH PARTNERS IN ANY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP TO BE MUTUALLY SATISFIED - OTHERWISE WHY DON'T YOU JUST MASTURBATE? ITS MUCH FASTER AND EASIER, AND MUCH LESS DRAMATIC.

I THINK THAT ORAL SEX IS MORE INTIMATE IN MANY WAYS THAN ACTUAL SEXUAL PENETRATION. IT'S ABOUT PLEASING THE OTHER PERSON, IT'S ABOUT ONE-ON-ONE CONTACT WITH THE OTHER PERSON COMPLETELY VULNERABLE. ALL ATTENTION IS ON YOU - IT CAN BE A LOT OF PRESSURE. I UNDERSTAND THAT ORAL SEX CAN BE SCARY. HOWEVER - IF HE'S NOT GOING DOWN ON YOU, YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT HAVE TO GO DOWN ON HIM. KEEP THE SCORES LEVEL, THIS ACT SHOULD BE NEUTRAL LIKE CANADA.

I CAN'T EVEN ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF BEING WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T ENJOY CUNNALINGUS. I DON'T WANT A GUY I HAVE TO REMIND THAT MY VAJ HASN'T BEEN LICKED IN A WHILE. FOR THE MOST PART, I HAVEN'T HAD AN ISSUE. MEN HAVE BEEN MORE THAN HAPPY TO BE BLESSED BY MY VAGINA IN AND ON THEIR FACE. THIS IS GREAT! MOST MEN SEEM TO THAT KNOW SEX IS MUTUAL.

AS A FEMALE, I CAN SAY THAT THE LAST THING A WOMAN NEEDS IS TO FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT HER KITTY CAT. YOUR AVOIDANCE OF THE V IS A REALLY PERTURBING ONE. DON'T BE THIS GUY. BE THE GUY WHO CAN'T GET ENOUGH, TEASES US, STAYS DOWN THERE LONG ENOUGH FOR US TO CUM, MAYBE EVEN A SECOND TIME.

WE ARE ALL SEXUAL BEINGS. LOVE, LUST, FRIENDSHIP - WHATEVER - WE LIKE SEX.

HERE IS A COSMO ARTICLE I WHOLEHEARTEDLY SUPPORT, "NICKI MINAJ WANTS ALL WOMEN TO DEMAND MORE ORGASMS".

GIRL, ME TOO. IF MY MAN IS GOING TO CUM EVERY TIME - AND HE DOES - I EXPECT THE SAME FOR ME.

WE ARE EQUAL.

“I DEMAND THAT I CLIMAX. I THINK WOMEN SHOULD DEMAND THAT. I HAVE A FRIEND WHO’S NEVER HAD AN ORGASM IN HER LIFE. IN HER LIFE! THAT HURTS MY HEART. IT’S CUCKOO TO ME. I’M A PLEASER, BUT IT’S FIFTY-FIFTY.”

— NICKI MINAJ

LOKE

LIFE IS MORE PRODUCTIVE WHEN YOUR BED IS MADE. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR SWEATERS CAN BE ON THE FLOOR AND THE SHOES THAT YOU THREW UP ON ON SATURDAY CAN STILL BE PUKE STAINED, BUT IF YOUR BED IS MADE YOU'RE 65% OF THE WAY THERE. IT'S COMPARABLE TO FEELING MEDIOCRE PHYSICALLY AND THEN SHAVING YOUR LEGS AND LOTIONING THEM, OR PERHAPS COMPARABLE TO FEELING STRESSED AND THEN LIGHTING A CANDLE. 65% IS A GREAT PERCENT OF SHIT TO HAVE TOGETHER. CURRENTLY, MY BED IS MADE, MY LEGS ARE SHAVED AND LOTIONED, AND I HAVE A CANDLE BURNING SO I'M 195% SET.

WHEN YOU GROW UP - A LITTLE, I WOULDN'T CALL MYSELF AN ADULT BY ANY MEANS - THINGS START TO FALL INTO PLACE. STEADY JOBS WITH GOOD PAYCHECKS, FABULOUS APARTMENTS IN BUSHWICK, DATES WITH CUTE BOYS (WHO MAKE LESS THAN YOU BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE MAKING SOMETHING NOW), EVEN YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCES GET LESS WEIRD. ADMITTING YOUR SEXUAL DEVIANCES IS LESS SWEAT-WORTHY LIKE, OH, YOU LIKE SUCKING TOES? THAT'S FINE, I'VE DEALT WITH OBJECTUM SEXUALIS (CASUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOUR TOASTER OVEN? ANY KIND OF INANIMATE OBJECT? OBJECTUM SEXUALIS).

THINGS KIND OF EVEN OUT LIKE THE WAY CHOCOLATE SAUCE COVERS VANILLA ICE CREAM. YOU START GETTING COMFORTABLE IN THE LIFE YOU ARE LEADING, YOUR BODY, YOUR INNER MONOLOGUE BECOMES MORE LIKE A DEAR FRIEND INSTEAD OF AN INTRUDER. THERE IS ONE THING, THOUGH, THAT NO ONE IS COMFORTABLE WITH: FALLING IN LOVE.

WHEN IS " TOO SOON"? IS IT REALLY LOVE OR IS IT JUST LUST? FRIENDSHIP? TRUST? PRESSURE FROM YOUR FAMILY TO HAVE BABIES AND STOP ROLLING AROUND IN YOUR OWN DIRT?

MAYBE IF WE UNDERSTOOD THE PHASES OF LOVE, THINGS WOULD BE LESS COMPLICATED.

1. LIKE.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT LIKE IS LIKE. (LIKE LIKE?? LIKE???) IT'S A CRUSH, THE HEART LEAPING, BUTTERFLIES, NERVOUS POOPS FEELING. THE ANXIETY WAITING FOR TEXTS AND ATTENTION, THE UTTER RELEASE WHEN FINALLY RECEIVING THEM. YOU STOP BEING SO CYNICAL. YOU NOTICE YOUR FOCUS ON WORK IS SLIPPING. THE BARISTA BOY AT STARBUCKS IS LESS CUTE. THE FREE COFFEE IS LESS CHARMING. YOU'RE FINDING UNRELATED OPPORTUNITIES TO BRING UP YOUR CRUSHES' NAME IN CONVERSATION. SOME RANDOM GIRL COMMENTS ON HIS INSTAGRAM POST AND YOU FIND YOURSELF STALKING HER (TOO CREEPY? I'VE DEFINITELY DONE IT). YOU'RE GOING ON DINNER DATES AND ORDERING EASY-TO-EAT THINGS INSTEAD OF MASSIVE MOUTH FILLING BURGERS OR DAMN THE IMPOSSIBLE LARGE LEAFED SALADS. YOU WIPE YOUR HANDS ON THE NAPKIN (WHICH MIGHT EVEN BE IN YOUR LAP!!) INSTEAD OF ON YOUR JEANS. YOU PUT ON MAKEUP IN THE MORNING AND YOU STOP YELLING AT THE MAN WHO NEVER THANKS YOU FOR HOLDING THE DOOR FOR HIM. THE WORLD FEELS A BIT LIGHTER WHEN YOU'RE IN LIKE.

2. LOKE.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PHASE IN FALLING IN LOVE. IT'S THE PHASE MOST PEOPLE SKIP OVER, THROWING "I LOVE YOU" AT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER LIKE NINJAS THROW THOSE SHARP STAR THINGS THROUGH THE AIR (HES THE WOODEN BOARD THEY PIERCE). MY BEST FRIEND IN COLLEGE (GABRIELA, THIS IS WHERE YOUR CREDIT IS) INTRODUCED ME TO LOKE. SHE INVENTED THE TERM, SHE IS AN UTTER GENIUS.

LOKE IS WHEN THINGS GET MORE PERSONAL. HE MEETS YOUR FAMILY FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE TAKES YOU OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS MORE OFTEN. HE HOLDS YOUR HAND (IN PUBLIC!!) A LOT. YOU START TO FEEL MUSHY INSIDE LIKE MAYBE YOU DON'T MIND THE WAY HE SNORES IN HIS SLEEP. INSTEAD OF FALLING ASLEEP IMMEDIATELY YOU KIND OF CREEPILY STARE AT HIS EYELIDS AND WONDER WHAT HE'S DREAMING ABOUT. YOU THINK ABOUT BUYING HIM CLOTHES WHEN YOU'RE SHOPPING FOR YOURSELF AND YOU ARE SHOCKED YOU WOULD CONSIDER SPENDING MONEY ON SOMEONE ELSE. YOU START REFERRING TO HIM BY NAME INSTEAD OF "MY BOYFRIEND" BECAUSE NOW EVEN YOUR ACQUAINTANCES KNOW YOU'RE NOT SINGLE. LOKE IS BASICALLY THE HONEYMOON PHASE IN ANY ENTRY RELATIONSHIP. THE SEX IS GREAT, YOU'RE MONOGAMOUS, YOU'RE SO HAPPY!! YOU DON'T FIGHT!! HE BRINGS YOU GIFTS!! HE NEVER CANCELS DATE NIGHT!! HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND IS JEALOUS!! HE POSTED AN INSTAGRAM OF YOU AND HIM!! YOU HAVE SOME OF HIS LAUNDRY IN YOUR LAUNDRY BAG!! YOU'RE STARTING TO GET COMFORTABLE SHARING A BED!! YOUR CAT DOESN'T HIDE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE DOOR!! THINGS ARE SO DAMN GOOD - BUT YOU'RE JUST NOT READY FOR THE "I LOVE YOU". EMBRACE THIS PHASE!! THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE PHASE. YOU HAVE A NEW FRIEND AND A NEW LOVER WHOM YOU DON'T ARGUE WITH.

3. LOVE.

YOU SAID I LOVE YOU. NOW YOU'RE ARGUING. THE DISHES ARE DIRTY, THE TOILET SEAT IS UP, THERE IS NO MORE DAMN TOILET PAPER ANYWHERE!! HIS HAIR IS IN THE SHOWER DRAIN, CLOGGING THE TUB. HIS DIRTY SOCKS ARE LIKE EVERYWHERE. HE DOESN'T MAKE ROOM FOR YOUR DOG IN THE BED. HE LEAVES TEA BAGS EVERYWHERE AND SITS BARE-ASSED ON YOUR WHITE SOFA (I HOPE SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD MY SEX AND THE CITY REFERENCE HERE).

THIS IS GREAT TOO. HE'S RELEASED HIMSELF UPON YOU LIKE THOSE DOVES AT WEDDINGS - IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND SCARY AS SHIT. IT'S NOT ALWAYS WELCOMED, BUT IT IS GREAT BEING ABLE TO PEE WITH THE DOOR OPEN AND CONFESS TO PMS AND STILL HAVE A HEALTHY SEX LIFE. ITS GREAT TO STOP SHAVING YOUR LEGS LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY BECAUSE THE STUBBLE IS WHATEVER WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE. YOUR PARENTS HAVE ADDED HIM ON FACEBOOK OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT CONFIRMS HE HAS TO COME TO THANKSGIVING AND MEET YOUR INSANE UNCLE FROM TEXAS AND YOUR STEP-AUNT WHO FLASHES PEOPLE. HE LEARNS YOUR SECRETS AND SURPRISINGLY CAN KEEP THEM QUITE WELL. "I LOVE YOU" IS SO TERRIFYING BECAUSE YOU'RE OPENING YOUR SOUL TO SOMEONE WHO HAS THE COMPLETE CAPABILITY OF REJECTING IT LIKE OLD CHINA FROM YOUR GRANDMOTHER WHO PASSED AWAY THAT NO ONE WANTS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATCH THE MID-CENTURY MODERN LOOK YOU'RE GOING FOR IN YOUR NEW CONDO.

THE WEIRDEST THING IS THAT LOVE PROGRESSES OVER TIME. THE SEX GETS BETTER. HE NOW STARTS TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN. SOMETIMES HE MAY EVEN MAKE YOU DINNER. HE FOLDS YOUR INTIMATES!! (ANOTHER MOVIE REFERENCE. ANYONE?) YOU COME HOME AND HES NAPPING WITH YOUR DOG - DROOL ON DROOL, SNORE ON SNORE.

ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS IN THE UNIVERSE IS OPENING YOURSELF UP TO LOVE. I AM ENDLESSLY IMPRESSED WITH MYSELF FOR ACCEPTING LOVE WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO BROKEN SO MANY TIMES. LOVE IS A GIANT FEAT, AND PERHAPS THE MOST EXHILARATING. IF YOU'RE NOT FEELING THE LOVE, GIVE IT OUT.

"PEOPLE JUST NEED A LITTLE HELP BECAUSE THEY ARE SO USED TO NOT LOVING. IT'S LIKE SCORING THE CLAY TO MAKE ANOTHER PIECE OF CLAY STICK TO IT."

THE BEGINNING

I SPENT THIS MORNING AT BRUNCH AT A PLACE IN BROOKLYN CALLED HAREFIELD ROAD WITH MY FRIEND ALLIE. WE GRADUATED COLLEGE TOGETHER BUT HAVE BEEN ON DIFFERENT TRACKS WITH OUR LIVES WHICH RESULTED IN US NOT SEEING EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE. THE BEST THING ABOUT FRIENDS FROM COLLEGE IS THAT THEY’VE SEEN YOU AT YOUR ABSOLUTE LOWEST AND STILL LOVE YOU. ALLIE HAD SEEN ME AT MY ABSOLUTE WORST. IMAGINE AN OVER-SEXUAL EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD WITH NO PARENTS AND NO RULES JUST PARTYING IN NEW YORK CITY.

I DID SOME SHIT MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE THAT COULD HAVE GOTTEN ME RAPED. I DID SOME SHIT MY FRESHMAN YEAR THAT I WAS LITERALLY LUCKY TO GET OUT OF ALIVE.

AT EIGHTEEN IN MANHATTAN, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU HAVE A FAKE ID OR NOT. IF YOU HAVE HUGE BOOBS AND SIX INCH HEELS, YOU’RE GETTING IN AT ANY CLUB YOU WANT.

NOT ONLY ARE YOU GETTING INTO ANY CLUB YOU WANT, BUT YOU’RE GETTING FREE BOTTLE SERVICE ALL NIGHT WITH YOUR BEST GIRLFRIENDS.

THE FIRST CLUB I WENT TO WAS IN CHELSEA. I WAS WEARING A LEOPARD PRINT FOREVER 21 DRESS (????) AND RED NINE WEST HEELS. I THOUGHT I WAS HOT SHIT.

WE WENT OUT WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER FRESHMAN THAT I HAVEN'T SPOKEN WITH SINCE. COLLEGE IS WEIRD LIKE THAT - YOU MAKE MEMORIES WITH THE MOST RANDOM PEOPLE THE FIRST COUPLE OF WEEKS AND THEN TRY SUPER HARD TO NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THEM AGAIN. I MADE OUT WITH A BOY THAT I THEN BECAME OBSESSED WITH FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.  I LATER LEARNED HE TOLD EVERYONE THAT HE PUT HIS FINGER IN MY BUTT HOLE WHILE WE WERE DANCING - WHICH DEFINITELY DIDN’T HAPPEN, I WOULD’VE HOPED TO HAVE FELT IT.

I MADE SOME REALLY DUMB CHOICES IN COLLEGE. I WAS PROBABLY THE STUPIDEST GIRL ON THE PLANET AND EVERYDAY I’M THANKFUL THAT NOTHING HORRIBLE HAPPENED.

I WENT OUT WITH MY TWO GIRLFRIENDS TO AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB UPTOWN. WE KNEW THE DJ SO WE GOT IN WITH REALLY BAD FAKE IDS. I WAS FROM GREEN BAY, RHODE ISLAND (NOT EVEN A REAL FUCKING PLACE! THANKS ID DUDE!!) AND MY HEAD WAS CROPPED INTO A TRIANGLE SHAPE THAT WAS TRULY DISCOMFORTING TO LOOK AT.

WE GOT WASTED TO SAY THE LEAST. THERE WERE A GROUP OF ARMY MEN THERE THAT I HAD CONVINCED I WAS TWENTY-TWO AND WE HAD BEEN DRINKING THEIR ALCOHOL ALL NIGHT.

I GOT SO WASTED I ENDED UP SITTING ON MY AIR FORCE BOY’S LAP IN PUBLIC AND MAKING OUT WITH HIM. HE WAS TWENTY SEVEN AND I WAS EIGHTEEN. HE TOOK ME BACK TO HIS HOTEL ROOM IN SOHO - SOMETHING THAT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED TO. THE SCARIER PART IS THAT THERE WERE FIVE TWENTY-SEVEN YEAR OLDS STAYING IN THE SAME HOTEL ROOM TOGETHER. I DON'T KNOW WHY "ORGY" OR "GANG RAPE" DIDN'T REGISTER IN MY MIND, BUT THEN AGAIN, I WAS A COMPLETE DUMB-ASS.

I WAS STILL A VIRGIN.

MY AIR FORCE BOY AND I MADE OUT FOR A FEW HOURS. I REMEMBER THAT HE FINGERED ME PRETTY WELL AND I KNEW HE WAS EXPERIENCED. HE HAD A HUGE PENIS, TOO. HE ASKED ME TO HAVE SEX. I SAID NO, I WAS A VIRGIN. HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE AN ALIEN BUT STATED THAT HE RESPECTED THAT. HE SETTLED FOR HEAD AND AFTER HE CAME WE WENT TO BED.

THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP IN SOHO IN THE ARMS OF A HUGE GUY I WAS SURE WASN’T AS CUTE AS I HAD THOUGHT HE WAS. 

WE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS SLEPT. I HAD TOLD HIM THAT I HATED KISSING IN THE MORNING BEFORE MY TEETH WERE BRUSHED, SO HE FOLLOWED ME AND WE BRUSHED THEM TOGETHER. HE STOOD BEHIND ME AND HIS DICK WAS PRESSED AGAINST BY BUTT CHEEKS WHICH I DIDN’T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT TO FIND ATTRACTIVE. I WAS MOSTLY JUST INTIMIDATED.

AFTER WE BOTH SPIT HE TOOK MY PJ’S OFF AND TURNED ME AROUND TO FACE THE FLOOR LENGTH MIRROR. HE STOOD BEHIND ME BUT DIDN’T TOUCH ME.

“LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.” HE HAD SAID.

I WEIGHED 119 POUNDS AS A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE - SOMETHING THAT I WILL NEVER EVER ACHIEVE AGAIN - AND WAS TOTALLY COMFORTABLE BEING NAKED. I HAD PLAYED SOCCER AND TENNIS SINCE A YOUNG AGE AND I KNEW I WAS FIT AS FUCK (GOD, I AM SO JEALOUS OF MY EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD SELF). EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS NOW IS UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. I WENT HOME TO WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE AND ENDED UP WITH A GUY TELLING ME TO LOOK AT MYSELF NAKED AND APPRECIATE IT. I REMEMBER BRUSHING OFF THE MOMENT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. LIKE IT WAS NORMAL FOR SOMEONE TO INSTRUCT YOU TO TAKE A MOMENT AND ACTUALLY LOOK AT HOW FUCKING AWESOME YOU LOOK NAKED. I WISH I HAD LOOKED HARDER SO THAT I COULD REMEMBER HOW IT FELT.

AFTER A LONG AWKWARD PAUSE HE TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES TOO. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD EVER SEEN A "MAN" NAKED. HE WASN'T SCRAWNY AND SKINNY WITH PATCHES OF HAIR ACROSS HIS CHEST, NO. HE WAS HUGE AND MUSCULAR AND COVERED IN HAIR. I WAS SLIGHTLY DISGUSTED BY HOW HAIRY HE WAS. I'M NOT JOKING WHEN I SAY THAT HIS ENTIRE ASS WAS HAIR. I HAVE YET TO MEET ANYONE THAT HAIRY SINCE.

WE TOOK A SHOWER TOGETHER. I WAS SO INNOCENT SEXUALLY THAT I DIDN'T TOUCH HIS DICK THE WHOLE TIME - EVEN THOUGH HE WAS HARD AND PRACTICALLY STARING ME IN THE FACE. 

AFTER MY SHOWER I REALIZED WHAT A DUMB-ASS I WAS. MY HAIR WAS WET - WHICH DRIES CURLY AND FRIZZY - AND I NEEDED TO GO HOME IMMEDIATELY. THE AIR FORCE BOY TOOK ME HOME IN A CAB TO MY FRESHMAN DORM ROOM AND WALKED ME TO THE DOOR BEFORE SAYING GOODBYE.

HE’S MARRIED NOW.

ALLIE ALSO WATCHED ME SIT ON A BOYS LAP AT HALLOWEEN - DRESSED UP AS KE$HA IN TINY JEAN SHORTS, A LEATHER JACKET, FISHNETS AND GO-GO BOOTS. WE HAD BEEN PRACTICALLY DRY HUMPING AT THE CLUB AND I HAD MYSTERIOUSLY BROKEN BOTH OF MY SHOES. WE TOOK A CAB HOME AND I NOTICED THAT HIS JACKET WAS WORTH OVER 5,000 DOLLARS. I REFUSED TO PITCH IN ON PAYING FOR THE CAB.

HE WAS ALSO A FRESHMAN AT MY COLLEGE - AND FUCKING WEIRD. HE WAS TALL - OVER SIX FOOT TWO - AND AFRICAN AMERICAN. HE HAD KIND OF A BABY FACE AND A SUPER DOUCHE-Y ATTITUDE THAT AT THE TIME I WAS UNABLE TO RESIST. WHEN WE WERE DRUNK HE TOLD ME HE WANTED ME TO MEET HIS FAMILY.

BACK AT HIS DORM ROOM WE MADE OUT FOR AN HOUR OR SO UNTIL MY LIPS WERE RAW. MEN TEND TO THINK  - IN ALL CASES - THE WETTER THE BETTER. (NOT ALWAYS THE CASE BOYS).NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED AND I REFUSED TO DISCOVER HOW BIG HIS DICK WAS.

THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP TO HIS OBNOXIOUS SNORING. I SNUCK OUT OF HIS ROOM INSANELY HUNGOVER GRABBING AT THE TRAIN OF KE$HA CLOTHES STREWN ALL OVER THE ROOM. WHEN I GOT TO MY ROOM ONE FLOOR BELOW I REALIZED THAT I WAS COVERED IN BRUISES. THERE WERE LITERALLY FINGERPRINT BRUISES ON MY CHEST FROM HOW HARD HE HAD BEEN GRABBING MY BODY. THERE WAS A BRUISE IN THE SHAPE OF A MOUTH WITH TEETH ON MY SHOULDER. I HAD TO WEAR SCARVES AROUND MY NECK FOR THREE WEEKS BEFORE THEY WENT AWAY.

I NEVER LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AGAIN.

ALLIE IS SUPER AWESOME. SHE HAS SEEN ME AT MY WORST, AT MY MOST VULNERABLE, CRAZY, AND MY STUPIDEST. YET WE ARE STILL ABLE TO SIT ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER AND EAT EGGS BENEDICT AND GULP MARTINIS, SWEATING IN THE HOT AUGUST HEAT.

WE TALK ABOUT OUR JOBS. SHE TOLD ME SHE IS GOING TO ASPEN FOR A WEEK TO NANNY AND I TELL HER THAT I’M JEALOUS. WE LAUGH OVER OUR PAST AND OUR FUTURE AND I TELL HER ABOUT MY LATEST TINDER FAILS. I SLURP COFFEE BLACK FOR A WHILE AND THEN SWITCH TO MILK AND SUGAR. AS TIME GOES ON I ALWAYS LET MYSELF EASE INTO THE SITUATION AND START OVERSHARING. I LOVE OVERSHARING WITH MY FRIENDS AND LAUGHING ABOUT ALL THE CRAZY SHIT WE HAVE IN COMMON.

SHE GOES INTO STORIES ABOUT GETTING HER BUTT HOLE WAXED AROUND THE CORNER FROM HER APARTMENT IN BUSHWICK. I TELL HER ABOUT MY “FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS SITUATION” WITH A TWENTY-EIGHT YEAR OLD GUY I MET IN THE LOWER EAST SIDE. I TELL HER ABOUT TRYING REALLY HARD TO BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THE “NICE GUYS”  WHO MIGHT ACTUALLY DATE ME BUT HOW I ALWAYS END UP WITH THE ASSHOLES WHO BARELY TEXT ME BACK.

SHE TELLS ME ABOUT HER LATEST DATE WITH A GUY WHO KEPT SUGGESTING THAT SHE GO OVER TO HIS PLACE AFTER DRINKS AND WE COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW SICK IT MAKES US THAT SEX IS EXPECTED IN ALL MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS. I TELL HER THAT I WAS THANKFUL TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO THE BOY THAT I DID. WE COMPLAINED ABOUT OUR STRETCH MARKS AND FEELING FAT AND NOT WANTING TO EXERCISE. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE COULDN’T DATE BOYS WITH THE SAME NAMES AS OTHER PEOPLE FROM OUR LIVES. WE TOLD EACH OTHER OUR NO-GO NAMES AND WHAT WE WOULD NAME OUR DAUGHTERS IF WE EVER HAD ANY.

IN ORDER TO STAY SANE, YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYTHING TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. IT MAKES ALL OF THE DIFFERENCE TO KNOW THAT YOU’RE NOT ALONE. ALL GIRLS GET HAIR FROM THEIR HEAD IN BETWEEN THEIR BUTT CHEEKS WHEN THEY TAKE SHOWERS. THIS USED TO MORTIFY ME TO DISCUSS UNTIL I FOUND THE BEAUTY IN LAUGHING AT LIFE. 

I’M SO THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS. I WILL DISCUSS THEM FREQUENTLY AND WITH THEIR PERMISSION. THEY RESPECT MY OBSESSION WITH HUMAN AND FEMALE SEXUALITY. I HAVE BECOME THE TO GO-TO GIRL TO DISCUSS THREESOMES, BUTT SEX, STD’S STRETCHMARKS, PERIOD SEX, DOMINATRIX, ONLINE DATING, CONDOM VS NO CONDOM, LUBE, SEX TOYS -  ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING - NO JUDGEMENT. I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD, BUT I KNOW A LOT OF INFORMATION ABOUT THE WORLD OF SEX.

MY FRIENDS ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ENCOURAGED ME TO START WRITING THIS STUFF DOWN. IT MAY NOT BE BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN OR GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT BUT IT’S WHAT I’M PASSIONATE ABOUT AND IT’S HONEST. I HAVE TO DEDICATE THIS BLOG TO MY HOME GIRLS WHO HAVE LOVED ME FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT AND TOLD ME THAT MY VOICE MATTERS.

I'M BEYOND EXCITED TO EXPOSE SEX FROM A FEMALE'S PERSPECTIVE AND HOPEFULLY LAUGH A LOT ALONG THE WAY.