WHO CUMS FIRST

YOU ARE LAYING IN HIS BED. ITS COMFORTABLE. HIS MOTHER PROBABLY BOUGHT HIM THIS PILLOWTOP MATTRESS PAD. YOU CAN'T REALLY SEE HIM PUTTING THAT KIND OF MONEY INTO ANYTHING.

HIS ROOM IS STARK - A SPACE YOU'D IMAGINE PATRICK BATEMAN FROM AMERICAN PSYCHO WOULD RESIDE IN. SOMETHING MAKES YOU FEEL UNEASY, LIKE MAYBE THERE IS A SAW IN THE IKEA WARDROBE, OR THAT HE COULD BE A PSYCHOPATH. WHY? BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EAT YOUR PUSSY.

THE ONLY VALID REASONS FOR NOT GOING DOWN ON A LADY ARE AS FOLLOWS:

1. YOU'RE OVER 50% ATTRACTED TO MALES.

2. SHE'S ON HER PERIOD.

3. YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH.

PSYCHOPATHS DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR PARTNERS AS THEY ARE INCAPABLE OF SUCH EMOTION. WHILE I COULD BE CONSIDERED IGNORANT AND INSENSITIVE TO SOCIOPATHS/PSYCHOPATHS (THE TERMS ARE USED SYNONYMOUSLY, I RESEARCHED IT BY READING "CONFESSIONS OF A SOCIOPATH BY M.E. THOMAS - A SOLID THOUGHT PROVOKING READ, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND) I DON'T THINK A TRUE PSYCHOPATH WOULD GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MY OBSERVATION BASED ON SOLID FACTS.

FEMALE ORIENTED MAGAZINES TRY TO IDENTIFY A SOLID REASON AS TO WHY HE ISN'T KISSING YOUR VAGINA. COSMOPOLITAN SUGGESTS BANNING BLOWJOBS FROM THE BEDROOM UNTIL HE DECIDES EATING YOU OUT MIGHT BE WORTH THE RETURN ON INVESTMENT. LOVEPANKY (A SEX ADVISE WEBSITE) EXCUSES THE MALE GENDER BY SAYING, "ONE BAD EXPERIENCE FOLLOWED BY MANY MORE MAY HAVE BLINDSIDED YOUR SECRET GARDEN FROM HIS SEXUAL VIEW."

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT BAD EXPERIENCE? IF YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE WHO IS DIRTY, OR SMELLS, THAT IS YOUR OWN FAULT. YOU SHOULDN'T BE TAKING PAST EXPERIENCES OUT ON YOUR CURRENT LADY. SLEEPING WITH A PIG IS ONE THING, BASING YOUR NEW SEX LIFE OFF OF THE PIG IS ANOTHER. THAT'S LIKE HAVING FOOD POISONING AND THEN CUTTING SEAFOOD OUT OF YOUR LIFE ENTIRELY - IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE.

LOVEPANKY, COSMO, AND MY PREVIOUS 'FLING' SAY IT'S SIMPLE: ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK. THIS, ALSO QUITE SIMPLY, INFURIATES ME.

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO ASK FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION? DO YOU HONESTLY THINK YOUR MEDIOCRE, AVERAGE SIZED, AVERAGE GIRTH PENIS IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF AN ORGASM FOR ME? WHAT HAPPENED TO FOREPLAY? JUST LIKE SOME MEN CAN'T GET IT UP FROM ONLY MAKING OUT, SOME WOMEN CAN'T GET WET WITHOUT FOREPLAY. PLEASE DON'T GO TRYING TO SLIDE DOWN A DRY WATERSLIDE,  YOU MIGHT END UP WITH RUG BURN.

"WHEN YOU FORCE HIM, IT WILL FEEL LIKE A CHORE." NOT ONLY SHOULD NO ASPECT OF A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP EVER BE FORCED, BUT WHY WOULD GETTING YOUR PARTNER OFF EVER FEEL LIKE A CHORE? IF IT'S A CHORE, WHY ARE YOU HOOKING UP? I'D RATHER MASTURBATE AND MOP MY KITCHEN FLOOR THAN SLEEP WITH A GUY WHO FELT LIKE CLEANING THE STOVE.

"KEEP IT FRAGRANT AND WEAR ENTICING LINGERIE" EXCUSE ME, WHAT? I'M SUPPOSED TO WEAR ENTICING PANTIES BUT ITS FINE AND DANDY FOR YOU TO SHOW UP IN YOUR WRINKLY BOXERS YOUR MOM BOUGHT YOU IN THE TENTH GRADE SMELLING LIKE YOU SWEAT ALL DAY AT THE GYM? I DON'T THINK SO. I'LL GO AROUND PANTIELESS AS MUCH AS I DAMN PLEASE AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT. NO ONE WANTS A DUDE WHO ISN'T THRILLED BY THE IDEA OF EATING YOUR VAGINA.

"DON'T MAKE HIM DROWN DOWN THERE" ????? WHAT????? I'M SORRY WHAT???? I WILL SUFFOCATE YOU DOWN THERE, I DON'T CARE. I AM SUPPOSED TO SUCK YOUR UGLY PENIS AND SWALLOW YOUR FAST-FOOD NASTY-ASS SPUNK BUT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME DROWNING YOU???? ARE YOU INSANE? IF I BLESS YOU ENOUGH TO SQUIRT WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE YOU DAMN WELL SHOULD ENJOY YOUR SUDDEN DEATH BY DROWNING.

"DON'T BE SELFISH. BE SURE TO THANK HIM FOR IT." I WISH I COULD BURN COSMOPOLITAN TO THE GROUND. WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ADVISE IS THIS? "LET HIM KNOW YOU ENJOYED IT" HONEY, YOU'RE NOT DONE UNTIL I CUM. THEN YOU WILL KNOW I ENJOYED IT.

WHEN DID WE BECOME A WORLD OF WOMEN LESS SATISFIED? WHY IS IT EVER OKAY FOR US TO GO DOWN ON YOU AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU AND BE LEFT UNSATISFIED? IT IS CRUCIAL FOR BOTH PARTNERS IN ANY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP TO BE MUTUALLY SATISFIED - OTHERWISE WHY DON'T YOU JUST MASTURBATE? ITS MUCH FASTER AND EASIER, AND MUCH LESS DRAMATIC.

I THINK THAT ORAL SEX IS MORE INTIMATE IN MANY WAYS THAN ACTUAL SEXUAL PENETRATION. IT'S ABOUT PLEASING THE OTHER PERSON, IT'S ABOUT ONE-ON-ONE CONTACT WITH THE OTHER PERSON COMPLETELY VULNERABLE. ALL ATTENTION IS ON YOU - IT CAN BE A LOT OF PRESSURE. I UNDERSTAND THAT ORAL SEX CAN BE SCARY. HOWEVER - IF HE'S NOT GOING DOWN ON YOU, YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT HAVE TO GO DOWN ON HIM. KEEP THE SCORES LEVEL, THIS ACT SHOULD BE NEUTRAL LIKE CANADA.

I CAN'T EVEN ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHT OF BEING WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T ENJOY CUNNALINGUS. I DON'T WANT A GUY I HAVE TO REMIND THAT MY VAJ HASN'T BEEN LICKED IN A WHILE. FOR THE MOST PART, I HAVEN'T HAD AN ISSUE. MEN HAVE BEEN MORE THAN HAPPY TO BE BLESSED BY MY VAGINA IN AND ON THEIR FACE. THIS IS GREAT! MOST MEN SEEM TO THAT KNOW SEX IS MUTUAL.

AS A FEMALE, I CAN SAY THAT THE LAST THING A WOMAN NEEDS IS TO FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT HER KITTY CAT. YOUR AVOIDANCE OF THE V IS A REALLY PERTURBING ONE. DON'T BE THIS GUY. BE THE GUY WHO CAN'T GET ENOUGH, TEASES US, STAYS DOWN THERE LONG ENOUGH FOR US TO CUM, MAYBE EVEN A SECOND TIME.

WE ARE ALL SEXUAL BEINGS. LOVE, LUST, FRIENDSHIP - WHATEVER - WE LIKE SEX.

HERE IS A COSMO ARTICLE I WHOLEHEARTEDLY SUPPORT, "NICKI MINAJ WANTS ALL WOMEN TO DEMAND MORE ORGASMS".

GIRL, ME TOO. IF MY MAN IS GOING TO CUM EVERY TIME - AND HE DOES - I EXPECT THE SAME FOR ME.

WE ARE EQUAL.

“I DEMAND THAT I CLIMAX. I THINK WOMEN SHOULD DEMAND THAT. I HAVE A FRIEND WHO’S NEVER HAD AN ORGASM IN HER LIFE. IN HER LIFE! THAT HURTS MY HEART. IT’S CUCKOO TO ME. I’M A PLEASER, BUT IT’S FIFTY-FIFTY.”

— NICKI MINAJ

LOKE

LIFE IS MORE PRODUCTIVE WHEN YOUR BED IS MADE. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR SWEATERS CAN BE ON THE FLOOR AND THE SHOES THAT YOU THREW UP ON ON SATURDAY CAN STILL BE PUKE STAINED, BUT IF YOUR BED IS MADE YOU'RE 65% OF THE WAY THERE. IT'S COMPARABLE TO FEELING MEDIOCRE PHYSICALLY AND THEN SHAVING YOUR LEGS AND LOTIONING THEM, OR PERHAPS COMPARABLE TO FEELING STRESSED AND THEN LIGHTING A CANDLE. 65% IS A GREAT PERCENT OF SHIT TO HAVE TOGETHER. CURRENTLY, MY BED IS MADE, MY LEGS ARE SHAVED AND LOTIONED, AND I HAVE A CANDLE BURNING SO I'M 195% SET.

WHEN YOU GROW UP - A LITTLE, I WOULDN'T CALL MYSELF AN ADULT BY ANY MEANS - THINGS START TO FALL INTO PLACE. STEADY JOBS WITH GOOD PAYCHECKS, FABULOUS APARTMENTS IN BUSHWICK, DATES WITH CUTE BOYS (WHO MAKE LESS THAN YOU BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE MAKING SOMETHING NOW), EVEN YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCES GET LESS WEIRD. ADMITTING YOUR SEXUAL DEVIANCES IS LESS SWEAT-WORTHY LIKE, OH, YOU LIKE SUCKING TOES? THAT'S FINE, I'VE DEALT WITH OBJECTUM SEXUALIS (CASUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOUR TOASTER OVEN? ANY KIND OF INANIMATE OBJECT? OBJECTUM SEXUALIS).

THINGS KIND OF EVEN OUT LIKE THE WAY CHOCOLATE SAUCE COVERS VANILLA ICE CREAM. YOU START GETTING COMFORTABLE IN THE LIFE YOU ARE LEADING, YOUR BODY, YOUR INNER MONOLOGUE BECOMES MORE LIKE A DEAR FRIEND INSTEAD OF AN INTRUDER. THERE IS ONE THING, THOUGH, THAT NO ONE IS COMFORTABLE WITH: FALLING IN LOVE.

WHEN IS " TOO SOON"? IS IT REALLY LOVE OR IS IT JUST LUST? FRIENDSHIP? TRUST? PRESSURE FROM YOUR FAMILY TO HAVE BABIES AND STOP ROLLING AROUND IN YOUR OWN DIRT?

MAYBE IF WE UNDERSTOOD THE PHASES OF LOVE, THINGS WOULD BE LESS COMPLICATED.

1. LIKE.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT LIKE IS LIKE. (LIKE LIKE?? LIKE???) IT'S A CRUSH, THE HEART LEAPING, BUTTERFLIES, NERVOUS POOPS FEELING. THE ANXIETY WAITING FOR TEXTS AND ATTENTION, THE UTTER RELEASE WHEN FINALLY RECEIVING THEM. YOU STOP BEING SO CYNICAL. YOU NOTICE YOUR FOCUS ON WORK IS SLIPPING. THE BARISTA BOY AT STARBUCKS IS LESS CUTE. THE FREE COFFEE IS LESS CHARMING. YOU'RE FINDING UNRELATED OPPORTUNITIES TO BRING UP YOUR CRUSHES' NAME IN CONVERSATION. SOME RANDOM GIRL COMMENTS ON HIS INSTAGRAM POST AND YOU FIND YOURSELF STALKING HER (TOO CREEPY? I'VE DEFINITELY DONE IT). YOU'RE GOING ON DINNER DATES AND ORDERING EASY-TO-EAT THINGS INSTEAD OF MASSIVE MOUTH FILLING BURGERS OR DAMN THE IMPOSSIBLE LARGE LEAFED SALADS. YOU WIPE YOUR HANDS ON THE NAPKIN (WHICH MIGHT EVEN BE IN YOUR LAP!!) INSTEAD OF ON YOUR JEANS. YOU PUT ON MAKEUP IN THE MORNING AND YOU STOP YELLING AT THE MAN WHO NEVER THANKS YOU FOR HOLDING THE DOOR FOR HIM. THE WORLD FEELS A BIT LIGHTER WHEN YOU'RE IN LIKE.

2. LOKE.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PHASE IN FALLING IN LOVE. IT'S THE PHASE MOST PEOPLE SKIP OVER, THROWING "I LOVE YOU" AT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER LIKE NINJAS THROW THOSE SHARP STAR THINGS THROUGH THE AIR (HES THE WOODEN BOARD THEY PIERCE). MY BEST FRIEND IN COLLEGE (GABRIELA, THIS IS WHERE YOUR CREDIT IS) INTRODUCED ME TO LOKE. SHE INVENTED THE TERM, SHE IS AN UTTER GENIUS.

LOKE IS WHEN THINGS GET MORE PERSONAL. HE MEETS YOUR FAMILY FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE TAKES YOU OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS MORE OFTEN. HE HOLDS YOUR HAND (IN PUBLIC!!) A LOT. YOU START TO FEEL MUSHY INSIDE LIKE MAYBE YOU DON'T MIND THE WAY HE SNORES IN HIS SLEEP. INSTEAD OF FALLING ASLEEP IMMEDIATELY YOU KIND OF CREEPILY STARE AT HIS EYELIDS AND WONDER WHAT HE'S DREAMING ABOUT. YOU THINK ABOUT BUYING HIM CLOTHES WHEN YOU'RE SHOPPING FOR YOURSELF AND YOU ARE SHOCKED YOU WOULD CONSIDER SPENDING MONEY ON SOMEONE ELSE. YOU START REFERRING TO HIM BY NAME INSTEAD OF "MY BOYFRIEND" BECAUSE NOW EVEN YOUR ACQUAINTANCES KNOW YOU'RE NOT SINGLE. LOKE IS BASICALLY THE HONEYMOON PHASE IN ANY ENTRY RELATIONSHIP. THE SEX IS GREAT, YOU'RE MONOGAMOUS, YOU'RE SO HAPPY!! YOU DON'T FIGHT!! HE BRINGS YOU GIFTS!! HE NEVER CANCELS DATE NIGHT!! HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND IS JEALOUS!! HE POSTED AN INSTAGRAM OF YOU AND HIM!! YOU HAVE SOME OF HIS LAUNDRY IN YOUR LAUNDRY BAG!! YOU'RE STARTING TO GET COMFORTABLE SHARING A BED!! YOUR CAT DOESN'T HIDE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE DOOR!! THINGS ARE SO DAMN GOOD - BUT YOU'RE JUST NOT READY FOR THE "I LOVE YOU". EMBRACE THIS PHASE!! THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE PHASE. YOU HAVE A NEW FRIEND AND A NEW LOVER WHOM YOU DON'T ARGUE WITH.

3. LOVE.

YOU SAID I LOVE YOU. NOW YOU'RE ARGUING. THE DISHES ARE DIRTY, THE TOILET SEAT IS UP, THERE IS NO MORE DAMN TOILET PAPER ANYWHERE!! HIS HAIR IS IN THE SHOWER DRAIN, CLOGGING THE TUB. HIS DIRTY SOCKS ARE LIKE EVERYWHERE. HE DOESN'T MAKE ROOM FOR YOUR DOG IN THE BED. HE LEAVES TEA BAGS EVERYWHERE AND SITS BARE-ASSED ON YOUR WHITE SOFA (I HOPE SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD MY SEX AND THE CITY REFERENCE HERE).

THIS IS GREAT TOO. HE'S RELEASED HIMSELF UPON YOU LIKE THOSE DOVES AT WEDDINGS - IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND SCARY AS SHIT. IT'S NOT ALWAYS WELCOMED, BUT IT IS GREAT BEING ABLE TO PEE WITH THE DOOR OPEN AND CONFESS TO PMS AND STILL HAVE A HEALTHY SEX LIFE. ITS GREAT TO STOP SHAVING YOUR LEGS LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY BECAUSE THE STUBBLE IS WHATEVER WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE. YOUR PARENTS HAVE ADDED HIM ON FACEBOOK OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT CONFIRMS HE HAS TO COME TO THANKSGIVING AND MEET YOUR INSANE UNCLE FROM TEXAS AND YOUR STEP-AUNT WHO FLASHES PEOPLE. HE LEARNS YOUR SECRETS AND SURPRISINGLY CAN KEEP THEM QUITE WELL. "I LOVE YOU" IS SO TERRIFYING BECAUSE YOU'RE OPENING YOUR SOUL TO SOMEONE WHO HAS THE COMPLETE CAPABILITY OF REJECTING IT LIKE OLD CHINA FROM YOUR GRANDMOTHER WHO PASSED AWAY THAT NO ONE WANTS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATCH THE MID-CENTURY MODERN LOOK YOU'RE GOING FOR IN YOUR NEW CONDO.

THE WEIRDEST THING IS THAT LOVE PROGRESSES OVER TIME. THE SEX GETS BETTER. HE NOW STARTS TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN. SOMETIMES HE MAY EVEN MAKE YOU DINNER. HE FOLDS YOUR INTIMATES!! (ANOTHER MOVIE REFERENCE. ANYONE?) YOU COME HOME AND HES NAPPING WITH YOUR DOG - DROOL ON DROOL, SNORE ON SNORE.

ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS IN THE UNIVERSE IS OPENING YOURSELF UP TO LOVE. I AM ENDLESSLY IMPRESSED WITH MYSELF FOR ACCEPTING LOVE WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO BROKEN SO MANY TIMES. LOVE IS A GIANT FEAT, AND PERHAPS THE MOST EXHILARATING. IF YOU'RE NOT FEELING THE LOVE, GIVE IT OUT.

"PEOPLE JUST NEED A LITTLE HELP BECAUSE THEY ARE SO USED TO NOT LOVING. IT'S LIKE SCORING THE CLAY TO MAKE ANOTHER PIECE OF CLAY STICK TO IT."