I THINK I AM CAPABLE OF MURDER.
SOMETIMES I FANTASIZE ABOUT BUYING LOUBOUTIN STILETTO HEELS. OTHER TIMES I FANTASIZE ABOUT THOSE STILETTO HEELS PUNCTURING HIS THROAT WITH ONE SWIFT STEP TO HIS ADAMS APPLE - RED BOTTOMS FROM RED RUM.
I WAS DRUNK BUT THAT IS NO EXCUSE. IT'S HIS FAULT. I REPEAT THIS TO MYSELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN MY HEAD - IT'S HIS FAULT.
NORMAL MALE BEHAVIOR IS THE WAY HE GRABBED MY WAIST AND KISSED ME HARD BEHIND THE BACK WALL AT THE BAR. ABNORMAL MALE BEHAVIOR IS HOLDING A DRUNK NINETEEN YEAR OLD GIRL DOWN TO THE MATTRESS BY HER WRISTS.
I CRIED THE WHOLE TIME AND HE NEVER STOPPED.
I STILL CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO ADMIT WHAT HE DID TO ME. THE WORD IS HARSH AND DIRTY IN MY MOUTH LIKE LICKING THE BOTTOMS OF BARE FEET.
I THINK I AM CAPABLE OF MURDER.
I AM IN LOVE. I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE FOR FOUR LONG TERRIBLE BEAUTIFUL YEARS.
HE DROVE TO MANHATTAN AS SOON AS I TOLD HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED. WE WERE EXCLUSIVE AT THE TIME. I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE'D EVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP WITH ME AGAIN - OR IF I'D EVER WANT TO.
HE TURNED ON THE SHOWER - MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD. HE TURNED THE DIAL TO PAINFULLY HOT - MY FAVORITE TEMPERATURE. HE STOOD ACROSS FROM ME AND PULLED THE PONY FROM MY HAIR. HE GENTLY LIFTED MY SHIRT OVER MY POUNDING HEAD. HE STRUGGLED WITH MY BRA STRAPS LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES. HE UNZIPPED MY PANTS AND DROPPED THEM TO THE FLOOR. HE PULLED DOWN MY UNDIES AND LET THEM FALL TO THE FLOOR.
HE DIDN'T TOUCH ME.
HE SWIFTLY GOT UNDRESSED HIMSELF AND SAT WITH ME IN THE SHOWER BENEATH THE BRUTALLY HOT WATER. WE DIDN'T TALK. I CRIED SILENT TEARS - THE WORST KIND OF TEARS - ASHAMED STILLNESS.
HE FILLED MY LOOFA WITH SOAP. THE SOAP SMELLED OF FRESH RAIN. HE WASHED MY PALE NAKED BODY FROM HEAD TO TOE, COVERING ME IN NEW BEGINNINGS. HE SCRUBBED MY BLOND HAIR WITH SOAP, CAREFULLY AVOIDING MY BLUE EYES. HE HELD ME CONSTANTLY, SLIPPERY AND SOAKING WET. HE RINSED ME AND WATCHED THE HOT WATER TURN MY SKIN BRIGHT RED - THE WAY I LIKED TO BECOME CLEAN.
I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG WE STOOD IN THAT SMALL MANHATTAN SHOWER. IT WAS SILENT AND I WAS AT PEACE.
HE TURNED OFF THE WATER. HE WRAPPED ME IN A BLEACH STAINED TOWEL AND LET MY HAIR DRIP DOWN MY SPLOTCHY BACK.
HE CARRIED ME TO BED AND HELD ME IN HIS ARMS. OUR SKIN COLORS WERE SO BEAUTIFUL TOGETHER, A PALE MOONLIGHT WHITE AND A DEEP SMOOTH MILK CHOCOLATE.
I SLEPT AND HE STAYED.
I AM IN LOVE. I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE FOR FOUR LONG TERRIBLE BEAUTIFUL YEARS.