THE FIRST THING I NOTICED WAS THAT HE HAD A REALLY GREAT BUTT. ONE MIGHT SAY A PERFECT ASS. LOOKING AT HIS BUTT WAS PAINFUL BECAUSE I WANTED TO GRAB IT SO BADLY. I COULD BARELY FOCUS AT WORK WHEN HE WORE JEANS. MY EYES WERE GLUED TO HIS DERRIÈRE.
HE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN I'VE EVER BEEN BLESSED TO BE AROUND. HE'S TALL AND HANDSOME, FROM SOMEWHERE IN NEW MEXICO AND IS THE EPITOME OF DOUBLE RL. I DIDN'T THINK I HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM - AFTER ALL HE WROTE MY NAME DOWN IN HIS NOTEBOOK NEXT TO THE DESCRIPTION 'BLOND' IN ORDER TO REMEMBER WHICH INTERN I WAS.
I LOOKED FORWARD TO EACH DAY IN HOPES THAT WE WOULD EXCHANGE SOME LAME WORDS ABOUT VINTAGE AMERICAN FLAGS OR HORSE PHOTOGRAPHS. I WAS INTERNING FOR RALPH LAUREN'S INTERIOR DESIGN TEAM WHICH WAS MY CHILDHOOD DREAM. I DON'T USUALLY GO FOR TALL TAN AND HANDSOME BUT LET ME TELL YOU HE MADE ME WEAK IN THE KNEES WITH JUST ONE LOOK.
I GOT HIS PHONE NUMBER BY STALKING HIM ON INSTAGRAM AND SENDING HIM A DIRECT MESSAGE OF SOME HEINOUS VINTAGE FLANNEL SAYING IT REMINDED ME OF HIM. HE RESPONDED POLITELY AND I HOUNDED FOR HIS NUMBER.
I FELL HARD, FAST. I TEXTED HIM ALL THROUGH MY SUMMER BREAK WILLFULLY IGNORING HIS LACK OF INTEREST. THEN I MOVED FROM MANHATTAN TO BROOKLYN AND FROM COLLEGE STUDENT TO GRADUATE. THE NEXT DAY I WAS ON MY WAY TO GET GROCERIES IN BUSHWICK WHEN I SAW HIM TURNING THE DOOR KNOB FIVE APARTMENTS DOWN FROM MINE. IT WAS FATE.
HE TOOK ME TO DRINKS AT BASIK AND I GOT A RUM AND COKE. IT WAS PAST 9PM AND I KNEW IT WAS A BOOTY CALL. I HAPPILY ACCEPTED AND TEXTED MY FELLOW RL INTERN SAYING "WE ARE GOING FOR DRINKS, IT'S HAPPENING. IF I CAN SNEAK A PICTURE, I WILL."
WE PACKED HIS BOWL AND I TRIED NOT TO LAUGH. HIS ROOM WAS ALMOST IRONIC - VINTAGE CARVINGS AND QUILTS DRAPED ACROSS LEATHER TUFTED CLUB CHAIRS. IT LOOKED LIKE IT CAME RIGHT OUT OF A RALPH LAUREN ADVERTISEMENT. THE ONLY THING OUT OF PLACE WAS THE POT.
WE MADE OUT FOR A WHILE. HE'S A GREAT KISSER AND HIS FACIAL HAIR TRULY MADE ME WEAK. HE WAS SOFT BUT HARD - I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT - MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I.
HE HAD EXPRESSED DURING DRINKS THAT HE USED TO FANTASIZE ABOUT BENDING ME OVER THE COPY MACHINE AND FUCKING ME IN THE OFFICE. MY FANTASIES HAD INCLUDED ROMANTIC GET-AWAYS AND HAND-HOLDING BUT CLOSE ENOUGH.
I KNEW HE'D LIKE MY BODY. HE'S THE TYPE OF GUY TO LIKE CURVY WOMEN - SPECIFICALLY SITTING ON HIS FACE. I WAS HAPPY TO OBLIGE.
THINGS GOT STRANGE WHEN CLOTHES STARTED TO COME OFF. HE ATTENDED TO ME VIGOROUSLY AND THEN WOULD RANDOMLY JUMP UP OUT OF BED MID FOREPLAY. ONE MINUTE HE'D BE EATING ME OUT, NEXT MINUTE HE WAS POINTING OUT THE HAND-STITCHING ON A NATIVE AMERICAN-MADE QUILT. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE SITUATION BUT AFTER FIVE INTERRUPTIONS I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER. I DON'T THINK I EVER GOT AN ANSWER.
I FAKED AN ORGASM TO PLEASE HIM. I FIGURED THIS WOULD SATISFY HIM AND THINGS WOULD PROGRESS.
WRONG.
HE THOUGHT HE HIT JACKPOT AND MIGHT AS WELL GRACE ME WITH A COUPLE MORE ORGASMS BEFORE ACTUAL SEX.
I FAKED A TOTAL OF SOMETHING LIKE FIFTEEN ORGASMS IN ATTEMPT TO JUST GET HIM TO LEAVE MY POOR VAGINA ALONE. I TRULY FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE DONE A DISSERVICE TO MY FELLOW LADIES BECAUSE OF THIS. HE PROBABLY THINKS HE IS THE KING OF VAGINA TOWN WHEN IN REALITY I THINK I DESERVE AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST REPEATED FAKE ORGASMS.
WHEN WE FINALLY GOT AROUND TO HAVING ACTUAL SEX, I WAS BORED. I WAS BORED BECAUSE HE WAS AVERAGE SIZED AND AVERAGELY CREATIVE. HIS DICK WAS STRANGE IN THE SENSE THAT IT WAS ALMOST DETACHED AT THE BASE BY LIKE AN INCH. IT MADE HIM HAVE TO AIM REALLY HARD TO GET IT IN AND MADE ME THINK ABOUT THOSE REMOTE CONTROL CARS THAT ALWAYS JAM INTO WALLS ON THEIR JOURNEYS.
I THINK MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT THE EVENING WAS FALLING ASLEEP IN HIS ARMS. HE IS MAN SIZED AND HIS FACIAL HAIR TICKLED THE BACK OF MY NECK. HE WAS VERY LOVING AND CUDDLY AND BY GOLLY I DESERVED IT! I REALLY HOPE HE ISN'T READING THIS. HE STILL LIVES DOWN THE STREET FROM ME AND I WOULD HATE TO HAVE A BAG OF FLAMING POOP ON MY DOORSTEP TOMORROW.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS - GO FOR THE FUNNY LOOKING, SILLY ONES. IT'S THE BEAUTIFUL ONES WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCK YOU RIGHT.