I SHOWED UP AT HIS APARTMENT WITH 3 OUT OF 10 TOENAILS PAINTED RED, AND WET HAIR. I HAD READ THREE CHAPTERS OF MY NEW CHUCK PALAHNIUK BOOK DURING THE COMMUTE WHICH CONSISTS OF TAKING THE L TRAIN UP AND OUT OF BROOKLYN AND THEN BACK DOWN TO THE LOWER EAST SIDE.
I ALWAYS ALWAYS GET OUT OF THE TRAIN ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET. I CURSE TO MYSELF - I REALLY SHOULD HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT BY NOW. HIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS LIVELY AND I ENJOY THE SHORT WALK TO HIS FRONT STEPS. I PASS THE OVERPRICED COFFEE SHOP WHERE I GET BITTER ICED COFFEE MOST MORNINGS POST-SEX AND SMILE AT THE BARISTA.
HE LIVES ON THE FIFTH FLOOR OF A WALK-UP - A SERIOUS COMMITMENT FOR A LAZY LADY LIKE ME. BY THE TIME I GET TO HIS DOOR I'M SWEATY AND VERY IRRITATED. HE ALWAYS GREETS ME NICELY.
HE HAS THE SAME NAME AS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS. EVERYONE GETS THEM CONFUSED WHENEVER I'M RECOUNTING STORIES. THEY DON'T LOOK ALIKE, THOUGH, AND HE DOESN'T HAVE AS MUCH PATIENCE WITH ME AS MY FRIEND DOES. REGARDLESS, I'M VERY FOND OF THEM BOTH.
THERE ARE LOTS OF ASIANS IN HIS APARTMENT BUILDING. THEY ALWAYS LEAVE THEIR DOORS OPEN AND THE CLIMB UPWARDS FEELS LIKE AN ART GALLERY - PEEKING INTO THE LIVES OF DELANCEY STREET. THE HALLWAY ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE FISH AND THE NEWS IS ON IN EVERY APARTMENT. AS MY VERTICAL CLIMB CONTINUES, SMALL ASIAN CHILDREN SIZE ME UP THROUGH SKINNY DOORWAYS. THE THEORY IS, THESE FAMILIES ARE RUNNING ASIAN SEAMLESS FOOD EMPIRES OUT OF THEIR BEDROOMS. I HAVE ADJUSTED TO THE WORDLESS STARES OF THE BUILDING'S TENANTS.
HIS DOOR IS BLACK AND I KNOCK AFTER CATCHING MY BREATH. I GREET HIM WITH MY EYES DOWN AND SLIP INTO HIS LIVING ROOM TO DROP MY PURSE AND BOOK ON HIS COUCH. WE SIT. HE MAKES EYE CONTACT, I DON'T. WE TALK ABOUT NOTHING - MAYBE THE WEATHER OR HIS JOB. HE KNOWS HE HAS TO WARM ME UP, KIND OF LIKE LETTING A DOG SNIFF YOUR HAND BEFORE REACHING TO PET IT. I'M NON-RESPONSIVE AT FIRST OUT OF PURE SHYNESS. I BLUSH A LOT AS HE PACKS A BOWL OR PASSES ME A JOINT. WE SMOKE POLITELY AND THEN I TALK. I TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY JOB SEARCH AND THE MOON AND HOW JOJO IS MAKING A COME BACK AND DID HE KNOW WHAT MARSHMALLOWS ARE MADE OF? WHAT'S HIS SIGN? HOW OLD IS HIS BOTHER? HOW MUCH IS HIS RENT? WHAT TRAIN DOES HE TAKE TO WORK? HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT PLUTO NOT BEING A PLANET? WHY DID HIS MOM BUY HIM THOSE BOXER BRIEFS?
NEXT THING I KNOW I'VE MOVED INTO THE BEDROOM AND HE'S KISSING ME. HIS KISSES ARE SOFT AND HIS STEADY EYE CONTACT IS GREETED BY MY HEAVY EYELIDS. I FEEL DRUGGED WITH WARMNESS AND THE NEED TO BE TOUCHED. I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YET I'M TINGLY ALL OVER. THE WEED HAS MADE ME FORGET EARTH AND GRAVITY AND SHOOTING STARS AND HE KNOWS TO REMIND ME EXACTLY WHERE I AM.
I FEEL SAFE. HE COMPLIMENTS MY TRANSLUCENT SKIN AND THE WAY MY BANGS ARE CURLING AROUND MY FOREHEAD. HE TRACES MY LIPS WITH HIS THUMB AND I CLOSE MY EYES.
THE FIRST TIME WE MET HIS HAIR WAS SHORTER. WHAT HE LACKS IN STUNNING GOOD LOOKS HE MAKES UP FOR WITH PERSONALITY. HE'S OUTGOING AND EXTROVERTED - TWO THINGS THAT FRIGHTEN ME TO MY CORE. NATURALLY, I WANTED TO HATE HIM. I IMMEDIATELY PUT MY GUARD UP AND GOT AGGRESSIVE. I DRANK AND LISTENED TO HIS OPINIONS AND THEN I ARGUED. DEEP DOWN I WANTED TO KNOW HIM, SO I AGREED TO ANOTHER BAR. IT WAS AN OUTDOOR ROOFTOP BAR AND THE AIR FELT COOL ON MY SKIN. THE LIGHTS WERE LOW AND MY DRINK WAS FIZZY AND TINGLED MY LIPS. HIS HAND WAS ON MY THIGH AND MY FOOT WAS TOUCHING HIS. I TOLD HIM TO TAKE ME HOME. THERE WAS MONEY ON THE TABLE AND HIS HAND ON MY WAIST AND WE WERE GONE.
WE DECIDED TO SMOKE POT. I GOT TOO COCKY. I SMOKED THE BONG LIKE A BOWL AND ENDED UP IN A DEEP DEEP STATE OF NUCLEAR CONTEMPLATION. I KNEW HE WAS TALKING BUT I COULDN'T HEAR HIM. MY FOREARMS AND HANDS WERE NUMB PAST THE BONES. THE WORLD WAS MOVING IN SLOW MOTION AND I KNEW I WAS DEAD. I SHOOK HIM AND ASKED HIM TO WAKE ME UP. I DOVE INTO THE STORY ABOUT MY NIGHT TERRORS, HOW I KNOW I'M ASLEEP BUT I MUST WAKE UP AND I CAN'T. I'M PARALYZED BY FEAR AND PARANOID. I STARE AT MY HANDS, ATTEMPTING TO MOVE THEM. THEY WON'T MOVE. I ASK HIM TO WAKE ME UP AGAIN, PLEASE, THERE IS A DEMON CONTROLLING MY SPAGHETTI ARMS.
HE TELLS ME, "ENJOY IT, YOURE JUST REALLY HIGH."
"NO, I CAN'T IN FACT ENJOY THIS. CAN WE PLEASE COLOR?"
"COLOR?" HE ASKS, "OH I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE SOME COLORED PENCILS."
I ASK HIM TO DRAW ME A PICTURE OF A DRAGON THAT I CAN COLOR IN. HE DRAWS AN AMAZING DRAGON AND I ASK HIM IF HE'S REAL. HE LAUGHS AND I DOODLE OUR NAMES ON A PIECE OF PAPER, ASKING TO ORDER A PIZZA.
THE PIZZA COMES BUT WE ALREADY HAD MIND-BLOWING SEX. I GORGE ON THE CHEESEY PIE AND THEN SLIP BACK INTO HIS ARMS. AT THIS MOMENT I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE MET SOMEONE WHO EXISTS ON MY WAVELENGTH. SOMETIMES I MEET PEOPLE FROM MARS BUT I THINK HE'S FROM VENUS LIKE ME AND WE ARE KINDRED SOULS.
WE HOOK UP FOR FOUR MONTHS, ON AND OFF. I SPEND COUNTLESS HOURS IN HIS APARTMENT EATING GRILLED CHEESE ON HIS COUCH, SLEEPING IN HIS AIR CONDITIONED BED, WATCHING BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY, DANCING TO THE BEACH BOYS IN MY UNDERWEAR AND T-SHIRT, AND HAVING THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE. I CAN'T STAY AWAY FROM HIM AND SOMETIMES HE NEEDS HIS SPACE. I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT GIVE AND TAKE - AND THAT A COMMITMENT OR A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP ISN'T ALWAYS WHAT I NEED FROM A MAN. SOMETIMES PERIODIC SEX AND DEEP CONVERSATION ARE ENOUGH TO HOLD ME OVER FOR ANOTHER WEEK.
I LIKE TO BE ALONE. I LIKE TO HEAR THE SILENCE AROUND ME AND NOT FEEL THE PRESSURE OF CONVERSATION OR THE OBLIGATION TO ENTERTAIN. HOWEVER, I HATE TO BE LONELY. I HATE THE WAY MY MIND ROLLS DOWN HILLS AND HOW MY SKIN FEELS NEGLECTED AND MY BODY CURLS UP INTO ITSELF LIKE AN ARMADILLO.
THE NICEST THING ABOUT HIM IS HOW HE LIFTS ME UP WHEN I'M FEELING DOWN. HE IS THE FIRST MAN WHO DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M LACKING SOMETHING IMPORTANT. HE FLATTERS ME, COMPLIMENTS ME, MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A GOOD PERSON. I LIKE WHEN WE SIT ON HIS COUCH AFTER SEX AND HE LAYS HIS BARE FEET ACROSS MY LAP AND WE LAUGH ABOUT LIFE AND ROOMMATES, OUR CRAZY AWESOME SEX AND HOW WE CAME AT THE SAME EXACT TIME. WE GET SOFT AND LET EACH OTHER KNOW THAT WE ARE IMPORTANT TO EACH OTHER, IN WAYS PERHAPS UNEXPLAINABLE BUT ENDLESSLY IMPORTANT.
I'M HAPPY TO HAVE GAINED SUCH A GENUINE FRIEND. I TRUST HIM WITH MY BODY AND MY INSECURITIES. MY STRETCH MARKS AND MY NAKEDNESS - MY VULNERABILITY. HE HOLDS THIS IN HIS HANDS SO SOFTLY AND I APPRECIATE HIS TENDERNESS TO ME. I THINK I HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN HIS HARD-TO-READ HEART AND I KNOW HE HAS ONE IN MINE. I'M GLAD I TOOK A CHANCE AND LET HIM OPEN ME UP TO BEAUTIFUL THINGS I HAD YET TO DISCOVER.
FOR NOW I AM AT PEACE WITH OUR CASUAL ROMANCE. SOME DAYS COME WHEN I WANT MORE FROM HIM. IN THESE DAYS I STEP BACK AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE REALITY OF OUR SITUATION. SOMETIMES I GET SAD, KNOWING SOMEDAY THIS IS GOING TO HAVE TO END. THE END GOAL IS NOT TO HURT EACH OTHER AND I KNOW WHEN HE FINDS SOMEONE MORE PERMANENT I WILL BE HAPPY FOR HIM. I KNOW I CANNOT KEEP HIM IN MY POCKET FOREVER AND MY HEART FEELS HEAVY UPON THIS REALIZATION. I DO HOPE HE IS A LIFELONG ACQUAINTANCE, AS HE IS SOMEONE I KNOW I CAN TRUST. I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHY I'M NOT THE TYPE OF WOMAN HE SEES HIMSELF WITH LONG-TERM. FEELINGS ARE WEIRD AND IT'S EMBARRASSING TO KNOW I'M TEMPORARY.
I GUESS WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO LIKE SOMEONE YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH. EVENTUALLY YOUR HEART GETS IN THE WAY. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR HIS HEART BEAT AFTER SEX AND KEEP MYSELF WORLDS AWAY. FOR NOW, HE IS EXCITING AND PASSIONATE ABOUT LIFE AND ABOUT ME IN A WAY THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY. EVENTUALLY I KNOW THIS WILL NOT BE ENOUGH TO SATISFY ME.
ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END, RIGHT?