LOKE

LIFE IS MORE PRODUCTIVE WHEN YOUR BED IS MADE. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR SWEATERS CAN BE ON THE FLOOR AND THE SHOES THAT YOU THREW UP ON ON SATURDAY CAN STILL BE PUKE STAINED, BUT IF YOUR BED IS MADE YOU'RE 65% OF THE WAY THERE. IT'S COMPARABLE TO FEELING MEDIOCRE PHYSICALLY AND THEN SHAVING YOUR LEGS AND LOTIONING THEM, OR PERHAPS COMPARABLE TO FEELING STRESSED AND THEN LIGHTING A CANDLE. 65% IS A GREAT PERCENT OF SHIT TO HAVE TOGETHER. CURRENTLY, MY BED IS MADE, MY LEGS ARE SHAVED AND LOTIONED, AND I HAVE A CANDLE BURNING SO I'M 195% SET.

WHEN YOU GROW UP - A LITTLE, I WOULDN'T CALL MYSELF AN ADULT BY ANY MEANS - THINGS START TO FALL INTO PLACE. STEADY JOBS WITH GOOD PAYCHECKS, FABULOUS APARTMENTS IN BUSHWICK, DATES WITH CUTE BOYS (WHO MAKE LESS THAN YOU BUT AT LEAST THEY'RE MAKING SOMETHING NOW), EVEN YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCES GET LESS WEIRD. ADMITTING YOUR SEXUAL DEVIANCES IS LESS SWEAT-WORTHY LIKE, OH, YOU LIKE SUCKING TOES? THAT'S FINE, I'VE DEALT WITH OBJECTUM SEXUALIS (CASUALLY ATTRACTED TO YOUR TOASTER OVEN? ANY KIND OF INANIMATE OBJECT? OBJECTUM SEXUALIS).

THINGS KIND OF EVEN OUT LIKE THE WAY CHOCOLATE SAUCE COVERS VANILLA ICE CREAM. YOU START GETTING COMFORTABLE IN THE LIFE YOU ARE LEADING, YOUR BODY, YOUR INNER MONOLOGUE BECOMES MORE LIKE A DEAR FRIEND INSTEAD OF AN INTRUDER. THERE IS ONE THING, THOUGH, THAT NO ONE IS COMFORTABLE WITH: FALLING IN LOVE.

WHEN IS " TOO SOON"? IS IT REALLY LOVE OR IS IT JUST LUST? FRIENDSHIP? TRUST? PRESSURE FROM YOUR FAMILY TO HAVE BABIES AND STOP ROLLING AROUND IN YOUR OWN DIRT?

MAYBE IF WE UNDERSTOOD THE PHASES OF LOVE, THINGS WOULD BE LESS COMPLICATED.

1. LIKE.

WE ALL KNOW WHAT LIKE IS LIKE. (LIKE LIKE?? LIKE???) IT'S A CRUSH, THE HEART LEAPING, BUTTERFLIES, NERVOUS POOPS FEELING. THE ANXIETY WAITING FOR TEXTS AND ATTENTION, THE UTTER RELEASE WHEN FINALLY RECEIVING THEM. YOU STOP BEING SO CYNICAL. YOU NOTICE YOUR FOCUS ON WORK IS SLIPPING. THE BARISTA BOY AT STARBUCKS IS LESS CUTE. THE FREE COFFEE IS LESS CHARMING. YOU'RE FINDING UNRELATED OPPORTUNITIES TO BRING UP YOUR CRUSHES' NAME IN CONVERSATION. SOME RANDOM GIRL COMMENTS ON HIS INSTAGRAM POST AND YOU FIND YOURSELF STALKING HER (TOO CREEPY? I'VE DEFINITELY DONE IT). YOU'RE GOING ON DINNER DATES AND ORDERING EASY-TO-EAT THINGS INSTEAD OF MASSIVE MOUTH FILLING BURGERS OR DAMN THE IMPOSSIBLE LARGE LEAFED SALADS. YOU WIPE YOUR HANDS ON THE NAPKIN (WHICH MIGHT EVEN BE IN YOUR LAP!!) INSTEAD OF ON YOUR JEANS. YOU PUT ON MAKEUP IN THE MORNING AND YOU STOP YELLING AT THE MAN WHO NEVER THANKS YOU FOR HOLDING THE DOOR FOR HIM. THE WORLD FEELS A BIT LIGHTER WHEN YOU'RE IN LIKE.

2. LOKE.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PHASE IN FALLING IN LOVE. IT'S THE PHASE MOST PEOPLE SKIP OVER, THROWING "I LOVE YOU" AT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER LIKE NINJAS THROW THOSE SHARP STAR THINGS THROUGH THE AIR (HES THE WOODEN BOARD THEY PIERCE). MY BEST FRIEND IN COLLEGE (GABRIELA, THIS IS WHERE YOUR CREDIT IS) INTRODUCED ME TO LOKE. SHE INVENTED THE TERM, SHE IS AN UTTER GENIUS.

LOKE IS WHEN THINGS GET MORE PERSONAL. HE MEETS YOUR FAMILY FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE TAKES YOU OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS MORE OFTEN. HE HOLDS YOUR HAND (IN PUBLIC!!) A LOT. YOU START TO FEEL MUSHY INSIDE LIKE MAYBE YOU DON'T MIND THE WAY HE SNORES IN HIS SLEEP. INSTEAD OF FALLING ASLEEP IMMEDIATELY YOU KIND OF CREEPILY STARE AT HIS EYELIDS AND WONDER WHAT HE'S DREAMING ABOUT. YOU THINK ABOUT BUYING HIM CLOTHES WHEN YOU'RE SHOPPING FOR YOURSELF AND YOU ARE SHOCKED YOU WOULD CONSIDER SPENDING MONEY ON SOMEONE ELSE. YOU START REFERRING TO HIM BY NAME INSTEAD OF "MY BOYFRIEND" BECAUSE NOW EVEN YOUR ACQUAINTANCES KNOW YOU'RE NOT SINGLE. LOKE IS BASICALLY THE HONEYMOON PHASE IN ANY ENTRY RELATIONSHIP. THE SEX IS GREAT, YOU'RE MONOGAMOUS, YOU'RE SO HAPPY!! YOU DON'T FIGHT!! HE BRINGS YOU GIFTS!! HE NEVER CANCELS DATE NIGHT!! HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND IS JEALOUS!! HE POSTED AN INSTAGRAM OF YOU AND HIM!! YOU HAVE SOME OF HIS LAUNDRY IN YOUR LAUNDRY BAG!! YOU'RE STARTING TO GET COMFORTABLE SHARING A BED!! YOUR CAT DOESN'T HIDE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE DOOR!! THINGS ARE SO DAMN GOOD - BUT YOU'RE JUST NOT READY FOR THE "I LOVE YOU". EMBRACE THIS PHASE!! THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE PHASE. YOU HAVE A NEW FRIEND AND A NEW LOVER WHOM YOU DON'T ARGUE WITH.

3. LOVE.

YOU SAID I LOVE YOU. NOW YOU'RE ARGUING. THE DISHES ARE DIRTY, THE TOILET SEAT IS UP, THERE IS NO MORE DAMN TOILET PAPER ANYWHERE!! HIS HAIR IS IN THE SHOWER DRAIN, CLOGGING THE TUB. HIS DIRTY SOCKS ARE LIKE EVERYWHERE. HE DOESN'T MAKE ROOM FOR YOUR DOG IN THE BED. HE LEAVES TEA BAGS EVERYWHERE AND SITS BARE-ASSED ON YOUR WHITE SOFA (I HOPE SOMEONE UNDERSTOOD MY SEX AND THE CITY REFERENCE HERE).

THIS IS GREAT TOO. HE'S RELEASED HIMSELF UPON YOU LIKE THOSE DOVES AT WEDDINGS - IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND SCARY AS SHIT. IT'S NOT ALWAYS WELCOMED, BUT IT IS GREAT BEING ABLE TO PEE WITH THE DOOR OPEN AND CONFESS TO PMS AND STILL HAVE A HEALTHY SEX LIFE. ITS GREAT TO STOP SHAVING YOUR LEGS LIKE EVERY SINGLE DAY BECAUSE THE STUBBLE IS WHATEVER WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE. YOUR PARENTS HAVE ADDED HIM ON FACEBOOK OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT CONFIRMS HE HAS TO COME TO THANKSGIVING AND MEET YOUR INSANE UNCLE FROM TEXAS AND YOUR STEP-AUNT WHO FLASHES PEOPLE. HE LEARNS YOUR SECRETS AND SURPRISINGLY CAN KEEP THEM QUITE WELL. "I LOVE YOU" IS SO TERRIFYING BECAUSE YOU'RE OPENING YOUR SOUL TO SOMEONE WHO HAS THE COMPLETE CAPABILITY OF REJECTING IT LIKE OLD CHINA FROM YOUR GRANDMOTHER WHO PASSED AWAY THAT NO ONE WANTS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATCH THE MID-CENTURY MODERN LOOK YOU'RE GOING FOR IN YOUR NEW CONDO.

THE WEIRDEST THING IS THAT LOVE PROGRESSES OVER TIME. THE SEX GETS BETTER. HE NOW STARTS TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN. SOMETIMES HE MAY EVEN MAKE YOU DINNER. HE FOLDS YOUR INTIMATES!! (ANOTHER MOVIE REFERENCE. ANYONE?) YOU COME HOME AND HES NAPPING WITH YOUR DOG - DROOL ON DROOL, SNORE ON SNORE.

ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS IN THE UNIVERSE IS OPENING YOURSELF UP TO LOVE. I AM ENDLESSLY IMPRESSED WITH MYSELF FOR ACCEPTING LOVE WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO BROKEN SO MANY TIMES. LOVE IS A GIANT FEAT, AND PERHAPS THE MOST EXHILARATING. IF YOU'RE NOT FEELING THE LOVE, GIVE IT OUT.

"PEOPLE JUST NEED A LITTLE HELP BECAUSE THEY ARE SO USED TO NOT LOVING. IT'S LIKE SCORING THE CLAY TO MAKE ANOTHER PIECE OF CLAY STICK TO IT."

A CONVERSATION: WORD FOR WORD.

THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE BETWEEN FITS OF HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.

C: "I WAS ABOUT TO, YOU KNOW, FINISH. IT WAS LIKE..."

*MAKES MEDIUM-LOUD, MEDIUM-LENGTH FART NOISE. WE ALL START LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY*

T: "WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER THAT?? LIKE OBVIOUSLY YOU COULDN'T FINISH, LIKE, AFTER THAT. THAT KINDA KILLS LIKE - IF YOU WERE ABOUT TO FINISH, THAT WAS KINDA LIKE, 'WELL THAT WAS INSTEAD'. THAT JUST TOOK THE PLACE OF IT."

H: "OOOOH GOD."

T: "WELL AT LEAST ITS LIKE, STILL SOME KIND OF RELEASE."

C: "OH YEAH, AND IT WAS LIKE, IN THE MORNING - SOBER - DAYLIGHT..."

T: "WAIT... THE FART?!"

C: "...EYE CONTACT. THERE WAS EYE CONTACT AND I FARTED."

T: "OH MY GOD. WHAT POSITION WERE YOU IN THAT MADE YOU FART?!"

C: "JUST LIKE... HE'S LIKE... YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S... NOT LIKE... WELL HE WAS LIKE... UPRIGHT AND YOU'RE DOWN? LIKE A NINETY DEGREE ANGLE? THAT'S THE POSITION BUT LIKE... I WAS LOOKING UP AND UM... AND THEN I LIKE - "

S: "WAIT, SO LIKE, DID YOU HAVE YOUR KNEES PULLED UP INTO YOUR CHEST OR SOMETHING?? HE WAS FUCKING YOU AT A RIGHT ANGLE AND YOU FARTED??"

T: "THAT SEEMS LIKE THE LEAST LIKELY POSITION FOR A FART TO JUST SLIP OUT."

H: "WAIT WAIT WAIT... HE WAS STANDING OR LAYING??"

C: "NO, HE WAS LIKE ON HIS KNEES, LIKE THIS-"

*PROCEEDS TO KNEEL ON MY APARTMENT FLOOR*

C: "-AND YOU'RE LIKE-"

S: "WAIT IS HIS PENIS, LIKE, THAT FAR OFF THE GROUND??"

C: "THAT'S JUST MY BODY. HE LIKE LIFTED MY BUTT."

S: "OOOH. BUT LIKE... IS HIS PENIS THAT LONG?"

* C PROCEEDS TO DEMONSTRATE POSITIONING WITH DIFFICULTY FOR THREE MORE MINUTES *

T: "WHAT WAS THE SOUND THOUGH..? JUST..."
C: "OKAY, READY? IT WAS LIKE A -"

*IS LAYING ON HER BACK IN SPECIFIED POSITIONING, KNEES PULLED BACK*

C: "YEAH HE WAS LIKE THIS AND I WAS LIKE THIS, LIKE LOOSER, AND NOW IMAGINE EYE CONTACT.."

*MANEUVERS HANDS IN THE AIR DEMONSTRATING THE CONTACT MADE BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM. MAKES LONG, LOUD FARTING NOISE. DISSOLVE INTO LAUGHTER.*

H: "OH GOD I THINK I PEED A LITTLE."

S: "DID IT SMELL?!"

C: "NO, THANK GOD, IT DIDN'T SMELL. I TURNED MY HEAD AND CLOSED MY EYES. SILENT. NO LAUGHTER. NOTHING. SILENT. AND THEN HE FINISHED LIKE, FIVE MINUTES LATER."

T: "WELL GOOD FOR HIM! HE DIDN'T MIND IT."

C: "OH GOD. WELL I'M GLAD WE CLEARED THAT UP."

TOO SOON?

YOU MET A NEW GUY. HIS NAME IS... JAMES.

JAMES TAKES YOU OUT FOR DINNER IN WILLIAMSBURG. HE HAS A RESERVATION FOR TWO AT A PRIME TABLE BY THE WINDOW NEXT TO THE STREET. IT'S DARK OUTSIDE BUT YOU CAN STILL SEE THE SILHOUETTES OF COUPLES PASSING BY HOLDING HANDS. THERE IS A DOG PEEING ON A TREE. YOUR MIND STARTS TO WANDER AND YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT YOUR FAT WIENER DOG WHEN THE WAITER COMES OVER WITH WATER. YOU SNAP YOUR ATTENTION BACK TO JAMES.

HE'S HANDSOME. HE HAS A JOB IN THE FINANCIAL DISTRICT DOING SOMETHING YOU PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND. YOU LIKE THAT HE KNOWS THINGS YOU DON'T - IT TURNS YOU ON TO KNOW HE COULD TAKE CARE OF YOUR FINANCIALS... IF IT EVER CAME TO THAT. HE IS POLITE. HE ASKS YOU ABOUT YOUR DAY, YOUR FRIENDS, AND YOUR JOB.

WINE COMES TO YOUR TABLE AND YOU FEEL TINGLY BUTTERFLIES IN YOUR STOMACH WHEN HIS GREEN EYES MEET YOURS. YOU ORDER YOUR MEAL. THE FOOD IS RELATIVELY EXPENSIVE AND YOU WONDER HOW MUCH MONEY HE MAKES. HE BROUGHT YOU TO A RESTAURANT WITH GREAT ITALIAN FOOD - YOUR FAVORITE. YOU MAKE NOTE OF HIS GOOD MEMORY. YOU DISCUSS YOUR FAVORITE BOOKS. HE IS CAPABLE OF GREAT CONVERSATION.

YOU SPEND SOME TIME QUIETLY OBSERVING HIS MANNERISMS. HE HAS TAN, MANLY HANDS AND DOESN'T BITE HIS FINGER NAILS. HIS FOREARMS LOOK STRONG AND VEIN-Y - A PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTIC YOU ADMIRE. YOU'RE WINE TIPSY AND SMILING A LOT. HE IS REALLY QUITE FUNNY. YOU LET YOURSELF WONDER WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO INTRODUCE HIM TO YOUR MOM. YOU THINK MAYBE SHE'D LIKE HIM.

THE FOOD COMES AND JAMES STARTS TO EAT. YOU WATCH HIM CUT HIS STEAK. YOU DECIDE YOU'D FEEL SAFE WITH HIM IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION. YOU START TO EAT YOUR SPAGHETTI AND NOTICE HIM WATCHING YOUR LIPS. THERE IS SEXUAL TENSION AND YOU DISCOVER THAT YOU'RE NOT AGAINST IT. THE CONVERSATION FLOWS EFFORTLESSLY AND YOU ARE ENCHANTED. HE HAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED YOU. YOU HAVE ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE. YOU ARE COMFORTABLE IN HIS PRESENCE. THE CHECK COMES AND HE PAYS FOR YOUR MEAL. HE LEAVES A TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT TIP - HE IS GENEROUS. YOU DECIDE TO HAVE SEX - AFTER ALL HE IS A RESPECTFUL MAN WHO OBSERVES WOMEN'S RIGHTS. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

THE SEX WAS GREAT. YOU TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS HOW FANTASTIC JAMES IS. YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR THEM TO MEET HIM. HE INVITES YOU OVER AGAIN - THIS TIME FOR HOMEMADE DINNER AND A MOVIE. YOU THINK IT'S ADORABLE THAT HE WANTS TO COOK FOR YOU. YOU HAVE SEX AGAIN AND ITS EQUALLY AS AMAZING AS THE FIRST TIME - IF NOT BETTER. YOU CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHERE THIS RELATIONSHIP IS HEADING AND YOU ARE TRYING NOT TO SKIP WITH HAPPINESS ON YOUR WAY HOME.

HE STOPS TAKING YOU OUT. YOUR DATES GO FROM DINNER DATES AND BARS TO MOVIES IN AND SNUGGLING. THEY SLOWLY FADE TO JUST SEX. YOU ASK ABOUT SPENDING TIME OUTSIDE OF HIS APARTMENT AND HE SAYS YES, NEXT TIME YOU'LL GO BOWLING.

YOU STOP HEARING FROM HIM ALTOGETHER. HIS TEXTS GO FROM SWEET AND FLIRTY TO DISTANT TO NONEXISTENT. YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY FIGURE OUT WHERE YOU WENT WRONG - THINGS WERE JUST STARTING TO GET GOOD!

YOU TELL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS THAT YOU'RE CONFUSED AND ASK THEM THEIR OPINION. YOUR FRIEND (WHO ALSO REFUSES TO CALL HERSELF A FEMINIST AND MAKES YOU WONDER IF YOU REALLY SHOULD BE FRIENDS AFTER ALL) BLURTS OUT THAT YOU HAD SEX TOO SOON AND NOW HE'S BORED WITH YOU. YOU'RE INSULTED AND INSIST THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE TRUE. YOUR OTHER FRIENDS CONSOLE YOU AND TELL YOU SHE'S WRONG.

THIS SITUATION IS RELATABLE BECAUSE IT'S HAPPENED TO ALL OF US LADIES. WE MAKE A CHOICE THAT EMPOWERS US AND IT ENDS UP SMACKING US IN THE ASS (NOT IN A GOOD WAY). WE KNOW WE ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX WHEN WE WANT AND HOW WE WANT. WE GO OUT WITH MEN WHO AGREE WITH THIS VIEWPOINT. WE COULD NEVER DATE A SEXIST MAN! YET THESE SITUATIONS KEEP HAPPENING AND POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS CONTINUE TO FADE INTO CASUAL SEX.

I GOOGLED "IS HAVING SEX TOO SOON INTO A NEW CONNECTION WITH A MAN AN ACTUAL THING" AND ENDED UP WITH 110 MILLION RESULTS. MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF LADIES HAVE ASKED THE INTERNET THIS SAME QUESTION IN DESPERATION. DOES JUMPING INTO BED WITH A MAN "TOO SOON" SEND THE "WRONG MESSAGE"? ARE WE MISTAKING SEXUAL INTIMACY FOR SOMETHING IT'S NOT?

ARTICLE AFTER ARTICLE GOES BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN YES AND NO. THEY INSIST THERE IS NO "TOO SOON" TO HAVE SEX IN ONE SENTENCE AND THEN STRESS THE IMPORTANCE OF "TAKING YOUR TIME" AND "GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER" IN THE NEXT.

EVEN AS A YOUNG GIRL I KNEW I WAS SUPPOSED TO WAIT. MY MOTHER WAS ADAMANT ON MY WAITING UNTIL MARRIAGE IN ORDER TO BE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SURE I WASN'T GOING TO BE DUPED. MY FRIENDS IN COLLEGE INSISTED THAT SIX MONTHS WOULD BE A SOLID TIME PERIOD TO WAIT BEFORE LETTING GO OF MY VIRGINITY. 

THERE SHOULD BE NO TIMELINE FOR SEX. UNFORTUNATELY, THOUGH, I THINK THERE MIGHT BE. WHILE MEN SAY THEY DON'T ENJOY THE CHASE MY REAL LIFE RESEARCH PROVES THEY DO. IT MAY ONLY BE SUBCONSCIOUS BUT IT IS STILL THE TRUTH.

I DON'T WANT A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW. I'M ALSO NOT LOOKING FOR A ONE-NIGHT-STAND. I WANT A HEALTHY MIDDLE GROUND - A CASUAL CARING RELATIONSHIP THAT ISN'T LABELED AS BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND. WHY DOES SLEEPING WITH A MAN TURN OUR RELATIONSHIP INTO A JOKE? WHAT CHANGED? DOES HE RESPECT ME LESS? AM I LESS INTERESTING? LESS APPEALING? DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE A GAME?

I CRAVE OTHER PEOPLE'S KNOWLEDGE ON THIS SUBJECT.

WHAT ARE YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH PREMATURE SEX? IS HAVING SEX "TOO EARLY" A THING?

DO MEN FIND WOMEN CATEGORIZING THEM AS HOOK-UPS WHEN THEY DESIRE A MORE INTENSE RELATIONSHIP OR IS IT ONLY WOMEN WHO EXPERIENCE THIS?

WHY DOES SEXUAL TIMING CHANGE THE OUTCOME OF THE RELATIONSHIP?

WRITE TO ME AT SLANG4SEX@GMAIL.COM WITH YOUR THOUGHTS, COMMENTS, AND STORIES. 

A+ FOR THE ASSHOLES

THE MALE SPECIES RE-ASK THE SAME QUESTION TO EVERY SINGLE WOMAN TO EVER EXIST: "WHY DO WOMEN ONLY DATE THE ASSHOLE DUDES?"

ITS TIME TO CLEAR UP THIS UNFORTUNATE MISUNDERSTANDING THAT US WOMEN ARE TIRED OF ATTEMPTING TO ANSWER. IN HOPES OF BRINGING EVERYONE SOME CLARITY, HERE YOU GO:

'ASSHOLES' DO EVERYTHING BETTER.

SIDE NOTE - WHAT CONSTITUTES AS A NICE GUY?? MANNERS? ELOQUENCE? FEELINGS? THE ABILITY TO HOLD A CONVERSATION? HALF OF A BRAIN? 'ASSHOLES' HAVE THESE THINGS TOO, THEY'RE JUST MORE EXHILARATING.

YOUTUBE ENTERTAINER THE 1 JANITOR STATES IT FLAWLESSLY BY SAYING: "THERE'S THIS MYTH THAT NICE GUYS GET PUT IN THE FRIEND ZONE SIMPLY FOR BEING NICE BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE. FRIENDS GET PUT IN THE FRIEND ZONE BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING VERY FRIENDLY! DUDE, THE WORLD DOESN'T OWE YOU SHIT FOR BEING NICE AND GIRLS CERTAINLY DON'T EITHER. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE, YOU DON'T GET A COOKIE FOR DOING STUFF THAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING ANYWAY."

I HAVE YET TO MEET A SO-CALLED 'NICE GUY' AND END UP THINKING, "MAN I CAN'T WAIT FOR HIM TO RIP MY CLOTHES OFF LATER." THE 'NICE GUYS' UNDO EVERY BUTTON AND ASKS HOW YOU'RE FEELING EVERY FEW MINUTES. THEY ASK IF YOU WANT GLASSES OF WATER OR IF YOU WANT TO GET UNDER THE COVERS. I DON'T WANT TO BE ASKED, IT SHOULD BE CRYSTAL CLEAR.

SOCIETY DEEMS THE MEEK, SHY, NERDY, QUIET, INTROVERTED, NERVOUS NELLIES AS THE 'NICE GUYS'. THIS IS SO SO SO INCORRECT (I HAD A MALE BULLY WHO WAS A SCIENCE AND MATH NERD AND HE HATED ME MORE THAN I HATE PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE WHICH IS REALLY SAYING A LOT). THE 'NICE GUY' STEREO TYPE SHOULD BE DEMOLISHED BY MILEY AND HER WRECKING BALL. IN REALITY, 'ASSHOLES' CAN ACTUALLY BE NICE MEN.

EVER SINCE I WAS A YOUNG GIRL I HAVE BEEN GOING FOR THE 'ASSHOLES' OR 'BAD BOYS'. MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS ITS BECAUSE I LOVE THE EXCITEMENT. I LOVE TO BE ENTERTAINED AND I LOVE TO LAUGH. IM A ROLLER COASTER ADDICT AND CRAVE THRILLS THEREFORE MY FATHER IS PROBABLY RIGHT.

EVEN JUST FROM MY TV HISTORY, "BAD BOYS" TAKE THE TROPHY IN MY HEART EVERY TIME. I'M TEAM DRACO MALFOY FROM HARRY POTTER, TEAM DAMON SALVATORE FROM THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, TEAM CHUCK BASS FROM GOSSIP GIRL, TEAM SAWYER FROM LOST, TEAM DARYL DIXON FROM THE WALKING DEAD, TEAM JAX TELLER FROM SONS OF ANARCHY, TEAM KLAUS MIKAELSON FROM THE ORIGINALS, TEAM JESSE PINKMAN FROM BREAKING BAD, TEAM DANIEL DESARIO FROM FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, TEAM SEBASTIAN KYDD FROM THE CARRIE DIARIES. I'M TEAM YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE AND A LITTLE BIT RUDE? IF SO, COME SIT BY ME.

'BAD BOYS' OR 'ASSHOLES' HAD MY HEART FROM THE YOUNGEST OF AGES. THE BOYS I WENT STEADY WITH IN GRADE SCHOOL HAVE NOW GONE ON TO BE CRIMINALS IN JAIL, DRUG DEALERS, AND IN TWO SEPARATE CASES, TEENAGE FATHERS. HOWEVER, AT THE TIME THAT I WAS WITH THEM THEY WERE BOISTEROUS, HILARIOUS, HARMLESS AND CHARMING. I LOVE THE MYSTERY, THE COY GAMES, THE BUTTERFLIES IN MY TUMMY. 'NICE BOYS' JUST DON'T DO THIS FOR ME.

'NICE BOYS' LEAVE MUCH TO BE DESIRED. TO STATE IT SIMPLY: THEY'RE BORING. 'NICE BOYS' DON'T ORDER YOU AROUND THE BEDROOM...THEY'RE LIKE LIMP, OVERCOOKED PASTA NOODLES IN THE PERSONALITY DEPARTMENT. I WANT TO BE NERVOUS BOTH ON THE FIRST DATE AND THREE MONTHS OUT - I NEVER WANT TO BE BORED.  

MY MATURED PREFERENCE OF 'ASSHOLE' IS A KIND, LOVING GUY DEEP (DEEP DEEP DEEP) DOWN. HE CAN AFFORD TO SPOIL ME WITH DRINKS - LOTS OF THEM - AND DINNER. HE OPENS DOORS FOR ME AND KNOWS WHAT MANNERS ARE AND ALSO HOW TO BREAK THEM. HE'S GOT HIS HAND ON MY THIGH DURING DINNER AND KEEPS STEADY, SEXUAL EYE CONTACT. HE LISTENS TO ME BUT AT THE SAME TIME HE DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME AND THIS IS WHY HE'S PERFECT. I NEVER KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO GET. 

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN 'ASSHOLE' AND GENUINELY BAD PERSON. BAD PEOPLE HAVE NO MANNERS, NO RESPECT AND TREAT YOU LIKE THE GROUND THEY WALK ON. BAD PEOPLE DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT, ACT BORED, AND MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE - TENSE AND INSECURE.

'ASSHOLES' ARE HARMLESS CHARMERS WHO SAY DUMB SHIT AND THROW YOU AROUND IN BED.

BAD MEN DON'T CALL YOU BACK.

'ASSHOLES' TAKE A COUPLE DAYS OR WEEKS.

BAD MEN HAVE NARCISSISM ISSUES.

'ASSHOLES' KNOW A WELL DESERVED COMPLIMENT. 

BAD MEN MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF.

IN JUXTAPOSITION, BORING 'GOOD' GUYS TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL EYES.

'ASSHOLES' TELL YOU TO LOOK INTO THEIR EYES WHILE YOU CUM.

BORING 'GOOD' GUYS COMPLIMENT YOUR MAKEUP.

'ASSHOLES' WIPE OFF YOUR LIPSTICK AND TELL YOU HOW SEXY YOU LOOK BARE-LIPPED.

BORING 'GOOD' GUYS ASK FOR FASHION ADVISE.

'ASSHOLES' ADMIRE THAT YOU'RE BOTH WEARING BLACK.

BORING 'GOOD' GUYS ASK TO HOLD YOUR HAND.

'ASSHOLES' WRAP THEIR ARMS AROUND YOUR WAIST.

WITH BORING 'GOOD' GUYS SEXTING IS ALWAYS ANTICLIMACTIC.

'ASSHOLES' TELL YOU JUST WHAT THEY'D DO TO YOU IF YOU WERE AT THEIR APARTMENT. 

I THINK WE SHOULD RENAME THE CATEGORIES BAD, EXCITING, AND BORING JUST FOR CLARITY'S SAKE... AND BE HONEST WITH ME - REGARDLESS OF GENDER - DO YOU PREFER AN 'ASSHOLE' OR A 'NICE' PERSON?

LEMONADE IN THE MORNING

I SHOWED UP AT HIS APARTMENT WITH 3 OUT OF 10 TOENAILS PAINTED RED, AND WET HAIR. I HAD READ THREE CHAPTERS OF MY NEW CHUCK PALAHNIUK BOOK DURING THE COMMUTE WHICH CONSISTS OF TAKING THE L TRAIN UP AND OUT OF BROOKLYN AND THEN BACK DOWN TO THE LOWER EAST SIDE.

I ALWAYS ALWAYS GET OUT OF THE TRAIN ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET. I CURSE TO MYSELF - I REALLY SHOULD HAVE THIS FIGURED OUT BY NOW. HIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS LIVELY AND I ENJOY THE SHORT WALK TO HIS FRONT STEPS. I PASS THE OVERPRICED COFFEE SHOP WHERE I GET BITTER ICED COFFEE MOST MORNINGS POST-SEX AND SMILE AT THE BARISTA.

HE LIVES ON THE FIFTH FLOOR OF A WALK-UP - A SERIOUS COMMITMENT FOR A LAZY LADY LIKE ME. BY THE TIME I GET TO HIS DOOR I'M SWEATY AND VERY IRRITATED. HE ALWAYS GREETS ME NICELY. 

HE HAS THE SAME NAME AS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS. EVERYONE GETS THEM CONFUSED WHENEVER I'M RECOUNTING STORIES. THEY DON'T LOOK ALIKE, THOUGH, AND HE DOESN'T HAVE AS MUCH PATIENCE WITH ME AS MY FRIEND DOES. REGARDLESS, I'M VERY FOND OF THEM BOTH. 

THERE ARE LOTS OF ASIANS IN HIS APARTMENT BUILDING. THEY ALWAYS LEAVE THEIR DOORS OPEN AND THE CLIMB UPWARDS FEELS LIKE AN ART GALLERY - PEEKING INTO THE LIVES OF DELANCEY STREET. THE HALLWAY ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE FISH AND THE NEWS IS ON IN EVERY APARTMENT. AS MY VERTICAL CLIMB CONTINUES, SMALL ASIAN CHILDREN SIZE ME UP THROUGH SKINNY DOORWAYS. THE THEORY IS, THESE FAMILIES ARE RUNNING ASIAN SEAMLESS FOOD EMPIRES OUT OF THEIR BEDROOMS. I HAVE ADJUSTED TO THE WORDLESS STARES OF THE BUILDING'S TENANTS. 

HIS DOOR IS BLACK AND I KNOCK AFTER CATCHING MY BREATH. I GREET HIM WITH MY EYES DOWN AND SLIP INTO HIS LIVING ROOM TO DROP MY PURSE AND BOOK ON HIS COUCH. WE SIT. HE MAKES EYE CONTACT, I DON'T. WE TALK ABOUT NOTHING - MAYBE THE WEATHER OR HIS JOB. HE KNOWS HE HAS TO WARM ME UP, KIND OF LIKE LETTING A DOG SNIFF YOUR HAND BEFORE REACHING TO PET IT. I'M NON-RESPONSIVE AT FIRST OUT OF PURE SHYNESS. I BLUSH A LOT AS HE PACKS A BOWL OR PASSES ME A JOINT. WE SMOKE POLITELY AND THEN I TALK. I TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY JOB SEARCH AND THE MOON AND HOW JOJO IS MAKING A COME BACK AND DID HE KNOW WHAT MARSHMALLOWS ARE MADE OF? WHAT'S HIS SIGN? HOW OLD IS HIS BOTHER? HOW MUCH IS HIS RENT? WHAT TRAIN DOES HE TAKE TO WORK? HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT PLUTO NOT BEING A PLANET? WHY DID HIS MOM BUY HIM THOSE BOXER BRIEFS? 

NEXT THING I KNOW I'VE MOVED INTO THE BEDROOM AND HE'S KISSING ME. HIS KISSES ARE SOFT AND HIS STEADY EYE CONTACT IS GREETED BY MY HEAVY EYELIDS. I FEEL DRUGGED WITH WARMNESS AND THE NEED TO BE TOUCHED. I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YET I'M TINGLY ALL OVER. THE WEED HAS MADE ME FORGET EARTH AND GRAVITY AND SHOOTING STARS AND HE KNOWS TO REMIND ME EXACTLY WHERE I AM. 

I FEEL SAFE. HE COMPLIMENTS MY TRANSLUCENT SKIN AND THE WAY MY BANGS ARE CURLING AROUND MY FOREHEAD. HE TRACES MY LIPS WITH HIS THUMB AND I CLOSE MY EYES. 

THE FIRST TIME WE MET HIS HAIR WAS SHORTER. WHAT HE LACKS IN STUNNING GOOD LOOKS HE MAKES UP FOR WITH PERSONALITY. HE'S OUTGOING AND EXTROVERTED - TWO THINGS THAT FRIGHTEN ME TO MY CORE. NATURALLY, I WANTED TO HATE HIM. I IMMEDIATELY PUT MY GUARD UP AND GOT AGGRESSIVE. I DRANK AND LISTENED TO HIS OPINIONS AND THEN I ARGUED. DEEP DOWN I WANTED TO KNOW HIM, SO I AGREED TO ANOTHER BAR. IT WAS AN OUTDOOR ROOFTOP BAR AND THE AIR FELT COOL ON MY SKIN. THE LIGHTS WERE LOW AND MY DRINK WAS FIZZY AND TINGLED MY LIPS. HIS HAND WAS ON MY THIGH AND MY FOOT WAS TOUCHING HIS. I TOLD HIM TO TAKE ME HOME. THERE WAS MONEY ON THE TABLE AND HIS HAND ON MY WAIST AND WE WERE GONE. 

WE DECIDED TO SMOKE POT. I GOT TOO COCKY. I SMOKED THE BONG LIKE A BOWL AND ENDED UP IN A DEEP DEEP STATE OF NUCLEAR CONTEMPLATION. I KNEW HE WAS TALKING BUT I COULDN'T HEAR HIM. MY FOREARMS AND HANDS WERE NUMB PAST THE BONES. THE WORLD WAS MOVING IN SLOW MOTION AND I KNEW I WAS DEAD. I SHOOK HIM AND ASKED HIM TO WAKE ME UP. I DOVE INTO THE STORY ABOUT MY NIGHT TERRORS, HOW I KNOW I'M ASLEEP BUT I MUST WAKE UP AND I CAN'T. I'M PARALYZED BY FEAR AND PARANOID. I STARE AT MY HANDS, ATTEMPTING TO MOVE THEM. THEY WON'T MOVE. I ASK HIM TO WAKE ME UP AGAIN, PLEASE, THERE IS A DEMON CONTROLLING MY SPAGHETTI ARMS.

HE TELLS ME, "ENJOY IT,  YOURE JUST REALLY HIGH."

"NO, I CAN'T IN FACT ENJOY THIS. CAN WE PLEASE COLOR?"

"COLOR?" HE ASKS, "OH I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE SOME COLORED PENCILS."

I ASK HIM TO DRAW ME A PICTURE OF A DRAGON THAT I CAN COLOR IN. HE DRAWS AN AMAZING DRAGON AND I ASK HIM IF HE'S REAL. HE LAUGHS AND I DOODLE OUR NAMES ON A PIECE OF PAPER, ASKING TO ORDER A PIZZA. 

THE PIZZA COMES BUT WE ALREADY HAD MIND-BLOWING SEX. I GORGE ON THE CHEESEY PIE AND THEN SLIP BACK INTO HIS ARMS. AT THIS MOMENT I FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE MET SOMEONE WHO EXISTS ON MY WAVELENGTH. SOMETIMES I MEET PEOPLE FROM MARS BUT I THINK HE'S FROM VENUS LIKE ME AND WE ARE KINDRED SOULS. 

WE HOOK UP FOR FOUR MONTHS, ON AND OFF. I SPEND COUNTLESS HOURS IN HIS APARTMENT EATING GRILLED CHEESE ON HIS COUCH, SLEEPING IN HIS AIR CONDITIONED BED, WATCHING BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY, DANCING TO THE BEACH BOYS IN MY UNDERWEAR AND T-SHIRT, AND HAVING THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE. I CAN'T STAY AWAY FROM HIM AND SOMETIMES HE NEEDS HIS SPACE. I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT GIVE AND TAKE - AND THAT A COMMITMENT OR A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP ISN'T ALWAYS WHAT I NEED FROM A MAN. SOMETIMES PERIODIC SEX AND DEEP CONVERSATION ARE ENOUGH TO HOLD ME OVER FOR ANOTHER WEEK.

I LIKE TO BE ALONE. I LIKE TO HEAR THE SILENCE AROUND ME AND NOT FEEL THE PRESSURE OF CONVERSATION OR THE OBLIGATION TO ENTERTAIN. HOWEVER, I HATE TO BE LONELY. I HATE THE WAY MY MIND ROLLS DOWN HILLS AND HOW MY SKIN FEELS NEGLECTED AND MY BODY CURLS UP INTO ITSELF LIKE AN ARMADILLO. 

THE NICEST THING ABOUT HIM IS HOW HE LIFTS ME UP WHEN I'M FEELING DOWN. HE IS THE FIRST MAN WHO DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M LACKING SOMETHING IMPORTANT. HE FLATTERS ME, COMPLIMENTS ME, MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A GOOD PERSON. I LIKE WHEN WE SIT ON HIS COUCH AFTER SEX AND HE LAYS HIS BARE FEET ACROSS MY LAP AND WE LAUGH ABOUT LIFE AND ROOMMATES, OUR CRAZY AWESOME SEX AND HOW WE CAME AT THE SAME EXACT TIME. WE GET SOFT AND LET EACH OTHER KNOW THAT WE ARE IMPORTANT TO EACH OTHER, IN WAYS PERHAPS UNEXPLAINABLE BUT ENDLESSLY IMPORTANT. 

I'M HAPPY TO HAVE GAINED SUCH A GENUINE FRIEND. I TRUST HIM WITH MY BODY AND MY INSECURITIES. MY STRETCH MARKS AND MY NAKEDNESS - MY VULNERABILITY. HE HOLDS THIS IN HIS HANDS SO SOFTLY AND I APPRECIATE HIS TENDERNESS TO ME. I THINK I HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN HIS HARD-TO-READ HEART AND I KNOW HE HAS ONE IN MINE. I'M GLAD I TOOK A CHANCE AND LET HIM OPEN ME UP TO BEAUTIFUL THINGS I HAD YET TO DISCOVER.

FOR NOW I AM AT PEACE WITH OUR CASUAL ROMANCE. SOME DAYS COME WHEN I WANT MORE FROM HIM. IN THESE DAYS I STEP BACK AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE REALITY OF OUR SITUATION. SOMETIMES I GET SAD, KNOWING SOMEDAY THIS IS GOING TO HAVE TO END. THE END GOAL IS NOT TO HURT EACH OTHER AND I KNOW WHEN HE FINDS SOMEONE MORE PERMANENT I WILL BE HAPPY FOR HIM. I KNOW I CANNOT KEEP HIM IN MY POCKET FOREVER AND MY HEART FEELS HEAVY UPON THIS REALIZATION. I DO HOPE HE IS A LIFELONG ACQUAINTANCE, AS HE IS SOMEONE I KNOW I CAN TRUST. I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHY I'M NOT THE TYPE OF WOMAN HE SEES HIMSELF WITH LONG-TERM. FEELINGS ARE WEIRD AND IT'S EMBARRASSING TO KNOW I'M TEMPORARY. 

I GUESS WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO LIKE SOMEONE YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH. EVENTUALLY YOUR HEART GETS IN THE WAY. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR HIS HEART BEAT AFTER SEX AND KEEP MYSELF WORLDS AWAY. FOR NOW, HE IS EXCITING AND PASSIONATE ABOUT LIFE AND ABOUT ME IN A WAY THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY. EVENTUALLY I KNOW THIS WILL NOT BE ENOUGH TO SATISFY ME. 

ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END, RIGHT? 

TALL, TAN, AND HANDSOME

THE FIRST THING I NOTICED WAS THAT HE HAD A REALLY GREAT BUTT. ONE MIGHT SAY A PERFECT ASS. LOOKING AT HIS BUTT WAS PAINFUL BECAUSE I WANTED TO GRAB IT SO BADLY. I COULD BARELY FOCUS AT WORK WHEN HE WORE JEANS. MY EYES WERE GLUED TO HIS DERRIÈRE.

HE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN I'VE EVER BEEN BLESSED TO BE AROUND. HE'S TALL AND HANDSOME, FROM SOMEWHERE IN NEW MEXICO AND IS THE EPITOME OF DOUBLE RL. I DIDN'T THINK I HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM - AFTER ALL HE WROTE MY NAME DOWN IN HIS NOTEBOOK NEXT TO THE DESCRIPTION 'BLOND' IN ORDER TO REMEMBER WHICH INTERN I WAS. 

I LOOKED FORWARD TO EACH DAY IN HOPES THAT WE WOULD EXCHANGE SOME LAME WORDS ABOUT VINTAGE AMERICAN FLAGS OR HORSE PHOTOGRAPHS. I WAS INTERNING FOR RALPH LAUREN'S INTERIOR DESIGN TEAM WHICH WAS MY CHILDHOOD DREAM. I DON'T USUALLY GO FOR TALL TAN AND HANDSOME BUT LET ME TELL YOU HE MADE ME WEAK IN THE KNEES WITH JUST ONE LOOK.

I GOT HIS PHONE NUMBER BY STALKING HIM ON INSTAGRAM AND SENDING HIM A DIRECT MESSAGE OF SOME HEINOUS VINTAGE FLANNEL SAYING IT REMINDED ME OF HIM. HE RESPONDED POLITELY AND I HOUNDED FOR HIS NUMBER. 

I FELL HARD, FAST. I TEXTED HIM ALL THROUGH MY SUMMER BREAK WILLFULLY IGNORING HIS LACK OF INTEREST. THEN I MOVED FROM MANHATTAN TO BROOKLYN AND FROM COLLEGE STUDENT TO GRADUATE. THE NEXT DAY I WAS ON MY WAY TO GET GROCERIES IN BUSHWICK WHEN I SAW HIM TURNING THE DOOR KNOB FIVE APARTMENTS DOWN FROM MINE. IT WAS FATE. 

HE TOOK ME TO DRINKS AT BASIK AND I GOT A RUM AND COKE. IT WAS PAST 9PM AND I KNEW IT WAS A BOOTY CALL. I HAPPILY ACCEPTED AND TEXTED MY FELLOW RL INTERN SAYING "WE ARE GOING FOR DRINKS, IT'S HAPPENING. IF I CAN SNEAK A PICTURE, I WILL."

WE PACKED HIS BOWL AND I TRIED NOT TO LAUGH. HIS ROOM WAS ALMOST IRONIC - VINTAGE CARVINGS AND QUILTS DRAPED ACROSS LEATHER TUFTED CLUB CHAIRS. IT LOOKED LIKE IT CAME RIGHT OUT OF A RALPH LAUREN ADVERTISEMENT. THE ONLY THING OUT OF PLACE WAS THE POT.

WE MADE OUT FOR A WHILE. HE'S A GREAT KISSER AND HIS FACIAL HAIR TRULY MADE ME WEAK. HE WAS SOFT BUT HARD - I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT - MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I. 

HE HAD EXPRESSED DURING DRINKS THAT HE USED TO FANTASIZE ABOUT BENDING ME OVER THE COPY MACHINE AND FUCKING ME IN THE OFFICE. MY FANTASIES HAD INCLUDED ROMANTIC GET-AWAYS AND HAND-HOLDING BUT CLOSE ENOUGH.

I KNEW HE'D LIKE MY BODY. HE'S THE TYPE OF GUY TO LIKE CURVY WOMEN - SPECIFICALLY SITTING ON HIS FACE. I WAS HAPPY TO OBLIGE. 

THINGS GOT STRANGE WHEN CLOTHES STARTED TO COME OFF. HE ATTENDED TO ME VIGOROUSLY AND THEN WOULD RANDOMLY JUMP UP OUT OF BED MID FOREPLAY. ONE MINUTE HE'D BE EATING ME OUT, NEXT MINUTE HE WAS POINTING OUT THE HAND-STITCHING ON A NATIVE AMERICAN-MADE QUILT. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE SITUATION BUT AFTER FIVE INTERRUPTIONS I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER. I DON'T THINK I EVER GOT AN ANSWER.

I FAKED AN ORGASM TO PLEASE HIM. I FIGURED THIS WOULD SATISFY HIM AND THINGS WOULD PROGRESS.

WRONG.

HE THOUGHT HE HIT JACKPOT AND MIGHT AS WELL GRACE ME WITH A COUPLE MORE ORGASMS BEFORE ACTUAL SEX.

I FAKED A TOTAL OF SOMETHING LIKE FIFTEEN ORGASMS IN ATTEMPT TO JUST GET HIM TO LEAVE MY POOR VAGINA ALONE. I TRULY FEEL AS THOUGH I HAVE DONE A DISSERVICE TO MY FELLOW LADIES BECAUSE OF THIS. HE PROBABLY THINKS HE IS THE KING OF VAGINA TOWN WHEN IN REALITY I THINK I DESERVE AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST REPEATED FAKE ORGASMS.

WHEN WE FINALLY GOT AROUND TO HAVING ACTUAL SEX, I WAS BORED. I WAS BORED BECAUSE HE WAS AVERAGE SIZED AND AVERAGELY CREATIVE. HIS DICK WAS STRANGE IN THE SENSE THAT IT WAS ALMOST DETACHED AT THE BASE BY LIKE AN INCH. IT MADE HIM HAVE TO AIM REALLY HARD TO GET IT IN AND MADE ME THINK ABOUT THOSE REMOTE CONTROL CARS THAT ALWAYS JAM INTO WALLS ON THEIR JOURNEYS.

I THINK MY FAVORITE PART ABOUT THE EVENING WAS FALLING ASLEEP IN HIS ARMS. HE IS MAN SIZED AND HIS FACIAL HAIR TICKLED THE BACK OF MY NECK. HE WAS VERY LOVING AND CUDDLY AND BY GOLLY I DESERVED IT! I REALLY HOPE HE ISN'T READING THIS. HE STILL LIVES DOWN THE STREET FROM ME AND I WOULD HATE TO HAVE A BAG OF FLAMING POOP ON MY DOORSTEP TOMORROW.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS - GO FOR THE FUNNY LOOKING, SILLY ONES. IT'S THE BEAUTIFUL ONES WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCK YOU RIGHT.

MURDER

I THINK I AM CAPABLE OF MURDER. 

SOMETIMES I FANTASIZE ABOUT BUYING LOUBOUTIN STILETTO HEELS. OTHER TIMES I FANTASIZE ABOUT THOSE STILETTO HEELS PUNCTURING HIS THROAT WITH ONE SWIFT STEP TO HIS ADAMS APPLE - RED BOTTOMS FROM RED RUM. 

I WAS DRUNK BUT THAT IS NO EXCUSE. IT'S HIS FAULT. I REPEAT THIS TO MYSELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN MY HEAD - IT'S HIS FAULT. 

NORMAL MALE BEHAVIOR IS THE WAY HE GRABBED MY WAIST AND KISSED ME HARD BEHIND THE BACK WALL AT THE BAR. ABNORMAL MALE BEHAVIOR IS HOLDING A DRUNK NINETEEN YEAR OLD GIRL DOWN TO THE MATTRESS BY HER WRISTS. 

I CRIED THE WHOLE TIME AND HE NEVER STOPPED. 

I STILL CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO ADMIT WHAT HE DID TO ME. THE WORD IS HARSH AND DIRTY IN MY MOUTH LIKE LICKING THE BOTTOMS OF BARE FEET. 

I THINK I AM CAPABLE OF MURDER.  

I AM IN LOVE. I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE FOR FOUR LONG TERRIBLE BEAUTIFUL YEARS.

HE DROVE TO MANHATTAN AS SOON AS I TOLD HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED. WE WERE EXCLUSIVE AT THE TIME. I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE'D EVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP WITH ME AGAIN - OR IF I'D EVER WANT TO. 

HE TURNED ON THE SHOWER - MY FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD. HE TURNED THE DIAL TO PAINFULLY HOT - MY FAVORITE TEMPERATURE. HE STOOD ACROSS FROM ME AND PULLED THE PONY FROM MY HAIR. HE GENTLY LIFTED MY SHIRT OVER MY POUNDING HEAD. HE STRUGGLED WITH MY BRA STRAPS LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES. HE UNZIPPED MY PANTS AND DROPPED THEM TO THE FLOOR. HE PULLED DOWN MY UNDIES AND LET THEM FALL TO THE FLOOR.  

HE DIDN'T TOUCH ME.  

HE SWIFTLY GOT UNDRESSED HIMSELF AND SAT WITH ME IN THE SHOWER BENEATH THE BRUTALLY HOT WATER. WE DIDN'T TALK. I CRIED SILENT TEARS - THE WORST KIND OF TEARS - ASHAMED STILLNESS. 

HE FILLED MY LOOFA WITH SOAP. THE SOAP SMELLED OF FRESH RAIN. HE WASHED MY PALE NAKED BODY FROM HEAD TO TOE, COVERING ME IN NEW BEGINNINGS. HE SCRUBBED MY BLOND HAIR WITH SOAP, CAREFULLY AVOIDING MY BLUE EYES. HE HELD ME CONSTANTLY, SLIPPERY AND SOAKING WET. HE RINSED ME AND WATCHED THE HOT WATER TURN MY SKIN BRIGHT RED - THE WAY I LIKED TO BECOME CLEAN. 

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG WE STOOD IN THAT SMALL MANHATTAN SHOWER. IT WAS SILENT AND I WAS AT PEACE.  

HE TURNED OFF THE WATER. HE WRAPPED ME IN A BLEACH STAINED TOWEL AND LET MY HAIR DRIP DOWN MY SPLOTCHY BACK.  

HE CARRIED ME TO BED AND HELD ME IN HIS ARMS. OUR SKIN COLORS WERE SO BEAUTIFUL TOGETHER, A PALE MOONLIGHT WHITE AND A DEEP SMOOTH MILK CHOCOLATE.  

I SLEPT AND HE STAYED.  

I AM IN LOVE. I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE FOR FOUR LONG TERRIBLE BEAUTIFUL YEARS.

PUSSYWILLOW

THIS WHOLE 'WALK OF SHAME' THING REALLY IRKS ME SOMETHING AWFUL. WHY SHOULD I BE ASHAMED? I JUST HAD (HOPEFULLY) AWESOME SEX AND NOW I'M GONNA GRAB A LATTE AND GO SHOPPING. AND LATER, I'LL GET INTO MY (CLEAN, NON CUM-STAINED BED) AND SLEEP LIKE A DAMN BABY.

IF I WERE TO FEEL 'SHAME' IT'D BE BECAUSE OF SOMETHING IMPORTANT, LIKE DISAPPOINTING MY PARENTS. DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE I JUST GOT FUCKED BY YOUR BEST FRIEND ALL NIGHT LONG AND AM EXITING THROUGH YOUR KITCHEN WITH MY BRA IN MY HAND. I'LL WRAP THE BRA AROUND MY NECK AND WEAR IT AS A SCARF IF IT'D GET THE POINT ACROSS THAT FEMALES HAVING CASUAL SEX ISNT SHAMEFUL.

THE ONLY SHAMEFUL THING IS THE JUDGEMENT AND TREATMENT THAT PEOPLE SUBJECT LADIES TO AND NOT MALES. 

 I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT RAISING KIDS. BUT I HAVE BABYSAT ENOUGH TO NOTICE THAT PARENTS TREAT THEIR SONS AND DAUGHTERS MUCH DIFFERENTLY. I HAVE STARTED TO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THE WAY BOYS BEHAVE REGARDING THEIR DICKS IN CONTRAST TO THE WAY WOMEN BEHAVE REGARDING THEIR VAGINAS. 

I BABYSAT A GIRL WHO HAD TWO DOCTOR PARENTS. THEY USED THE ACTUAL TERMINOLOGY REGARDING BODY PARTS, AND THE LITTLE GIRL REFERRED TO HER VAGINA AS SHE UNDERSTOOD THE WORD - AS HER 'CHINA'. I ADOPTED THIS LINGO FOR MY OWN VAGINA BEFORE I WAS COMFORTABLE CALLING IT A VAGINA. I HATE THE WORD VAGINA. IT SOUNDS HARSH AND GROSS. HOW MANY OTHER PLEASANT WORDS START WITH THE LETTER 'V'? NOT MANY. THEREFORE, I NAMED MY VAGINA WILLOW. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE CUTE TO OWN MY OWN PUSSYWILLOW.

THERE IS ALWAYS 'THE TALK'. THE TALK ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES, HOW BABIES ARE MADE - SEX. BUT NO ONE EVER SAT ME DOWN AND EXPLAINED WHAT A VAGINA IS. WHAT IT DOES. HOW IT WORKS. I WAS NINETEEN WHEN I DISCOVERED THAT WOMEN DON'T, IN FACT, PEE OUT OF THEIR CLITS. I NEVER DID THE WHOLE LEG SPREAD MIRROR THING TO INSPECT WHAT I HAD GOING ON. I WAS ACTUALLY SLIGHTLY TERRFIED OF THE HOLE BETWEEN MY LEGS. I MEAN REALLY... A PHYSICAL BLACK HOLE. 

I RESEARCHED VAGINAS IN HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE I HAD A FEAR OF ANTS CRAWLING UP MY VAGINA. TRUTH IS, ANTS CANT SURVIVE IN VAGINAS BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ANY OXYGEN UP THERE. I ALSO DISCOVERED THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL- THE MOVIE TEETH (2007) - IN WHICH THE MAIN CHARACTER HAS A SHARK-LIKE MOUTH IN HER PUSSY THAT ATTACKS INCOMING OBJECTS. OR HOW BOUT CHUCK PALAHNIUK'S NEW TERRIFYING BOOK - BEAUTIFUL YOU - THAT SHOWCASES WOMEN BECOMING ADDICTED TO SEX TOYS TO THE POINT OF NEAR DEATH, AND BEING IMPREGNATED WITH POTENTIAL CLONE BABIES (ALSO HAS A GREAT SCENE WITH FLYING EXPLODING DILDOS THAT END UP CASTRATING AND KILLING THE BAD GUY.. EPIC). THE WORLD I GREW UP IN TAUGHT ME TO FEAR WHAT WAS BETWEEN MY LEGS. 

MY JUNIOR YEAR OF COLLEGE I GOOGLED 'NORMAL VAGINA'. MY HOOK-UPS HAD NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY VAGINA BEING ABNORMAL BUT I TRULY HAD NO CLUE. I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY OTHER VAGINAS BESIDES THE ONES PORN STARS HAVE - PERFECTLY SCULPTED PEACH LOOKING SHIT. 

MY SEARCH RESULT LED ME TO AN ARTIST - JAMIE MCCARTNEY - WHO CAST TONS OF WOMENS VAGINAS AND MADE A MONTAGE. LIKE HUNDREDS OF LADIES GOT HARD COPIES OF THEIR VAGINAS FOR THE WORLD TO SEE. THE PIECE ENDED UP BEING CALLED "THE GREAT WALL OF VAGINAS". A TRULY APPROPRIATE NAME. THROUGH THIS ART PIECE I SAW LOTS OF 'NORMAL' VAGINAS. I FOUND MINE QUITE TAME BY COMPARISON. MY RIGHT INNER LABIA IS A LITTLE LONGER THAN MY LEFT. I WAS ALWAYS SO SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT THIS QUIRK THAT I COULDN'T ENJOY BEING EATEN OUT BY ANYONE. I COULDN'T RELAX AND I COULDN'T LET GO (THIS UNEVEN INNER LABIA THING IS ALSO GENETIC - I ASKED MY COUSINS AND THEY ALL HAVE IT TOO). I WAS ASHAMED OF AN ADORABLE QUIRK. THE OTHER VAGINAS VIA THE GREAT WALL OF VAGINAS PROVED TO ME THAT THERE ARE SOME PRETTY SCARY PIECES OUT THERE. PIECES KIND OF RESEMBLING THE GOBBLES ON A TURKEYS NECK? OR MAYBE BOLOGNA? I DON'T KNOW BUT IT WAS SCARY. AND NOW I'M REALLY THANKFUL FOR MY CLEAN, PRETTY CLOSE TO PERFECT, UNEVEN VAGINA. 

THEY KIND OF DO LOOK LIKE FLOWERS. AND THAT'S PRETTY DAMN AWESOME - THAT OUR BODIES RESEMBLE SUCH A GORGEOUS PART OF NATURE. AND WHAT DO MEN HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT? DANGLY THIRD LEGS THAT - IF CIRCUMSIZED - REMIND WOMEN OF MUSHROOMS. IF THEYRE UNCIRCUMCISED THEYRE JUST ANT-EATER WIENERS.. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IM REFERRING TO?? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A SEA CUCUMBER? YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT IN YOUR PANTS.

 AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SUMMER I WAS FRUSTRATED WITH MY INABILITY TO ORGASM. MY DOCTOR HAS BEEN TELLING ME FOR YEARS THAT MY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS MAKE IT NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO CUM - AND THEN ADD MY AXIETY ABOUT MY KITTY'S APPEARANCE AND YOU'VE GOT A GIANT ORGASM FAKER. I CAN FAKE WAYYYY BETTER THAN SALLY IN WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. 

I ALREADY OWN SIX VIBRATORS AND TWO BOTTLES OF LUBE. NOT TO MENTION THE SEX DRIVE OF A TEENAGE BOY (SORRY IF THAT'S A GERNERALIZATION). IT TOOK ME SIX VIBRATORS TO FIND THE RIGHT ONE. EVEN THEN, IF IM NOT IN THE MOOD COMPLETELY, IT DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME. PERHAPS MY NEIGHBORS THINK I HAVE A FOOT MASSAGER OR SOMETHING. 

I BOUGHT MY SIXTH VIBRATOR ON MY DADS CREDIT CARD FROM A SEX SHOP IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN. ITS PINK AND SCARY LOOKING BUT EFFECTIVE. I KNEW MY DAD WOULD BE TOO EMBARRASED TO BRING UP MY $50 EXPENSE AT EROTICA AND I WILL HAVE SCORED A FREE SEX TOY. (I WAS RIGHT.) 

ADDITIONALLY, I DECIDED TO GET MY CLITORAL HOOD PIERCED. I HAD READ ONLINE THAT IT MAKES ORGASMING MUCH EASIER FOR HARD-TO-PLEASE WOMEN. IT WAS TERRIFYING TO TAKE OFF MY PANTS FOR THE PIERCER BUT LUCKILY ONE OF MY BEST GIRLFRIENDS, CHELSEA, WENT WITH ME TO HOLD MY HAND. SHE'S STILL MAD AT ME THAT I MADE HER LOOK AT MY VAGINA WHEN IT WAS FINISHED. (SORRY CHELS.)

MY VCH (VERTICAL CLITORAL HOOD) PIERCING HELPED. WALKING UP THE STAIRS WAS FUN. NOT KIDDING, I HAD TO TAKE BREAKS ON THE SUBWAY STAIRS BECAUSE IT FELT TOO GOOD. IT ALSO CHEAPENED THE LOOK OF MY POOR PUSSYWILLOW. I TOOK IT OUT AFTER A MONTH AND A HALF AND FIND MY KITTY EVEN MORE ADORABLE NOW. 

 I NEVER REALLY LIKED MASTERBATING. I ATTEMPTED TO TOUCH MYSELF THROUGHOUT MY LIFE AS A TEENAGER BUT NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY IT DIDN'T FEEL GOOD. AGAIN, MEDICATION AND IMPATIENCE DIDN'T HELP. BUT I THINK IT'S SOMETHING ELSE TOO. 

FROM A YOUNG AGE MY COUSINS WERE OBSESSED WITH THEIR DICKS. THEY HAD ALL THESE NAMES FOR THEM LIKE PEEPEE AND LORD EVEN KNOWS I DON'T KNOW. GUYS I KNOW SWING THEIR DICKS AROUND LIKE HELECOPTERS. ANY GUY IVE BEEN WITH HAS NO ISSUE WHIPPING IT OUT. ONE OF MY BEST GUY FRIENDS SENT ME A SNAPCHAT OF HIS FLACID PENIS WITH A BLUE CIRCLE AROUND IT SAYING 'LAKE FLACID'. ANYTHING BETWEEN THEIR LEGS AND ITS GAME ON. THEY'RE SCRATCHING THEIR BALLS IN PUBLIC, MASTURBATING EVERY SINGLE DAY - PROBABLY VIOLENTLY - DOES THAT EVEN FEEL GOOD ANYMORE? 

I WENT ZIPLINING IN THE FOREST WITH MY COUSINS AND WE HAD TO WEAR HARNESSES. THERE ARE MY TWO BOY COUSINS, GRIPPING AND WHIPPING THE CARABEENER BETWEEN THEIR LEGS LIKE TOMORROW MIGHT NOT COME. THE GUIDE SPECIFICALLY TOLD US NOT TO TOUCH THAT CARABEENER  BUT MEN TRULY CAN'T KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF OF ANYTHING BETWEEN THEIR LEGS. I'VE STARTED TO SAY, "IT'S A DICK THING". PHALLIC ART SCULPTURES? ITS A DICK THING. WATER HOSES BETWEEN LEGS LIKE SPRAYING PENIS'S? ITS A DICK THING. EVER SEEN A WOMEN ITCH HER CROTCH IN PUBLIC? EVER SEEN A LADY HOLD THINGS UP TO THEIR CROTCHES THAT REPRESENT A PUSSY? EVER SEE WOMEN MAKING VULGAR COMMENTS ABOUT THEIR VAGINAS? NO. THAT'S A DICK THING. 

GIRLS AREN'T GIVEN AN EXPLAINATION TO THEIR SEXUALITY. NO ONE EXPLAINS MASTURBATION OR THE WONDERS OF ORGASMING TO A FEMALE. IT'S SECOND NATURE FOR A GUY TO JERK OFF, BUT FOR WOMEN IT'S TABOO. WHAT IS A VAGINA????? WHY ISN'T THERE A MAP ON GOOGLE TELLING YOU HOW TO LOCATE THE RIGHT HOLE OR SPOT??? (THERE ISN'T, IVE LOOKED, MULTIPLE TIMES). EVEN IF THERE WERE A GOOGLE MAPS FOR VAGINAS, IT WOULDN'T WORK. EVERY VAGINA IS DIFFERENT - KIND OF LIKE SNOW FLAKES.

WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT MORE - WITH OUR GIRLFRIENDS, BOYFRIENDS, COUSINS, MOMS, AND FUTURE DAUGHTERS. PERSONALLY, IM TIRED OF BEING IN BED WITH A GUY GLASSY-EYED AND MONOTONE. "A LITTLE LEFT. NO. UP. NOPE, DOWN". I CHALLENGE YOU TO FIGURE OUT YA DAMN LADY PARTS. FIGURE OUT WHAT FEELS BEST AND WHY. SHOW YOUR HOOKUPS AND BOYFRIENDS FOR THE BENEFIT OF YOURSELF. I AM TIRED OF SETTING UP EVENINGS WITH MEN JUST SO THAT THEY CAN CUM AGAIN. THIS IS ABOUT ME!! ABOUT US!!

AND ALSO IF HE DOESNT LICK IT, DUMP HIM. THE END.

TONY

MY DEPRESSION IS A MALE. HE IS A MALE AND I HATE HIM. IF I COULD NAME HIM HIS NAME WOULD BE A STUPID NAME, LIKE ANTHONY OR TONY. 

TONY FOLLOWS ME AROUND. HE LIKES TO SHOW UP AT THE MOST INCONVENIENT TIMES. I DON'T HAVE TO ASK WHY HE'S HERE OR WHAT HE WANTS, I AM FAMILIAR WITH HIS MOTIVES. 

MORE RECENTLY I AM SURPRISED WHEN TONY DECIDES TO COME OVER AND HANG OUT. LATELY HE'S FOLLOWED BY LONELY WHO IS TONYS PATHETIC AND ANNOYING SIDEKICK. 

I WONDER HOW THEY FIND ME WHEN I LEAVE MY USUAL HOME IN BROOKLYN. I WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK THEM TO TRAVEL TO WHERE I AM NOW. I ALWAYS ASK HOW THEY FOUND ME AND TONY ALWAYS REPLIES, "ARE YOU NOT HAPPY TO SEE US? WE ARE YOUR OLDEST FRIENDS, AFTER ALL."

TONY AND LONELY ARE BEST FRIENDS. THEY MAY EVEN BE LOVERS WALKING HAND IN HAND BEHIND ME. LONELY INTERROGATES ME LIKE MY MOTHER DOES, ASKING ME QUESTIONS THAT I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS TO. TONY STEALS MY SUNSHINE, MY LAUGHTER, MY PASSIONS, AND EVENTUALLY MY IDENTITY. HE CONVINCES MY FRIEND JOY TO PLAY LONG GAMES OF HIDE-AND-SEEK THAT I AM NOT INVITED TO.  

TONY LIKES TO POINT OUT WEAKNESS. HE ASKS WHY I'M ALONE - AGAIN - TONIGHT. HE ASKS ABOUT MY "FRIENDS" AND THE PEOPLE I LOVE. HE ASKS WHY I KEEP GOING BACK TO EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. HE ASKS WHY I CAN'T LAND A JOB. HE ASKS ABOUT THE DIRTY DISHES AND POINTS OUT THE LAUNDRY BAG. HE IS POLITE BUT EXHAUSTS ME WITH HIS QUESTIONS. 

I TRY TO WALK AWAY LIKE THERAPISTS TEACH YOU. TO LOOK IN THE OTHER DIRECTION AND TO WALK AWAY. THE PROBLEM WITH TONY IS THAT HE CAN SHIFT SHAPES. HE HAS A FIRM GRASP ON DOORS AND WINDOWS AND CAN BECOME A THIN SMOKE THAT SEEPS IN THROUGH CRACKS AND HOLES. I CAN FEEL HIM FORMING AND I STOP EATING BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM WATCHING ME. TONY IS A BULLY. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING STOPPING HIM IF HE WANTS TO BE NEAR ME. WE ARE LIKE PAPER AND GLUE, FROM ONE TO TWO.  

MY BED IS HIS FAVORITE PLACE. HE LIKES TO SLIP IN BESIDE ME AND HOLD MY WAIST. HE KNOWS I DON'T LIKE TO SNUGGLE HIM BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I WANT. NO AMOUNT OF PROTEST CAN STOP MY TONY. 

WAKING UP WITH TONY IS THE WORST FEELING. HE IS A SMOG THAT LAYS THICK AND DENSE ACROSS THE ROOM, PUSHING ME DEEPER INTO MY BED - UNDER THE COVERS, AWAY FROM REALITY. 

I HIDE FROM TONY IN MY SMALL SHOWER. I STAND BENEATH THE STREAMING HEAT UNTIL MY ONCE PALE COMPLEXION IS BLOTCHY AND BURNT FROM THE WATER. LONLEY IS ALWAYS SILENT AND EERIE. HE SITS ON THE CLOSED TOILET SEAT AND SOMETIMES DRAWS FACES IN THE STEAMY MIRROR. 

I DREAD EACH COMING DAY AS I KNOW WE WILL BE SPENDING TIME TOGETHER WHILE I DESPERATELY SEARCH FOR JOY. I KNOW SHE IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. I CAN SMELL HER IN THE KITCHEN WHEN MY MOM IS COOKING SPAGHETTI AND I CAN HEAR HER IN THE CAR WHEN THE BEACH BOYS ARE PLAYING.

TIME PASSES AND I AM SCARED. I KNOW THAT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH TONY IS A LIFELONG ONE.

I WILL BE FORCED INTO BED WITH TONY AGAIN TONIGHT.

A CONVERSATION: WORD FOR WORD

WE ARE STONED OUT OF OUR MINDS. BACHELORS IN PARADISE IS PLAYING ON THE TV IN BROOKLYN AND WE ARE PASSING A SMALL ELEPHANT SHAPED BOWL WITH A BROKEN TRUNK BETWEEN THE THREE OF US.

H: "GUYS ALWAYS WANNA DO THAT WITH ME!! IT'S WEIRD!"

ME: "THEY JUST WANNA PUT THEIR DICKS BETWEEN SOME BIG BOOBS."

C: "CAN I JUST ASK LIKE, WHAT POSITION YOU ARE IN WHEN THIS IS HAPPENING?"

H: "WELL THEY, LIKE, GO UP TOWARDS YOUR FACE." 

ME: "YEAH, THEY'RE GOING LIKE THIS-"

*PUSHES BOOBS TOGETHER AND MAKES FORWARD MOTION UPWARDS*

*LOUD LAUGHTER*

ME: "AND LITERALLY, THE HEADS COMING TOWARDS YOUR FACE AND ITS HORRIFYING."

H: "I LITERALLY CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT IT AND ITS LIKE SO SCARY AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS 'TURTLE TURTLE TURTLE'."

C: "WHENEVER ITS HAPPENED TO ME I'VE BEEN LAYING DOWN IN A BED."

H: "YEAH, THATS HOW IT ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME. THE WEIRDEST PART IS, LIKE, YOU CAN'T NOT LOOK DOWN AT IT AND I ALWAYS END UP GOING CROSSEYED." 

ME: "YEAH CAUSE ITS LIKE COMING TO JAB YOU IN THE FACE! SOMETIMES I STICK MY TONGUE OUT."

C: "DOES IT REACH IT??"

ME: "ONLY IF HE HAS A BIG DICK."

---

 H: *HYSTERICALLY LAUGHS* "IT WAS REALLY HARD, BUT I DIDN'T DO IT."

ME: "WAIT, SO LIKE, HE LITERALLY JUST SAID, 'PUT IT YOUR FINGER IN MY ASS?"

*LAUGHTER*

H: "IT WAS MORE CASUAL."

ME: "LIKE, 'YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR FINGER IN MY ASS?'"

C: "IT'S SO FUNNY CUZ I REMEMBER ___ FROM WAY BACK WHEN AND HE WAS WEARING, LIKE A BOW-TIE AND WARBY PARKERS AND IT'S LIKE..?"

H: "A BOW-TIE??"

C: "I THINK SO!!"

ME: "HE WAS SUPER PREPPY! HE IS SUPER PREPPY."

H: "I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM WEAR A BOW-TIE. BUT I DON'T KNOW."

ME: "HAVE YOU EVER PUT YOUR FINGER IN A GUYS BUTTHOLE?"

C: "UMM...... NO.."

H: "I JUST TOUCH THE THING BETWEEN THE BUTT AND THE BALLS-"

C: "YEAH YEAH, I'VE DONE THAT." 

ME: "JUST LIKE, RUB THAT LITTLE SPOT-"

H: "WHILE I'M GIVING HEAD."

C: "THAT'S LIKE THE GOOD THIRD ACT."

ME: "HE LIKES IT WHEN I PULL ON HIS BALLS. LIKE TUG AT THEM. HE LOVES THAT SHIT."

H: "THEY USUALLY LIKE WHEN I'M REALLY AGGRESSIVE WITH MY HANDS DURING BLOW JOBS."

C: "BUT SOME GUYS ARE REALLY SENSITIVE ABOUT TOUCHING THEIR BALLS! THEY'RE LIKE OH! OH..."

*MAKES A BACK-AWAY HAND MOTION*

ME: "IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT GETTING FONDLED ENOUGH. ONCE, HE WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN ON ME, AND HE LIKE OPENED MY VAGINA AND WAS LIKE, 'YOU HAVE SUCH A NICE PUSSY' AND I WAS LIKE, 'UH-OKAY!!'."

H: *LAUGHING*  "WAIT, HE LIKE OPENED YOUR LIPS??"

ME: *LAUGHING BETWEEN WORDS, "YEAH! MY VAGINA LIPS!! LIKE.. THE ONES ON THE OUTSIDE.."

*H DISSOLVES INTO LAUGHTER*

H: "LIKE, OPENING THE CURTAINS."

C: "THE MEAT CURTAINS."

ME: *CHOKES ON WATER*

H: *HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING* "YES!!! THAT'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD."

ME: *SLAPS MY KNEE* "THAT'S DISGUSTING!!"

C: "THAT;S WHAT THEY'RE CALLED."

FEMINIST

I CONSIDER MYSELF A FEMINIST.

I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A GOOD ONE.

THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I DESPERATELY WANT TO ROAST THE GIRLS WHO SLEPT WITH MY EX BOYFRIEND. I WANT TO CALL THEM SLUTS AND STUPID HORRIBLE CRUEL THINGS. I WANT TO FIGHT. I WANT TO WIN! WHEN IN REALITY ITS NOT THEIR FAULT. THEY'RE JUST GIRLS WHO FELL FOR THE SAME TRICKS THAT I DID.  

FOR THE MOST PART, THE CLICHE SAYING "SHE'S ONLY TALKING SHIT CUZ SHE'S JEALOUS" IS SUPER TRUE. I AM JEALOUS. I'M MAD HE DECIDED HE NEEDED A SIDE PIECE. I'M MAD HE CHOSE YOU. I'M SECOND GUESSING MY SIZE AND MY APPEARANCE BECAUSE I'VE BEEN LET DOWN AND I'M VULNERABLE AND THE ONLY THING EASIER THAN IGNORING MY INSECURITIES IS THROWING THEM AT SOMEONE ELSE.  

I TRY MY VERY BEST TO RECOGNIZE THIS BEHAVIOR AS SOON AS IT STARTS TO SPROUT IN MY BRAIN. I HAVE BEEN TRAINED BY SOCIETY TO JUDGE THE WOMAN AND EXCUSE THE MAN. THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THIS BEHAVIOR IS WHEN A MAN HAS QUESTIONABLE INTERACTIONS WITH A WOMAN WHO IS NOT HIS SIGNIFICANT OTHER. WOMEN WILL CLING TO THE MANS SIDE, LOATHE THE WOMAN AND CALL HER A WHORE. THIS LOGIC IS COMPLETELY BACKWARDS. WE SHOULD BE RUNNING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AWAY FROM THE MAN AND NEXT TO THE OTHER WOMAN AND SAY HEY! LET'S DITCH THIS LOSER AND GET A COCKTAIL. 

WE ARE ALL GUILTY OF HATEFUL BEHAVIOR. I ALWAYS TAKE A MINUTE WHEN I FIND MYSELF GIRL-HATING TO IMAGINE MY SUBJECT WAS MY SISTER OR BEST FRIEND. BEING A TAURUS, I HAVE A SENSE OF LOYALTY AND AGGRESSION MISUNDERSTOOD BY MANY PEOPLE. I CAN BE SO FIERCELY LOYAL THAT IT BORDERS ON INSANITY. ONE NASTY WORD OUT OF ANOTHER PERSONS MOUTH AGAINST MY BELOVED AND I HAVE MY TEETH BARED READY FOR A FIGHT (I THINK I'D MAKE A GOOD ADDITION TO THE CULLEN FAMILY, DON'T YOU?). 

WHAT REALLY MADE ME OPEN MY EYES WAS WHEN A GIRL OF NO SIGNIFICANCE TO MY LIFE MADE IT HER GOAL TO BRING ME DOWN. SHE CRITICIZED MY KNOWLEDGE AND MY GOALS. SHE USED SOCIAL MEDIA TO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY STATE ALL OF MY SHORT COMINGS. SHE SCREENSHOTTED PICTURES OF ME TO SHARE IN GROUP TEXT MESSAGES DISCUSSING HOW HIDEOUS I WAS. SHE SAW THAT I WAS CREATING THIS BLOG AND SHE CALLED ME A WANNABE, ANOTHER "LENA DUNHAM" AND AN UNINTELLIGENT WHORE. HOW MY IDEA TO DISCUSS SEX WASN'T ORIGINAL, HOW MY LIFE IS SHIT. BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THIS FUCKING GIRL!! SHE IS MY BIGGEST MOTIVATOR. SHE IS MY DAILY REMINDER OF EXACTLY WHO I DON'T WANT TO BE. I WANT TO BE CHEERING FOR MY FUCKING GENDER. I DON'T CARE WHO YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH, WHAT YOU'RE WEARING, WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING, WHAT YOUR BELIEFS ARE, I WANT YOU TO LIVE A LONG HAPPY PEACEFUL LOVE FILLED LIFE UNTIL THE VERY END. I WANT SISTERS FROM MY HOMETOWN AND MY CURRENT CITY TO BE ABLE TO PRAISE EACH OTHER AND RAISE EACH OTHER UP. I DON'T WANT THIS DEMONIC COMPETITION BETWEEN OUR SEX. 

ON THE OTHER HAND, I HAVE RECEIVED PRAISE FROM THIS BLOG IN WAYS THAT MADE ME TEAR UP. I RECEIVED LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM WOMEN I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TOO SINCE FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE. EX-BOYFRIENDS AND FLINGS HAVE REACHED OUT TO ME TO PRAISE MY HARD WORK AND TO SWEAT NERVOUSLY ABOUT POTENTIAL POSTS ABOUT THEM. ONE OF THE GUYS I'M CURRENTLY SLEEPING WITH CLAIMS TO HAVE READ MY BLOG ALOUD TO HIS BROTHERS IN A MOMENT OF SHEER PANIC, AND READING IT AGAIN ALONE LATER. MY GIRLFRIENDS FROM MY HOMETOWN WERE QUICK TO PUBLICIZE MY WORK AND LIFT ME UP. I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE THAT I HAD 768 VIEWS ON MY FIRST POST HERE ON S4S. I COULDN'T BE MORE THANKFUL FOR EVERYONE WHO MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM CREATING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. 

I KNOW THAT WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES AND QUICK JUDGMENTS. WE ARE HUMAN AND THIS IS WHY I ACCEPT THAT I WILL NEVER BE A GLITTERING PERFECT FEMINIST. I WILL STILL FUME ABOUT INSTAGRAM POSTS PURPOSEFULLY ANGLED TO ENLARGE OTHERWISE TEENY TINY BOOBS. I WILL STILL GRUNT AT SOME WOMEN'S CHOICE IN FASHION OR ITCH TO SHOW A GIRL HOW TO PROPERLY DO CAT EYE MAKEUP. THIS MAKES ME HUMAN. BUT WHAT I DEFINITELY CAN DO IS CATCH MYSELF AND REDIRECT MY ATTITUDE. NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ARE COMMONLY CROSSED OUT IN MY BRAIN AND REPLACED WITH POSITIVE ONES. NOT ONLY DOES THIS HELP OUT OTHERS, BUT IT MAKES ME A GENUINELY HAPPIER PERSON. HATE IS EXHAUSTING.

MY MANTRA IS "DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU". DEFLECT THE HATE! AND DEFINITELY DON'T BE THE SOURCE OF IT. WE ALL DESERVE A LITTLE MORE BRIGHTNESS TO OUR DAYS.

THE BEGINNING

I SPENT THIS MORNING AT BRUNCH AT A PLACE IN BROOKLYN CALLED HAREFIELD ROAD WITH MY FRIEND ALLIE. WE GRADUATED COLLEGE TOGETHER BUT HAVE BEEN ON DIFFERENT TRACKS WITH OUR LIVES WHICH RESULTED IN US NOT SEEING EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE. THE BEST THING ABOUT FRIENDS FROM COLLEGE IS THAT THEY’VE SEEN YOU AT YOUR ABSOLUTE LOWEST AND STILL LOVE YOU. ALLIE HAD SEEN ME AT MY ABSOLUTE WORST. IMAGINE AN OVER-SEXUAL EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD WITH NO PARENTS AND NO RULES JUST PARTYING IN NEW YORK CITY.

I DID SOME SHIT MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE THAT COULD HAVE GOTTEN ME RAPED. I DID SOME SHIT MY FRESHMAN YEAR THAT I WAS LITERALLY LUCKY TO GET OUT OF ALIVE.

AT EIGHTEEN IN MANHATTAN, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU HAVE A FAKE ID OR NOT. IF YOU HAVE HUGE BOOBS AND SIX INCH HEELS, YOU’RE GETTING IN AT ANY CLUB YOU WANT.

NOT ONLY ARE YOU GETTING INTO ANY CLUB YOU WANT, BUT YOU’RE GETTING FREE BOTTLE SERVICE ALL NIGHT WITH YOUR BEST GIRLFRIENDS.

THE FIRST CLUB I WENT TO WAS IN CHELSEA. I WAS WEARING A LEOPARD PRINT FOREVER 21 DRESS (????) AND RED NINE WEST HEELS. I THOUGHT I WAS HOT SHIT.

WE WENT OUT WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER FRESHMAN THAT I HAVEN'T SPOKEN WITH SINCE. COLLEGE IS WEIRD LIKE THAT - YOU MAKE MEMORIES WITH THE MOST RANDOM PEOPLE THE FIRST COUPLE OF WEEKS AND THEN TRY SUPER HARD TO NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THEM AGAIN. I MADE OUT WITH A BOY THAT I THEN BECAME OBSESSED WITH FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.  I LATER LEARNED HE TOLD EVERYONE THAT HE PUT HIS FINGER IN MY BUTT HOLE WHILE WE WERE DANCING - WHICH DEFINITELY DIDN’T HAPPEN, I WOULD’VE HOPED TO HAVE FELT IT.

I MADE SOME REALLY DUMB CHOICES IN COLLEGE. I WAS PROBABLY THE STUPIDEST GIRL ON THE PLANET AND EVERYDAY I’M THANKFUL THAT NOTHING HORRIBLE HAPPENED.

I WENT OUT WITH MY TWO GIRLFRIENDS TO AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB UPTOWN. WE KNEW THE DJ SO WE GOT IN WITH REALLY BAD FAKE IDS. I WAS FROM GREEN BAY, RHODE ISLAND (NOT EVEN A REAL FUCKING PLACE! THANKS ID DUDE!!) AND MY HEAD WAS CROPPED INTO A TRIANGLE SHAPE THAT WAS TRULY DISCOMFORTING TO LOOK AT.

WE GOT WASTED TO SAY THE LEAST. THERE WERE A GROUP OF ARMY MEN THERE THAT I HAD CONVINCED I WAS TWENTY-TWO AND WE HAD BEEN DRINKING THEIR ALCOHOL ALL NIGHT.

I GOT SO WASTED I ENDED UP SITTING ON MY AIR FORCE BOY’S LAP IN PUBLIC AND MAKING OUT WITH HIM. HE WAS TWENTY SEVEN AND I WAS EIGHTEEN. HE TOOK ME BACK TO HIS HOTEL ROOM IN SOHO - SOMETHING THAT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE AGREED TO. THE SCARIER PART IS THAT THERE WERE FIVE TWENTY-SEVEN YEAR OLDS STAYING IN THE SAME HOTEL ROOM TOGETHER. I DON'T KNOW WHY "ORGY" OR "GANG RAPE" DIDN'T REGISTER IN MY MIND, BUT THEN AGAIN, I WAS A COMPLETE DUMB-ASS.

I WAS STILL A VIRGIN.

MY AIR FORCE BOY AND I MADE OUT FOR A FEW HOURS. I REMEMBER THAT HE FINGERED ME PRETTY WELL AND I KNEW HE WAS EXPERIENCED. HE HAD A HUGE PENIS, TOO. HE ASKED ME TO HAVE SEX. I SAID NO, I WAS A VIRGIN. HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE AN ALIEN BUT STATED THAT HE RESPECTED THAT. HE SETTLED FOR HEAD AND AFTER HE CAME WE WENT TO BED.

THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP IN SOHO IN THE ARMS OF A HUGE GUY I WAS SURE WASN’T AS CUTE AS I HAD THOUGHT HE WAS. 

WE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE THE REST OF HIS FRIENDS SLEPT. I HAD TOLD HIM THAT I HATED KISSING IN THE MORNING BEFORE MY TEETH WERE BRUSHED, SO HE FOLLOWED ME AND WE BRUSHED THEM TOGETHER. HE STOOD BEHIND ME AND HIS DICK WAS PRESSED AGAINST BY BUTT CHEEKS WHICH I DIDN’T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT TO FIND ATTRACTIVE. I WAS MOSTLY JUST INTIMIDATED.

AFTER WE BOTH SPIT HE TOOK MY PJ’S OFF AND TURNED ME AROUND TO FACE THE FLOOR LENGTH MIRROR. HE STOOD BEHIND ME BUT DIDN’T TOUCH ME.

“LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.” HE HAD SAID.

I WEIGHED 119 POUNDS AS A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE - SOMETHING THAT I WILL NEVER EVER ACHIEVE AGAIN - AND WAS TOTALLY COMFORTABLE BEING NAKED. I HAD PLAYED SOCCER AND TENNIS SINCE A YOUNG AGE AND I KNEW I WAS FIT AS FUCK (GOD, I AM SO JEALOUS OF MY EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD SELF). EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS NOW IS UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. I WENT HOME TO WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE AND ENDED UP WITH A GUY TELLING ME TO LOOK AT MYSELF NAKED AND APPRECIATE IT. I REMEMBER BRUSHING OFF THE MOMENT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. LIKE IT WAS NORMAL FOR SOMEONE TO INSTRUCT YOU TO TAKE A MOMENT AND ACTUALLY LOOK AT HOW FUCKING AWESOME YOU LOOK NAKED. I WISH I HAD LOOKED HARDER SO THAT I COULD REMEMBER HOW IT FELT.

AFTER A LONG AWKWARD PAUSE HE TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES TOO. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD EVER SEEN A "MAN" NAKED. HE WASN'T SCRAWNY AND SKINNY WITH PATCHES OF HAIR ACROSS HIS CHEST, NO. HE WAS HUGE AND MUSCULAR AND COVERED IN HAIR. I WAS SLIGHTLY DISGUSTED BY HOW HAIRY HE WAS. I'M NOT JOKING WHEN I SAY THAT HIS ENTIRE ASS WAS HAIR. I HAVE YET TO MEET ANYONE THAT HAIRY SINCE.

WE TOOK A SHOWER TOGETHER. I WAS SO INNOCENT SEXUALLY THAT I DIDN'T TOUCH HIS DICK THE WHOLE TIME - EVEN THOUGH HE WAS HARD AND PRACTICALLY STARING ME IN THE FACE. 

AFTER MY SHOWER I REALIZED WHAT A DUMB-ASS I WAS. MY HAIR WAS WET - WHICH DRIES CURLY AND FRIZZY - AND I NEEDED TO GO HOME IMMEDIATELY. THE AIR FORCE BOY TOOK ME HOME IN A CAB TO MY FRESHMAN DORM ROOM AND WALKED ME TO THE DOOR BEFORE SAYING GOODBYE.

HE’S MARRIED NOW.

ALLIE ALSO WATCHED ME SIT ON A BOYS LAP AT HALLOWEEN - DRESSED UP AS KE$HA IN TINY JEAN SHORTS, A LEATHER JACKET, FISHNETS AND GO-GO BOOTS. WE HAD BEEN PRACTICALLY DRY HUMPING AT THE CLUB AND I HAD MYSTERIOUSLY BROKEN BOTH OF MY SHOES. WE TOOK A CAB HOME AND I NOTICED THAT HIS JACKET WAS WORTH OVER 5,000 DOLLARS. I REFUSED TO PITCH IN ON PAYING FOR THE CAB.

HE WAS ALSO A FRESHMAN AT MY COLLEGE - AND FUCKING WEIRD. HE WAS TALL - OVER SIX FOOT TWO - AND AFRICAN AMERICAN. HE HAD KIND OF A BABY FACE AND A SUPER DOUCHE-Y ATTITUDE THAT AT THE TIME I WAS UNABLE TO RESIST. WHEN WE WERE DRUNK HE TOLD ME HE WANTED ME TO MEET HIS FAMILY.

BACK AT HIS DORM ROOM WE MADE OUT FOR AN HOUR OR SO UNTIL MY LIPS WERE RAW. MEN TEND TO THINK  - IN ALL CASES - THE WETTER THE BETTER. (NOT ALWAYS THE CASE BOYS).NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED AND I REFUSED TO DISCOVER HOW BIG HIS DICK WAS.

THE NEXT MORNING I WOKE UP TO HIS OBNOXIOUS SNORING. I SNUCK OUT OF HIS ROOM INSANELY HUNGOVER GRABBING AT THE TRAIN OF KE$HA CLOTHES STREWN ALL OVER THE ROOM. WHEN I GOT TO MY ROOM ONE FLOOR BELOW I REALIZED THAT I WAS COVERED IN BRUISES. THERE WERE LITERALLY FINGERPRINT BRUISES ON MY CHEST FROM HOW HARD HE HAD BEEN GRABBING MY BODY. THERE WAS A BRUISE IN THE SHAPE OF A MOUTH WITH TEETH ON MY SHOULDER. I HAD TO WEAR SCARVES AROUND MY NECK FOR THREE WEEKS BEFORE THEY WENT AWAY.

I NEVER LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AGAIN.

ALLIE IS SUPER AWESOME. SHE HAS SEEN ME AT MY WORST, AT MY MOST VULNERABLE, CRAZY, AND MY STUPIDEST. YET WE ARE STILL ABLE TO SIT ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER AND EAT EGGS BENEDICT AND GULP MARTINIS, SWEATING IN THE HOT AUGUST HEAT.

WE TALK ABOUT OUR JOBS. SHE TOLD ME SHE IS GOING TO ASPEN FOR A WEEK TO NANNY AND I TELL HER THAT I’M JEALOUS. WE LAUGH OVER OUR PAST AND OUR FUTURE AND I TELL HER ABOUT MY LATEST TINDER FAILS. I SLURP COFFEE BLACK FOR A WHILE AND THEN SWITCH TO MILK AND SUGAR. AS TIME GOES ON I ALWAYS LET MYSELF EASE INTO THE SITUATION AND START OVERSHARING. I LOVE OVERSHARING WITH MY FRIENDS AND LAUGHING ABOUT ALL THE CRAZY SHIT WE HAVE IN COMMON.

SHE GOES INTO STORIES ABOUT GETTING HER BUTT HOLE WAXED AROUND THE CORNER FROM HER APARTMENT IN BUSHWICK. I TELL HER ABOUT MY “FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS SITUATION” WITH A TWENTY-EIGHT YEAR OLD GUY I MET IN THE LOWER EAST SIDE. I TELL HER ABOUT TRYING REALLY HARD TO BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THE “NICE GUYS”  WHO MIGHT ACTUALLY DATE ME BUT HOW I ALWAYS END UP WITH THE ASSHOLES WHO BARELY TEXT ME BACK.

SHE TELLS ME ABOUT HER LATEST DATE WITH A GUY WHO KEPT SUGGESTING THAT SHE GO OVER TO HIS PLACE AFTER DRINKS AND WE COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW SICK IT MAKES US THAT SEX IS EXPECTED IN ALL MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS. I TELL HER THAT I WAS THANKFUL TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY TO THE BOY THAT I DID. WE COMPLAINED ABOUT OUR STRETCH MARKS AND FEELING FAT AND NOT WANTING TO EXERCISE. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW WE COULDN’T DATE BOYS WITH THE SAME NAMES AS OTHER PEOPLE FROM OUR LIVES. WE TOLD EACH OTHER OUR NO-GO NAMES AND WHAT WE WOULD NAME OUR DAUGHTERS IF WE EVER HAD ANY.

IN ORDER TO STAY SANE, YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYTHING TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. IT MAKES ALL OF THE DIFFERENCE TO KNOW THAT YOU’RE NOT ALONE. ALL GIRLS GET HAIR FROM THEIR HEAD IN BETWEEN THEIR BUTT CHEEKS WHEN THEY TAKE SHOWERS. THIS USED TO MORTIFY ME TO DISCUSS UNTIL I FOUND THE BEAUTY IN LAUGHING AT LIFE. 

I’M SO THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS. I WILL DISCUSS THEM FREQUENTLY AND WITH THEIR PERMISSION. THEY RESPECT MY OBSESSION WITH HUMAN AND FEMALE SEXUALITY. I HAVE BECOME THE TO GO-TO GIRL TO DISCUSS THREESOMES, BUTT SEX, STD’S STRETCHMARKS, PERIOD SEX, DOMINATRIX, ONLINE DATING, CONDOM VS NO CONDOM, LUBE, SEX TOYS -  ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING - NO JUDGEMENT. I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD, BUT I KNOW A LOT OF INFORMATION ABOUT THE WORLD OF SEX.

MY FRIENDS ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ENCOURAGED ME TO START WRITING THIS STUFF DOWN. IT MAY NOT BE BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN OR GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT BUT IT’S WHAT I’M PASSIONATE ABOUT AND IT’S HONEST. I HAVE TO DEDICATE THIS BLOG TO MY HOME GIRLS WHO HAVE LOVED ME FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT AND TOLD ME THAT MY VOICE MATTERS.

I'M BEYOND EXCITED TO EXPOSE SEX FROM A FEMALE'S PERSPECTIVE AND HOPEFULLY LAUGH A LOT ALONG THE WAY.